zoos are cruel and wrong.

[Nbatruc]

this is an essay I have written after a long time. Please help me check out it, thank you so much.

“Some people believe that zoos serve useful functions. Other people believe that it is cruel and wrong to confine animals in zoos. Tell which point of view you agree with and explain why, using specific details and reasons.”

Naturally, jungle are animals habitats but today they may live in zoos. Some people think that is criminal and zoos confine animals. However, I agree with another perspective is that zoos are very useful because their functions can help them avoid extinction.
Firstly, human population increase so fast, they need place to live, thus they have to cut down trees to take place, this make deforestation happens so quickly. As a result, animals lost their home and also their food, finally they will die and become extinction. A food chain include tigers and deers is an example, grass and some trees’ leaf is deer’s food will disappear if deforestation happens, their number will decrease because they die of hungry. Thereafter, deers are also tigers’ food, if their population down, tigers will lost their food and they are also die in the future. In contrast, if human bring them from forest to zoos, caregivers will take care and feed them, they will have chance to live more.
Moreover, zoos are also the safety place for animals, especially which in the Red book of W.H.O, such as rhino, lion, Sarus Crane, bear and so on. In some countries, they believe when they eat these special animals, they will healthy and the luck will come to them. Then, they ready to pay high price to have them, money is cause hunters hunt these rare animals make their number fall down quickly. Because of this, animals live in zoos will not be hunted by bad guys, they are protected. By this way, human also help them maintain species’ survival.
Lastly, I disagree the opinion that zoos is cruel and wrong because they believe animals are confine in there. Unlike in the past, almost zoos in the world have plans to bring animals back to their home –jungle when they are ready to survive alone in this environment. By this reason, zoos are not confine animals all of their life, people in zoos only give them deciduous homes until they may come back their old homes. For instance, panda is one of rare animals, their number is decrease a lot by hunting, some zoos in China bring them from jungle and take care them, find the lover and help them hold on their species. After that, they teach panda child how to live in forest and bring them back at the right time when they can live by themselves safety.
Conclusion, zoos are the good place for animals which is hunted seriously, lost their home and became extinction by human modern life. I believe some rare animals still survive today thanks to caregivers in the zoos, if zoos are not opened, a lot of animals will disappeared in the world forever.

TOEFL listening lectures: How would the professor most probably categorize Shinto?

[Luschen]

Hi Nbatruc, I thought your essay was not too bad. I think I might have been a little lenient on your previous essays, looking at them now. This one seems pretty similar in quality. Your content is excellent and you have a good structure and have addressed the topic well. But you have an awful lot of errors and a lot of your errors seem pretty basic. Most of your writing is understandable, but a lot of your sentences sound awkward and unnatural. Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 5.

@Nbatruc

this is an essay I have written after a long time. Please help me check out it, thank you so much.

“Some people believe that zoos serve useful functions. Other people believe that it is cruel and wrong to confine animals in zoos. Tell which point of view you agree with and explain why, using specific details and reasons.”

Naturally,{putting naturally here is a little confusing - are you saying the jungles are natural, or are you using naturally as a transition?} jungle are animals['] habitats {but not all animals live in a jungle environment} but today they may live in zoos. Some people think that [this] is criminal and zoos [needlessly] {or “excessively” - surely every zoo confines animals? That is almost the definition of a zoo} confine animals. However, I agree with another perspective[ that says] is that zoos are very useful because their functions can help them[rare animals] avoid extinction.
Firstly, [the] human population [is] increas[ing] so fast, they need place[s ] to live, thus they have to cut down trees to take place,{“take place” is incorrect here} this make deforestation happens so quickly. As a result, animals [have] lost their home[s ] and also their food [sources][;] finally[soon] they will die and become extinction. A food chain includ[ing] tigers and deers{“deer” is the plural of deer} is an example[;] grass and some trees’ lea[ves, which] is [the] deer’s food will disappear if deforestation happens[;] their number will decrease because they die of hung[er]. Thereafter, deers[deer] are also tigers’ food, [so] if their population [goes] down,{or “population decreases”} tigers will lo[se] their food [source] and they are [will] also die in the future. In contrast, if human[s ] bring them from [the] forest to zoos, caregivers will take care and feed them, [so] they will have chance to live [longer] more.
Moreover, zoos are also the saf[est] place for animals, especially [those] which [are] in the Red book of W.H.O, such as rhino[s ], lion[s ], Sarus Crane, bear[s ] and so on. In some countries, they believe when they eat these special animals, they will [become] healthy and the luck will come to them. Then, they [are] ready to pay [a] high price to have them[;] money is caus[ing] hunters [to] hunt these rare animals [,] mak[ing] their number[s ] [decrease] fall down quickly. Because of this, {“Despite this” is more of what you mean} animals liv[ing] in zoos will not be hunted by bad guys,{“bad guys” is a little too informal for this kind of essay} they are protected. By this way, human[s ]{“humans” is used mainly when talking about biology or comparing humans to other animals - “people” would be better here} also help them maintain species’ survival.
Lastly, I disagree [with] the opinion that zoos is [are] cruel and wrong because they believe animals are confine[d ] in there. Unlike in the past, almost [all the] zoos in the world have plans to bring animals back to their [native habitat] home –jungle when they are ready to survive alone in this environment. By[For] this reason, zoos are not confine animals all of their li[ves;] people in zoos only give them deciduous{deciduous is incorrect here} homes until they may come back [to] their old homes. For instance, [the giant] panda is one of rare[st] animals, their number is decreas[ing] a lot by hunting[;] some zoos in China bring [have brought] them from [the] jungle and take care [of] them, find the lover {“lover” is wrong here} and help [these species to hold on] {is this what you meant?} them hold on their species. After that, they teach panda child[cubs] how to live in [the] forest and bring them back at the right time when they can live by themselves safe[ly]
[In] Conclusion, zoos are the[a] good place for animals which is[are] hunted seriously, {“seriously” is confusing here - it sounds like the hunters are being serious when they hunt} lost[losing] their home and became extinction by human modern [society] life. I believe some rare animals still survive today thanks to caregivers in the zoos[;] if zoos are not opened, a lot of animals will disappeared in the world forever.

