An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of beverages. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!
A man was invited to a friend’s home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names.”
His buddy lowered his voice and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. “I have two talking female parrots,” she tells him. “All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That’s awful,” the priest agrees, “but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God.”
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes,” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, “Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!”
One afternoon, a wealthy trader form Aleppo was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the trader
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me
“Bring them along!” said the trader. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.” “But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered
“Bring them, as well!” answered the trader, as he headed for his limo
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you
The trader replied, "Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall
_Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with saint. Peter
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line
“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God says. " all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares to say a word
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, "Tell me how did you manage to be the only one on this line? “I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. "My wife told me to stand here
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine
“What the hell was that for?” he asked
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”
_An old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!”
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning
_Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
_Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here
_Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what
_A Syrian grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and brings the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat
_A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house
A Syrian man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guy says ‘Well…all traders in Aleppo be honest. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says“How would you define peace.