Hi Adrian, welcome to the forum. Your English skill is very good - I think your grammar and vocabulary would rate at least a band 7. But you seemed to modify the prompt somewhat, focusing mainly on developing countries, which I don’t see mentioned in the prompt at all. Maybe most endangered animals are located in developing countries? If so, you need to state this.
Adrian78:
It is true that over the past few years, animal extinction has increasingly become a worldwide subject of concern. While some people claim that the focus should be more on people’s welfare, I believe that governments should also take serious actions to prevent animals from being on the brink of extinction. [“being on the brink of extinction” is different than “becoming extinct” - plus some species are already on the brink of extinction, so you would have to say something like “restore animal populations now on the brink of extinction” or “preserve endangered species now on the brink of extinction”}
On the one hand, there are a myriad of reasons why human beings [especially those] in developing countries should be a priority. {the prompt does not say anything about developing countries - why did you focus on this? My added phrase softens it a little, but it still seems to be changing the prompt} Firstly, poor nations are still {“still” here makes it sound like something happened in the recent past that is still having an effect - “… nations continue to suffer” is a bit better} suffering from famine and epidemics because of having limited government funds. If the government’s budget is allocated too much [toward] animal conservation, several {“several” sounds odd here - like 7 or 8 residents out of the million or so total number} residents will suffer a great deal of financial difficulties [in] [making] a living. Secondly. the improvement of social welfare policies could be beneficial to the whole society. In fact, such programs are critical to improve living conditions of the poor, resulting in less crime and boosting the economy accordingly. Therefore, many people believe that protecting basic human rights should be the top priority of these countries.
On the other hand, I admit that it is indispensable for humans to protect endangered wild animals to sustain our ecosystem. Firstly, the red list of threatened species has recently increased, leading to a potential ecological crisis. For example, rhinos are illegally slaughtered by poachers for their horns, which are falsely supposed to bring medical values and are therefore sold at a high price. If such poaching continues to take place, it will inflict tremendous damage on the animals’ natural habitats, and rhinos will be wiped out as a result. Thus, strict laws should be implemented to preserve species at risk, and [governments] should deploy environmentally-friendly policies to protect [wildlife] habitats and to create a natural balance in the wild. Furthermore, to diminish poaching, wildlife safaris can be turned into ecotourism so as to open up job opportunities for local communities to bolster living conditions. Consequently, this could bring several benefits for both residents and a diverse range of wildlife.
In conclusion, I believe that the welfare of humans and the protection of animal species from extinction have their own validity, both of which should be considered as a vital cornerstone for the development of mankind and the sustainability of [wild] animals. {“wildlife animals” is wrong - wildlife means animals}
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