IELTS writing task 1- Can you give me feedback?

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
1

Hi everyone. Can you give me feedback?

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The line graph gives information about the pollution levels, which is caused by sulphur dioxide and smoke, in London in the year 1600 and 2000. Units are measured in micrograms.

Overall, sulphur dioxide was the most factor that caused air pollution over the given period while smoke is the least factor.

To began, sulphur dioxide started to leads to pollution just before in the year 1600 and was accounted for around 50 micrograms per cubic metre. Then, the figure experienced a rapid increase to 800 micrograms. After, it fluctuated and peaked up around 900 micrograms in 1850. Next, the figure dramatically decrease to almost 10 micrograms at the end of the period.

When it comes to smoke, it began to cause to pollution before 1600 just like sulphur dioxide and the amount of micrograms was at approximately 50. After, the figure experienced a steady increase and peaked up about 400 micrograms in 1890. Then, the figure fluctuated and after the year 1960 it experienced a dramatic decrease to about 10 micrograms at the end of the period.

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This should read ‘between the years 1600 and 2000’ because it describes a period of time rather than two years separately.

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Thank you. Well, what do you think about my overall paragraph? Is it good enough or not?

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You need an adjective after ‘most’ such as ‘important’ or ‘significant’.

You should be consistent in your choice of tense. Either you use the simple present or the simple past throughout your sentence.

“To began” doesn’t work. Either you use the infinitive ‘begin’ or you use an adverb such as ‘firstly’.

You need the infinitive ‘lead’ here.

You need active voice ‘accounted for’ instead of the passive ‘was accounted for’.

You need an objective after the preposition ‘after’ such as ‘after that’.

“Peaked up around” doesn’t make sense. You probably mean ‘peaked at around’…

You need the simple past ‘decreased’ here.

The ‘to’ is redundant here.

"peaked up’ doesn’t make sense.

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Thank you very much for your detailed feedback @Torsten

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You are welcome. By the way, you might want to read the following essay which was written a fellow learner of yours. He or she has been able to develop very good writing skills and you might ask them what their secrets are.

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