Writing task 2 It Is More Important For Schoolchildren To Learn About Local History Than World History. To What Extent Do You Agree Or Disagree?

[Oneanother]

Hi! Please give me some feedback on this essay. Thanks a lot <3

It has always been a heated controversy over whether studying local history or global history is deemed more important to children. While I agree that children should learn local history, I firmly believe the study of international history is also of great worth.
On the one hand, the reasons why students need to learn regional history are manifold. To start off, gaining a thorough insight into local historical values can promote patriotism. Learning local history undeniably reminds younger generations of how their ancestors sacrificed and consistently protected their territory from incursions. Students who know this unpalatable truth of wars, as a result, tend to treasure the tranquil life they have and make a contribution to their home countries. Furthermore, an excellent command of local history does forge one’s sense of identity. More precisely, young people understanding how their culture and country have evolved tend to be aware of their roots, thus, take great pride in their country.
On the other hand, it is wrong to reject the argument in favor of learning world history. Firstly, there is no denying the fact that accumulating knowledge from the world would help people broaden their horizons. The more knowledge about customs, traditions, and cultures they acquired, the more well-rounded they become. Secondly, students taught about world history are more likely to become global citizens. These people have abandoned prejudices and embraced diverse exotic cultures. In other words, they are tolerable towards other groups of people and easily adapt themselves to new circumstances.
In conclusion, it is ludicrous to compare the study of local history with world history because they are equally important.

[Luschen]

Hi Oneanother, this is a very well-written essay. Your introduction is a little too formulaic and your conclusion is too short - I would try to have at least two sentences per paragraph. But besides this, your essay was outstanding and addressed the prompt well. I was only able to find a couple areas for improvement:

@Oneanother

It has always been a heated controversy {I can’t imagine this has been much of a “heated controversy” - most people probably agree with you that both are important} over whether studying local history or global history is deemed more important [for] children. While I agree that children should learn local history, I firmly believe the study of international history is also of great worth.
On the one hand, the reasons why students need to learn regional history are manifold. To start off, gaining a thorough insight into local historical values can promote patriotism. Learning local history undeniably reminds younger generations of how their ancestors sacrificed and consistently protected their territory from incursions. {this seems too specific - not every area was threatened with incursions - maybe use this as a “for instance”} Students who know this unpalatable truth of wars, as a result, tend to treasure the tranquil life they have and make a contribution to their [native] countries. Furthermore, an excellent command of local history does forge one’s sense of identity. More precisely, young people [who understand]how their culture and country have evolved tend to be aware of their roots, [and] thus, take great pride in their country.
On the other hand, it is wrong to reject the argument in favor of learning world history. Firstly, there is no denying the fact that accumulating knowledge from the [wider] world would help people broaden their horizons. The more knowledge about customs, traditions, and cultures they [acquire], the more well-rounded they become. Secondly, students taught about world history are more likely to become global citizens. These [enlightened] people have abandoned prejudices and embraced diverse exotic cultures. In other words, they are [tolerant] towards other groups of people and easily adapt themselves to new circumstances.
In conclusion, it is ludicrous to compare {this seems a bit strong, plus you just compared the two and it doesn’t seem that ludicrous - each have their own advantages!} the study of local history with world history because they are equally important.