Ielts writing- please grade my eassay

[Kate2202]

Topic: some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion
After graduating from high school, people have to make a difficult decision that whether they should continue studying at university or not. While earning a living straight after school is not such a bad choice, I believe that having higher education is the best way to gain a successful career

On the one hand, there are several reasons why people choose apply for a job after finishing high school. One of these reasons is zero motivation for learning higher. Some students don’t be able to keep up with the lessons at school so they find them boring. While a few of them have the hard condition and is on a tight buget so they can’t pay their tuition fees at universities. What the profits do they have from stopping studying at college or university and doing a job? If they get a job soon they will gain real experiences and learn pratical skills. It seems to lead to successful career and promote quickly in the job.

On the other hand, going to universities has a lot of huge advantages. Firsly, people almost study at universities to get the degrees in my country. Because they will make sure a stable job and enough skills for them in the future when they start their jobs. Some jobs also need academic qualifications such as doctor, teacher, etc. Secondly, Universities are the best enviroment help them in enlightening their vision, expand their domain, polish their skills and prepare them to face real world challenges. Especially, we need get in-dept knowledge nowadays to not lose AI
For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that learning beyond the high school level is better than get a job right after school
(and pls correct the grammar mistakes)

[Luschen]

Hi Kate, welcome to the forum. I think you have addressed the subject somewhat, but you didn’t really respond completely to the prompt because your opinion is so perfunctory. The prompt asks to discuss both views and give your opinion, so stating your viewpoint should be given as much emphasis as the other two facets. You can either add a third body paragraph or expand the conclusion, but more reasoning and explanation behind your opinion should be given. In your first body paragraph you veered off the topic slightly by presenting reasons why some people may not go to college. Reading the prompt, the question is really about the best way to have a career. Even if one was willing and able to go to college, is starting one’s job immediately the best way to ensure a successful career? Your second body is better, but you do have several awkward and confusing sentences. Overall, I think this would probably score around the band 5.5 level. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Kate2202

After graduating from high school, people have to make a difficult decision [about] whether they should continue studying at university or not. While earning a living straight after school is not such a bad choice, I believe that [pursuing] higher education is the best way to gain a successful career

On the one hand, there are several reasons why people choose [to] apply for a job after finishing high school. One of these reasons is zero [a lack of] motivation for learning higher. {“learning higher” sounds odd - maybe “learning at a higher level” or “continuing one’s formal education”} Some students [are not] able to keep up with the lessons at school so they find them boring[, w]hile a few of them [live under difficult conditions] ~~have the hard condition~ and [are] on a tight [budget] so they [cannot] {avoid contractions in formal essays} pay their tuition fees at universities. {this while clause was a sentence fragment} What the profits do they have from stopping studying at college or university and doing a job? {this sentence is confusing - maybe “For these students, there does not appear to be any glaring disadvantage to forgoing their studies at college and immediately starting their careers.”} If they get a job soon they will gain real experiences and learn practical skills. [This choice may likely] lead to [a] successful career and [with rapid promotions] promote quickly in the job. {but what is the evidence for this? That they are young and energetic? That they will be more motivated to make money? You need some sort of justification for this statement}

On the other hand, going to universities {“going to a university” sounds better} has a lot of huge advantages. [Firstly,] people almost study at universities to get the degrees in my country. {this is confusing - the almost is unclear - almost all people do? it is almost the only way to get a degree? something else?} Because [by obtaining a college diploma,] they will [be] sure [to land] a stable job and [gain] enough skills for them in the future when they start their jobs. {this is another sentence fragment} {this is confusing because you are talking about the future and the present in the same sentence you need to change it to a format like “because they are doing this in the present, they will be able to do this in the future”} Some jobs also need {“require” is better here} academic qualifications such as {the “such as” here means you are giving a list of qualifications - move this to after “jobs”, which is what it describes} doctor, teacher, etc.{avoid abbreviations in formal essays - you can say “and so on”} Secondly, [universities] {only a particular university name like “University of Ho Chi Minh City” or “Oxford” is capitalized} are the best enviroment [to] help [eager learners] in enlightening their vision, [expanding] their domain, {“expanding their domain” sounds odd - it reminds me of the old “master of my domain” Seinfeld tv show episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUtJBqgwNgo } [polishing] their skills and [preparing] them to face real world challenges. Especially, we need get [ in-depth] knowledge nowadays to not lose [out to] AI. This seems like a tacked on reason. If you say “especially”, this means it is probably the most important reason and therefore deserves to be fully developed.}
For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that learning beyond the high school level is better than [getting] a job right after school {this conclusion is too short - generally it is a good idea to try to ensure every paragraph, including the intro and conclusion, have at least 3 sentences to show proper paragraphing and development}

[Kolev123]

When somebody is expressing his opinion on some topis he/she must think for what country they are talking.I am from Bulgaria and to be honest our engineers are zero.We don’t have cars,roads,trains,computers and son on produced in our country.Our roads are ridiculous as the people.I was in Switzerland and to be honest in the school of engineers at Neuchatel the technical base and the level of education is higher than our studying system.I am also ridiculous because i had to understand quickly that my level was almost zero.I can play tennis with Roger Federer even only with four years as tennis-man during my youth.If you learnt something it stays forever but if you don’t have natural gift there is no point to try whatever.Look Julia Fischer i like her so much but to be honest her skills are beyond human comprehension.Did she study at the university?No she was born with this gift and she used it.Even if somebody is having memory there is no sense to study something without gift.In my country in the Enterprise Rollplast they don’t know what it means “restriction via sleeve”.So why these people are having diplomas without any covering.Sad but true.

[Kate2202]

Thank you for warning me. I’m a newcomer. So if i don’t check my post within 24 hours, it will be deleted, right

[Luschen]

Not at all Kate! Your post will not be deleted even if you never check it. What happened was I posted my response twice by mistake, so I went back and deleted my duplicate response. It takes 24 hours for that deletion process to be completed.