Funny Jokes you might enjoy

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of beverages. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!

A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. “I have two talking female parrots,” she tells him. “All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That’s awful,” the priest agrees, “but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God.”
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes,” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, “Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!”

One afternoon, a wealthy trader form Aleppo was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the trader
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me
“Bring them along!” said the trader. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.” “But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered
“Bring them, as well!” answered the trader, as he headed for his limo
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you
The trader replied, "Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall

_Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with saint. Peter
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line
“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God says. " all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares to say a word
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me how did you manage to be the only one on this line? “I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. "My wife told me to stand here

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine
“What the hell was that for?” he asked
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”

_An old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!”
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning

_Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

_Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here

_Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what

_A Syrian grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and brings the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat

_A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house

A Syrian man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guy says ‘Well…all traders in Aleppo be honest. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says“How would you define peace.

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Lol, this one takes the cake!
I wish I could get someone to paint my house for only $300. Sounds like a good bargain to me.
Like, we’re running a special tonight - you can have your house pained for only $300. Hehe.

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Hi Hajjarah,
Will you allow me to make a contribution:

When you’re in your coffin
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
The Catholic priest: “I would like someone to say ‘He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous’.”
The Protestant minister: “I would like someone to say ‘He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners’.”
The rabbi: “I would want someone to say ‘Look, he’s moving’.”

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Ha ha ha… Thank U Eugene2114. I welcome all contributions especially if they are amusing like yours. Let`s continue laughing hilariously:

_There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

_A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

_Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one. "

_A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you,”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?”

He hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you,” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird. The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses’?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.”

_A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was that?”

She replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time. Switch sides.”

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After the cruise ship went down - Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen manage to swim to a desert island.

It took 3 months before the rescue party found them to take them home
When they arrived they found…

The 2 Scotsmen had started a Caledonian Club with bagpipes,whisky and haggis.

The 2 Welshmen had started a Barber shop duet - little pencil moustaches and tea towel over the arm etc.

The 2 Irishmen were beating the crap out of each other.

The 2 Englishmen were still waiting to be formally introduced.

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Two Poles are talking about their friend who immigrated to America. “Did you hear about Mietek ? He opened up a jewellery store after just one year in America!” “How did he do that?” “With a crowbar.”

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An Outlaw was just passing riding over an horse through a road in a little town. Suddenly, a nice placard attracted his attention-‘You can now buy a PhD certificate only for 50$!’

He was murmuring for a while-‘It is a nice offer I can be rehabilitated from the outlaw life’. He made up his mind to buy it and jumped down from the horse saddle. Pushing the bat shape door, he entered in to the shop.He asked for his degree with 50$. from the Shop keeper. Completing his order, he thought his horse is only the best companion in the world so that he must do something for it.

He ordered the Shopkeeper with another 50$ ‘Please make ready another PhD degree for my best friend who is now waiting outside that is ‘Peggy’- my horse’

The Shopkeeper replied ‘Sorry Sir; we only sell it to the Donkey not for the Horse!’

_A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question… The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible

Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.

Q: What do you call an old snowman
A: Water

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention
Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can

On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers

“That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?”. “Just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy

“That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl. “A lucky guess,” said the teacher

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?"she asked. “No,” the boy replied

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked

No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it

The boy replied, “A puppy”

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked: “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?” After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you’d be eating alone

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, "Now we run

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A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

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Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

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With all due respect for Karol Wojtyla,he was a multi linguistic.He is my idol.

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Share your respect, Gregory7.

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Thank you very much Eugene 2114.
Next joke - I hope that my sense of humour is digestible

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
-“Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked

  • what happened ?
    and the old man explained.
    -“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
    Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
    Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
    The doctor was shocked!
  • “You asked your neighbor?”
    The old man replied,
    -“Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
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Unexpected finale that was, I enjoyed it.
And how about some grammar?

Male or female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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Just another one concerning the Pope. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did:

Travelling joke

After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my licence,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" “No, I mean really important,” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: "Governor? Cop: “Bigger.” “Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” Cop: “I think it’s God!” Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop: “Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”

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Way to go, girls! :smiley:

Now one to sort of keep things in balance (just quoting from my memory):

A man tells his wife he’s invited a friend over for dinner:
-Are you nuts?! My hair needs washing, the house is a mess and I’m in no mood to cook a fancy meal!
-Yes, I know all that. I just thought I’d do him a favour – you see, poor fool is thinking about getting married.

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The best wishes for all people from Ukraine…In particular for ANASTASIA FROM SEVASTOPOL.I miss her so much.Uppsss.

_Over the holiday season, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head were robbing an old ladies house. The lady heard something suspicious so she called the cops. When the cops arrived the three thieves all hid in the chimney. The cops checked the chimney and shined a light on the red head. She said “meow”. Then the cops shined the light on the brunette. She said “tweet, tweet”. Then they shined on the blonde. She said

"ho ,ho ,ho merry Christmas I`m potatoes

_Mr. Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Mr. Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motionedfrantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Mr. Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Mr. Fred died.

He said, “You know, Mr. Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note and read out loud: "Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube

_Three girls are lined up on execution day, all charged with murder, and are destined to be shot one by one. There was a red head, a brunette, and a blond. The red head was first, the guard lined up his gun and the chief began to direct him with " READY, AIM. …" and the Red head yelled " TORNADO!" Everyone ducked to the ground and the red head escaped just in time. Next was the Brunette. The guard re-lined up his gun and the chief began to call out " READY, AIM…" And the brunette yelled out " HURRICANE!! " once again, everyone ducked and the brunette escaped. By now the blond was finally catching on. The guard re-lined up his gun and the chief began his call again " Ready, Aim!!" And the blond yelled " FIRE

_A blonde lady wants a haircut, so she goes to the hair stylist and says, “I want a haircut.” The stylist says, “Sure, but only if you’ll take off your headphones.” The blonde replies, “If I do, I will die” and proceeds to walk out of the salon. So, the blond and the stylist have similar conversation for a few more days. Then the blond comes in again, and asks for a haircut, but this time the hair stylist just goes up to the blonde and takes off her headphones. The blonde dies. The hair stylist listens to what was playing on her headphones, and she hears "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out

_All the blondes in the world decided to have a “blonde people convention”. at the convention the chairman said to the crowd “Today we are going to prove to the world that Blondes are not dumb! I am going to pick someone from the crowd to answer a question, and after he/she answers it, the world will know how smart we really are!” so he picked a girl from the front row and she came on stage. the chairman asked her "what 2+2 equals? 6 she said the crowd screamed “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” so the chairman said "ok, one more chance. what three plus four equals 2 she said The crowd shouted “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” the chairman said fine… but this is your LAST chance. What five plus three equals? 8 she said the crowd shouted "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE

_A Chinese couple had a baby with blonde hair, so

they named her

“Sum Ting Wong”

_Q: What do you do to keep a blonde busy all day

A: Write turn over on both sides of a paper

To Gregory7:
From people who identify themselves Ukrainians, with best wishes to the Poles.

In case someone needs a hint on fiiling in an application form, below is the one you could possibly use:

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida…and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.