Writing task 2/ please correct me if there any wrong

[Maha]

Hello,
I am trying to improve my writing. Please correct me.
Thank you
IELTS TOPIC
For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and maths. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as a fourth skill to be added to the list. To what extent do you agree?

There is no doubt that the computer skills are required in a lot of workplace. However, this raises the question: in various countries, reading, writing and math are the significant parts of skills education. Some people are thinking that the computer skill have been added as a fourth skill at school. To what position do you agree? In this essay I intend to discuss the agree and disagree of this tendency.

On one side of the argument there are people who argue that the benefits of learning computer in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is educating students’ computer skills is necessary to be a successful employee in a career path. Professional development teacher, for example, requires to use technology for contacting education experts. Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills are a useful way to learn a new language via easy facilities. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact the native speakers. One good illustration of that is Duolingo application. Learners are capable to speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve students accent. There are a useful of the advantages of teaching students computer at school.

On other hand, it is also possible to consider that the computer has disadvantages as well as advantages of learning computer skills at school. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will getting certainly an eye disease.

A third point is that the computer causes physical damage as a result of that the body exhibited of electrical charges. A particularly good example here is students who are playing constantly front the computer screen suffer from the convulsion. These disadvantages show educators the dark side of using the computer at school.
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding the computer skill at school. In my opinion, I do believe that adding the computer skill at school is useful for students as well as reading, writing and maths.

[Luschen]

Hi Maha, you have some good ideas here, but you have not really addressed the
prompt correctly. This is not a “discuss both sides of the issue” type prompt. Instead, you should be supporting one side or the other of the debate throughout your entire essay. The problem starts with your thesis, which does not answer the prompt’s question. It is not until the very end of your essay that I even know what your opinion is and even then it is not clear why you feel that way. You have given two reasons agains computers and only one reason for. Really, you should give three reasons for computers if that is what you are arguing. If you do give a reason against computers, you should show why that reason is not important or not relevant. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Maha

There is no doubt that the computer skills are required in a lot of [workplaces]. However, this raises the question: in various countries, reading, writing and math are the significant parts of skills education. {this is not a question} {“skills education” sounds odd} Some people are thinking {“are thinking” sounds too informal for this type of essay - the standard form is “people think that” or “people now think that” if you want to stress the recent thinking} that the computer [skills] [should be] added as a fourth skill at school. To what position do you agree? {this rhetorical question doesn’t really work here} {I think maybe you have been told that you should paraphrase the prompt - it is fine to paraphrase the first sentence of the prompt, which gives the background, and the second sentence of the prompt, which gives the two sides, but this last sentence of the prompt should not be paraphrased. Instead it should be answered in your thesis statement} In this essay I intend to discuss the agree and disagree {“discuss the agree and disagree” is incorrect} of this tendency. {for this prompt, just answer the prompt’s question in your thesis - state what you think and the extent to which you hold your opinion - “I wholeheartedly agree that computer skills in the modern world are critical and deserve the be treated equally to the traditional “three R’s” of education.” - to let you know, the “three R’s” are “reading, writing, and 'rithmetic”}

On one side of the argument there are people who argue that the benefits of learning [about computers] in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is educating [students on] computer skills is necessary [for them to] be successful [employees] in a career path. [Being a] Professional development teacher, for example, requires [one] to use technology for contacting education experts. {this seems like a very specialized example - I’m not sure why you chose it} Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills [is] a useful way to learn a new language via easy facilities.{“easy facilities” sounds odd and a little vague} In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact the native speakers. One good illustration of that is [the] Duolingo application. Learners are capable to speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve [students’] accent. There are a [multitude of] useful of the advantages of teaching students computer [skills] at school.

On other hand, it is also possible to consider [that learning computer skills at school] has disadvantages as well as advantages of learning computer skills at school. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will getting certainly [end up getting] an eye disease. {a “disease” is generally caused by a microorganism - here “eye disorder” is better}

A third point {this is actually your second disadvantage} is that the computer causes physical damage as a result of that the body [being exposed to] electrical charges. A particularly good example here is students who are playing constantly [in] front the computer screen {this sound like they are playing hide and seek or some other game, but just happening to do it in front of the computer - I think you really mean “students who are constantly sitting in front of a computer screen playing vido games suffer …”} suffer from the [convulsions]. {I don’t think this is factually true, apart from those rare cases where flashing lights can cause epileptic seizures} These disadvantages show educators the dark side of using the computer at school. {this paragraph should be combined with the previous one to give all the disadvantages in one paragraph}

In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding the computer [skills to the curriculum] at school. In my opinion, I do believe that [teaching] computer [skills] at school is [as] useful for students as well as reading, writing and maths. {but what about the convulsions!?!?! But seriously, I don’t think your essay clearly shows that the benefits of computers outweigh the dangers}

[Maha]

thank you for correcting my essay
here is the essay again.