TOEFL listening lectures: How would the professor most probably categorize Shinto?

[Nbatruc]

thanks a lot, I will try to fix it, I think need to check out my writing myself before I post in forumn.
I have checked out the essay. Thank you for helping me fix all these mistakes. However, I have some questions, can you explain them to me?

1. “mak[ing] their number[s ] [decrease] fall down quickly”: why I cannot use “fall down” in this case? I want to show the seriousness of this issue, I mean it happens really really quickly.
2. “By[For] this reason” : Do we have the clause “by this reason”? Why “by” cannot use in this clause?
3. "find the lover {“lover” is wrong here} and help [these species to hold on] {is this what you meant?}them hold on their species. "
   If the word “lover” is not suitable in this sentence, I really don’t know which word better? Can you give me some advices?
   Do the clause “them hold on their species” wrong in grammar? I think 2 clause ( 1 from you and 1 from mine) are not different.
4. “zoos are the[a] good place for animals which is[are] hunted seriously, lost[losing] their home and became extinction”
   Can I change the word “seriously” to “intensive”?
   Why is it “losing”? I think “lost” is ok because in whole sentence I use past simple “hunted” or “became”.

[Luschen]

@Nbatruc

thanks a lot, I will try to fix it, I think need to check out my writing myself before I post in forumn.
I have checked out the essay. Thank you for helping me fix all these mistakes. However, I have some questions, can you explain them to me?

1. “mak[ing] their number[s ] [decrease] fall down quickly”: why I cannot use “fall down” in this case? I want to show the seriousness of this issue, I mean it happens really really quickly.

[color=red]“Fall down” is always used to describe someone or something physically collapsing, like a building in an earthquake or a person tripping. You could have said “number fall quickly” or if you want to show the seriousness, maybe a synonym like “number plummet rapidly”.

2. “By[For] this reason” : Do we have the clause “by this reason”? Why “by” cannot use in this clause?

[color=red]It just is not. Have you heard of ngram? It looks up phrases from thousands of published works like books and magazines over the years. You can plug in phrases to see how often they are used and to compare - see this: books.google.com/ngrams/graph?c … on%3B%2Cc0

3. "find the lover {“lover” is wrong here} and help [these species to hold on] {is this what you meant?}them hold on their species. "
   If the word “lover” is not suitable in this sentence, I really don’t know which word better? Can you give me some advices?

[color=red]I still don’t understand what the lover is. Are you talking about an animal lover or are you talking about finding another panda for the panda to mate with and have babies?

 Do the clause "them hold on their species" wrong in grammar? I think 2 clause ( 1 from you and 1 from mine) are not different.

[color=red]I guess it would be “help them hold on to their species”, but that sounds odd to me, like they are holding on to themselves. You can say, “the men had to hold on to their hats in the strong wind”, but in your context it sounds a little weird.

4. “zoos are the[a] good place for animals which is[are] hunted seriously, lost[losing] their home and became extinction”
   Can I change the word “seriously” to “intensive”?

[color=red]You need an adverb, but “intensively” would be very good.

 Why is it "losing"? I think "lost" is ok because in whole sentence I use past simple "hunted" or "became".

[color=red]The problem is “are hunted” is actually in the present tense, because of the “are”. The meaning is identical to the present progressive tense, as it could be rewritten: “which are being hunted”, so that is why I used “losing”. To be consistent I should have changed “became” to "becoming as well
.

[Nbatruc]

I got it, thank you for your help.