İelts writing task 2 essay--Can you evaulate my essay? I am waiting for your feedback and estimated band score

Nowadays many countries have very cosmopolitan cities with people from all over the world. How can the government ensure that all these people can live together harmoniously?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

These days people, who are from different places from the world, live in many cities, which are named as cosmopolitan, in many countries. In which way the government can assure these people can lead their life responsively?

First of all, the government play a vital role in living of people because many things which are necessary for public, are provided by it. If these things can not be provided enough, then humans would have concern about their future. For this reason, governments should create job opportunities for their citizens, but especially for people who graduated from universities recently or came to the country with big hope to find a job. Additionally, the states should have good relationships with their neighbours because whether relationships are not positive, this situation can cause worse the country’s economy and powerful countries can impose sanctions to it such as economic, political and that. Therefore, people who live and work in these multicultural cities, can suffer from these negative situations.

Secondly, governments should respect minority’s rights. According to me, this is the essential issue in order to live people, who are from different nations, together harmoniously because if people feel belong them to the country where is they live in, then everyone can be happy. Governments should make law regulations and implement law enforcement for people who do not obey the rules. That is the one of the most important ways to provide people live together with adapt. Moreover, politicians, who rule the state, need to a view that consider all of the people, who came from another countries but live in there, a colour of the rainbow. According to a recent survey by Oxford University, it is clearly seen that the percentage of the harmony in countries, where people’s rights has been protected by laws is much more than other countries where human rights are not cared by governments.

In conclusion, in my opinion, governments have to provide a good life standard and respect and protect people’s rights, especially minority’s rights in order to provide harmony among people.

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I think if you continue writing essays you might be able to score band 7 or even 8 but I’m not the right person to ask because as I have said many times I think chasing those scores and bands is a futile endeavor and a huge waste of time and effort.

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[quote=“Memo34, post:1, topic:176717”]
whether relationships are positive or not, this situation can worsen the country’s economy and powerful countries can impose sanctions on it such as economic, political. Therefore, people who live and work in these multicultural cities, can suffer from these negative situations.

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[quote=“Memo34, post:1, topic:176717”]
Secondly, governments should respect minority’s rights. According to me, this is the essential issue in order to maintain harmony.

Governments should make regulations and implement law enforcement for people who do not obey the rules. That is the one of the most important ways to ensure people adapt to a new country. Moreover, politicians, who rule the state, need to understand the viewpoint of all the people, who came from another country but live in a different one.

According to a recent survey by Oxford University, it is clearly seen that the percentage of the harmony in countries where people’s rights has been protected by laws is much more than other countries where human rights are not given importance by governments.

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Thank you very much. When you estimated band score, it makes me joyous because I can see my writing skills improvement. I just want you to know this.

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The questions still remains: How relevant will IELTS bands and TOEFL scores be in a couple of years:

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Thank you very much for your comments. I’ll careful about issues that you’ve mentioned.

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I just read it. As you written, I always listen to Al Jazeera English/Live while I commuting to the work. Besides, I read The Economist, Financial Times and so on in my spare time. I aware of the importance of these activities in order to learn English. However, as I said before I have to pass the exam for achieving my goals :slight_smile:

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I’m still not convinced why exactly you need to pass the exam in order to achieve your goals. Your exam certificates won’t be worth anything in a couple of years. As a matter of fact, they already don’t have much value and validity any longer.

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I can explain that. I need to score band 7 or above because that is an academic requirement for master programme which I want to study on. That is the reason why I give importance to pass the exam. I hope you could understand what I mean.

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I do understand what you mean. However, I don’t think the current system with its outdated hierarchical and analogue structures and values has any future.

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