your suggestions about my writing

[Mohammad162]

Dear members,

I have written an essay in 45 minutes. I would be pleasure if you edit it and tell me my mistakes. The question was about agree or disagree idea. Thank you

air traffic is increasingly leading to more noise, pollution and airport construction. One reason for this is the growth in low cost passenger flight, often to holiday destinations. Some people say that government should try to reduce air traffic by taxing it more high heavily. Do you agree or disagree.

Nowadays, our global communication has fasted and also transformation and doing of any task have to carry out in a short time. Some people believe that air traffic leads to construction of more airport, more noise and more air pollution which is due to low cost of passenger flights that anybody can flights to everywhere like holiday destinations, but some others recommended that government should try to reduce air traffic by taxing it more heavily.

In my opinion, construction of new airport is essential for these days, because we need to transform from place to place in a short time. For instance, most of the university professors have to flight for teaching in other cities; furthermore, most of us need to flight for doing our jobs. Therefore, increasing the cost of passenger flights leads to our destruction.

I remember when my brother and I wanted to fly to Turkey for vacation after three months working which was made us upset. Really, we needed a pleasure time for recovering and relaxing, but unfortunately the high cost of flight dose not allowed us. Therefore, we had to spend our leisure time at house and so, it made us depressed.
Although concerning about the global environment is a good thought, but I think the mentioned way is not applicable in this case. The best way for solving this problem is to planning and construction of a new model airplane that make lees noise with less pollution, not increasing high tax on flight tickets.

However, anybody needs to do anything in a little time exactly like improving global network, telephone conversation and so on. For example, if we have to do a vital thing, like posting an essential thing or transforming a vital tool for doing an important surgery, we have to post it by flight. Consequently, increasing of high tax on flight tickets leads to irreparable damages and I don’t agree with the mentioned idea.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university professor and a student in the professor’s office

[Luschen]

Hi, your writing is not too bad. I think your structure could be better though. Your thesis statement should be more clear. You should also begin each body paragraph with a topic sentence outlining the reason you will support in that paragraph. It is also good to end with a short conclusion, perhaps you were running out of time. Remember that “transform” is different than “transport”. By working on your overall structure, I think you can quickly improve your essays, but for now, I would rate this essay a 2.5 out of 5.

@Mohammad162

Dear members,

I have written an essay in 45 minutes. I would be pleasure[pleased] if you edit it and tell me my mistakes. The question was about [an] agree or disagree idea. Thank you

air{capitalize} traffic is increasingly leading to more noise, pollution and airport construction. One reason for this is the growth in low cost passenger flight[s ], often to holiday destinations. Some people say that government should try to reduce air traffic by taxing it more high heavily. Do you agree or disagree.

Nowadays, our global communication has fasted[become faster] and also [undergone a] transformation and [, so] doing of any task have to carry [must be carried] out in a short time.{how does this connect with your second sentence? make the transition better} Some people believe that air traffic leads to construction of more airport, more noise and more air pollution which is due to [the] low cost of passenger flights that anybody can flights to everywhere like holiday destinations,{this phrase sounded very awkward} {avoid repeating the prompt word-for-word. I know you changed the order, but you didn’t fool me! } but some others recommended that government should try to reduce air traffic by taxing it more heavily. {this is an agree or disagree essay, so you must agree or disagree! Make sure to put your opinion, the opinion you will support in the rest of the essay, as the final sentence of your introduction.}

In my opinion, construction of new airport[s ] is essential for these days, because we need to transform[travel] from place to place in a short time. For instance, most of the university professors have to [fly to teach] flight for teaching in other cities; furthermore, most of us need to flight[fly] for doing our jobs. Therefore, increasing the cost of passenger flights leads to our destruction. {try to be more specific in your examples, also, your concluding sentence is not convincing to me without more evidence}

I remember when my brother and I wanted to fly to Turkey for vacation after three months working[,] which was ma[king] us upset. {was the flight or the job making you upset? A little ambiguous} Really, we needed a pleasure[some leisure] time {or “a vacation” to avoid repetition later} for recovering and relaxing, but unfortunately the high cost of [A] flight d[id] not allowed us [this opportunity]. Therefore, we had to spend our leisure time at ho[me] and so, it made us depressed.
Although concerning about the global environment is a good thought, but {do not use both “although” and “but” together}I think the mentioned way{what is the “mentioned way”? Please “re-mention” it here} is not applicable in this case. The best way for solving {“to solve” is better here} this problem is t[he] planning and construction of a new model airplane that make lees noise with less pollution, not increasing high tax[es] on flight tickets.

However, anybody needs to do anything in a little time exactly like improving global network, telephone conversation and so on.{this sentence is very awkward and confusing} For example, if we have to do [transport] a vital thing{avoid using “thing” - here you could say “product” or “item”}, like posting an essential thing{be more specific} or transforming[delivering] a vital tool for doing an important surgery, we have to post[send] {“post” is a bit unclear here} it by [air]flight. Consequently, increasing of high tax[es] on flight tickets leads to irreparable damages and I don’t agree with the mentioned idea. {this paragraph really has very little to do with the prompt. The prompt talks about taxes on passenger flights, not taxes on cargo flights}

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university professor and a student in the professor’s office

[Mohammad162]

Dear Luschen,

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. Also, I appreciate your suggestion.

Many thanks again
Mohammad