For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and maths. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as a fourth skill to be added to the list. To what extent do you agree?

There is no doubt that the computer skills are required in many workplaces. However, this raises the question: in various countries, reading, writing and math are the significant parts of education. People now think that the computer skills should be added as a fourth skill at school. I wholeheartedly agree that computer skills in the modern world are critical and deserve to be treated equally to the traditional skills of education.
.
On one side of the argument there are people who argue that the benefits of learning about computers in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is Including the computer skills at curriculum are providing the students a background of trading business via technology. Learning basic technology is a significant path for the sellers to contact with a customer. For instance, learning an email is basic to E Marketing business. Thus, teaching students the computer skills at the school is absolutely permit them to be familiar with online marketing. In addition, the one good thing is that educating students with computer skills is necessary for them to be a successful employee in a career path. Being a professional development in job, for example, requires one to study online. Therefore, study online needs to recognize the computer skills at school, which are definitely a positive way to develop employers. Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills are a useful way to learning a new language via technology. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact native speakers. One good illustration of that is the Duolingo application. Learners are capable to speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve students’ accent. There are a multitude of useful advantages of teaching students computer skills at school.
On other hand, it is also possible to consider that learning the computer skills at school has disadvantages as well as advantages. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will certainly end up getting an eye disorder. This disadvantage shows the people the dark side of using the computer at school.
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding computer skills to the curriculum at school. In my opinion, I do believe that teaching the computer skills at school is as useful for students as well as reading, writing and math.

[Maha]

Hi
Thank you so much.
So I have deleted the disadvantages but one.

[Luschen]

Hi Maha, I think this is better. For this type of prompt though, it is usually better to have one reason per paragraph, instead of putting all your reasons in one long paragraph.
Also, see how by adding one short sentence, I was able to show that the apparent disadvantage is not very important. Here are some other suggestions:

@Maha

There is no doubt that the computer skills are required in many workplaces. [Therefore], this raises the question: in various countries, reading, writing and math are the significant parts of education[, but what about training in computer use?]. [Many] People now think that the computer skills should be added as a fourth [foundational course] at school. I wholeheartedly agree that computer skills in the modern world are critical and deserve to be treated equally to the traditional [fields] of education.
.
[I support the] one side of the argument there are people who [the proponents who argue] that the benefits of learning about computers in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is [that] Including the computer skills at curriculum are providing [provides] the students a background of trading business {“trading business” is unclear to me here} via technology. Learning basic technology is a significant path for the sellers to [effectively] contact [their customers]. For instance, learning [how to use] email is basic to [the e-marketing] business. Thus, teaching students the computer skills at the school is absolutely permit [critical for] them {or “school permits them to …” you cannot “absolutely permit” } to be familiar with online marketing. In addition, the one good thing [a further benefit] is that educating students with computer skills is necessary for them to be a successful [employees] in a career path. Being a professional development in job, for example, requires one to study online. {this is unclear - what is a professional development job? and why does it require studying online?} Therefore, [to] study online [one] needs to [acquire] the computer skills at school, which are definitely a positive way to develop employers.{do you mean “employees”?} Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills [is] {“learning” is the singular subject here} a useful way to [learn] a new language via technology. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact native speakers. One good illustration of that is the Duolingo application. Learners are capable [of] speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve students’ accent. There are a multitude of useful advantages of teaching students computer skills at school.
On other hand, it is also possible to consider that learning the computer skills at school has disadvantages as well as advantages. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will certainly end up getting an eye disorder. This disadvantage shows the people the dark side of using the computer at school. [Still, by limiting the amount of time spent on the computer, such risks can be effectively controlled.]
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding computer skills to the curriculum at school. In my opinion, I do believe that teaching the computer skills at school is as useful for students as well as reading, writing and math.

