Could you review my essay and give me a piece of advice about it? (40 independent TOEFL essay)

Hi everybody,
Please, check my essay and give me your feedback. This is the first time that I write an independent essay.

Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school.
Do you think this is a good idea?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

It is very vital for parents that their children be a successful person in their life, so they apply various methods to assist them. I believe that giving money to children as a reward when they achieve high grad is an excellent idea. I will explore the reasons why I feel this way in the following essay.
First of all, in this way, students can be encouraged by their parents to study harder. Consequently, their academic performance will improve. Students are usually occupied with a lot of assignments and projects that sometimes leads them to get bored with studying; therefore, they need something to give them the motivation to put them on track in order to be willing to study again. To be more specific, the same process happens in universities and companies. For example, universities offer scholarships or funding to students who have a strong background in education or skills and also companies give promotions or extra money to hard workers.

Secondly, it gives pupils an opportunity to learn how to control, save, and spend their money from an early age. In other words, they will develop a great skill that will have a considerable impact on their life in the future. For instance, when I was a student at school there was a beautiful watch in a store on my way to school. I always stopped in front of that store and looked at that watch as I did not have enough money. However, there was a way to fulfill my goal. My parents were always giving me money as stimulation when I got top grade, so I gradually saved that money. Ultimately, I purchased that watch.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that students should receive a monetary incentive when they acquire a high mark at school. This is due to the fact that it stimulates them to focus more on their studies and put more effort into studying hard, and because they learn how to manage their money while they are kids.

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Hi Mariyeh, please note that the noun feedback is uncountable in the context you are using it here. As for your essay, can you please tell me how you define ‘a successful person’? Many thanks, Torsten

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Thanks for your reply. In my essay a successful person is a person who has a lot of skills in different areas like their academic major, job, communication, skillful, being independent person and support their life by themselves especially financially. I really appreciate it you mentioned something that I had overlooked. As I said, this is my first essay and I don’t have enough experience. Please, guide me.

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You might want to follow the advice shared here: Could you review my essay and give me a piece of advice about it?

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