Please help review my IELTS writing task 2. Which band score am I possibly sitting? Many thanks

Topic: Nowadays, many animal species are becoming extinct. Some people believe that countries and individuals must solve this problem, others believe that human beings are more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is true that over the past few years, animal extinction has increasingly become a worldwide subject of concern. While some people claim that the focus should be more on people’s welfare, I believe that governments should also take serious actions to prevent animals from being on the brink of extinction.

On the one hand, there are a myriad of reasons why human beings in developing countries should be a priority. Firstly, poor nations are still suffering from famine and epidemics because of having limited government funds. If the government’s budget is allocated too much to animal conservation, several residents will suffer a great deal of financial difficulties to make a living. Secondly. the improvement of social welfare policies could be beneficial to the whole society. In fact, such programs are critical to improve living conditions of the poor, resulting in less crime and boosting the economy accordingly. Therefore, many people believe that protecting basic human rights should be the top priority of these countries.

On the other hand, I admit that it is indispensable for humans to protect endangered wild animals to sustain our ecosystem. Firstly, the red list of threatened species has recently increased, leading to a potential ecological crisis. For example, rhinos are illegally slaughtered by poachers for their horns, which are falsely supposed to bring medical values and are therefore sold at a high price. If such poaching continues to take place, it will inflict tremendous damage on the animals’ natural habitats, and rhinos will be wiped out as a result. Thus, strict laws should be implemented to preserve species at risk, and government should deploy environmentally-friendly policies to protect wildlife’s habitats and to create a natural balance in the wild. Furthermore, to diminish poaching, wildlife safaris can be turned into ecotourism so as to open up job opportunities for local communities to bolster living conditions. Consequently, this could bring several benefits for both residents and a diverse range of wildlife.

In conclusion, I believe that the welfare of humans and the protection of animal species from extinction have their own validity, both of which should be considered as a vital cornerstone for the development of mankind and the sustainability of wildlife animals.

(367 words)

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Hi Adrian, welcome to the forum. Your English skill is very good - I think your grammar and vocabulary would rate at least a band 7. But you seemed to modify the prompt somewhat, focusing mainly on developing countries, which I don’t see mentioned in the prompt at all. Maybe most endangered animals are located in developing countries? If so, you need to state this.
In addition, your thesis statement could be a little more clear. It sounds like while you realize some people favor putting people over animals, you side with saving endangered species. But in the essay, you seem to agree with both sides. I think you need to be more definitive in exactly what your opinion is. Plus, it is not exactly clear where you are “discussing both views” and where you are “giving your opinion”. Your body paragraphs are really just a mixture of the two. I think it is better to be more objective when giving the two sides and then give your personal opinion in a third paragraph that can be combined with your conclusion. Here are some other comments:

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Thank you so much for your expertise feedback. I really appreciate your prompt response.

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You are welcome. I don’t know about my expertise, but I do know expertise is a noun, so maybe “Thank you for your expertise and feedback.” or “Thank you for the expertise shown in your feedback.” :wink:

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Maybe ‘expert feedback’ would be a viable alternative too?

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