[Maha]

@Luschen

[I support the] one side of the argument there are people who [the proponents who argue] that the benefits of learning about computers in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is [that] Including the computer skills at curriculum are providing [provides] the students a background of trading business {“trading business” is unclear to me here} via technology. Learning basic technology is a significant path for the sellers to [effectively] contact [their customers]. For instance, learning [how to use] email is basic to [the e-marketing] business. Thus, teaching students the computer skills at the school is absolutely permit [critical for] them {or “school permits them to …” you cannot “absolutely permit” } to be familiar with online marketing. In addition, the one good thing [a further benefit] is that educating students with computer skills is necessary for them to be a successful [employees] in a career path. Being a professional development in job, for example, requires one to study online. {this is unclear - what is a professional development job? and why does it require studying online?} Therefore, [to] study online [one] needs to [acquire] the computer skills at school, which are definitely a positive way to develop employers.{do you mean “employees”?} Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills [is] {“learning” is the singular subject here} a useful way to [learn] a new language via technology. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact native speakers. One good illustration of that is the Duolingo application. Learners are capable [of] speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve students’ accent. There are a multitude of useful advantages of teaching students computer skills at school.
On other hand, it is also possible to consider that learning the computer skills at school has disadvantages as well as advantages. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will certainly end up getting an eye disorder. This disadvantage shows the people the dark side of using the computer at school. [Still, by limiting the amount of time spent on the computer, such risks can be effectively controlled.]
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding computer skills to the curriculum at school. In my opinion, I do believe that teaching the computer skills at school is as useful for students as well as reading, writing and math.

many thanks fro your help
still have problem with clear idea? do you know the way to clear my idea?
and also, I write it again with delete and add some.

I support the the proponents who argue that the benefits of learning about computers in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. The main reason for this is that Including the computer skills at curriculum provides the students a background of business via technology. Learning basic technology is a significant path for the sellers to effectively contact their customers. For instance, learning how to use email is basic to the e-marketing business. Thus, teaching students the computer skills at school is absolutely critical for them to be familiar with online marketing.
In addition, a further benefit is that educating students with computer skills is necessary for them to be successful employees in a career path. To Be a professional in your job, for example, could requires one to study online with working at the same time. Therefore, to study online one needs to acquire the computer skills at school, which are definitely a positive way to develop employees.
Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills is a useful way to learn a new language via technology. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact native speakers. One good illustration of that is the Duolingo application. Learners are capable of speaking with a native speaker which is a perfect chance to improve students’ accent. There are a multitude of useful advantages of teaching students computer skills at school.
On other hand, it is also possible to consider that learning the computer skills at school has disadvantages as well as advantages. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will certainly end up getting an eye disorder. This disadvantage shows the people the dark side of using the computer at school. Still, by limiting the amount of time spent on the computer, such risks can be effectively controlled.
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding computer skills to the curriculum at school. In my opinion, I do believe that teaching computer skills at school is as useful for students as well as reading, writing and math.

thank you again

[Luschen]

Hi Maha, you lost your introduction in this rewrite. Plus I think there are too many body paragraphs. Really for the IELTS, there is only time to write two supporting reasons and one reason for the other side that you can show is not important or relevant, so three body paragraphs at the most. I think your ideas here are pretty clear, but businesses don’t really “learn about computers” to contact their customers, they use computers to do this, or hire someone who is already an expert.

@Maha

I support the the proponents who argue that the benefits of learning about computers in school considerably outweigh the disadvantages. {this is not really a proper introduction} The main reason for this is that Including the computer skills [in the] curriculum provides the students a background of business via technology. Learning [In the marketplace,] basic technology is a significant path for the sellers to effectively contact their customers. For instance, learning how to [using] email is basic to the e-marketing business. Thus, teaching students the computer skills at school is absolutely critical for them to be familiar with [different facets of business, including] online marketing.
In addition, a further benefit is that educating students with computer skills is necessary for them to be successful employees [on] a career path. To Be a professional in your job, for example, could requires one to study online [while] working at the same time. Therefore, to study online one needs to acquire the computer skills at school, which are definitely a positive way to develop employees.
Moreover, it is also possible that learning computer skills is a useful way to learn a new language via technology. In order to reach the advanced level in learning a new language, students have to contact native speakers. One good illustration of that is the Duolingo application. Learners are capable of speaking with a native speaker[,] which is a perfect chance to improve students’ accent. [As this illustrates,] There are a multitude of useful advantages of teaching students computer skills at school.
On other hand, it is also possible to consider that learning the computer skills at school has disadvantages as well as advantages. It is often argued that in fact if students use the computer all day, they will certainly end up getting an eye disorder. This disadvantage shows the people the dark side of using the computer at school. Still, by limiting the amount of time spent on the computer, such risks can be effectively controlled.
In conclusion, as we have seen, there are advantages and disadvantages of adding computer skills to the curriculum at school. In my opinion, I do believe that teaching computer skills at school is as useful for students as well as reading, writing and math.