Writing task 2 for correction

[mitchey]

Please evaluate this essay. Thank you in advance.

Q: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes
the government has to pay for this care.

Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is commonly believed that elderly people should be sent to home for the aged as there are responsible caregivers who will take care of them and it is thought that the government should spend for their stay of treatment. This essay will discuss that both government and family share both responsibility on taking care of these expenses.

To begin with, old age decrease their capability to perform their activities of daily living which they require either a professional help from nurses or family members. At any given circumstances, families have different reasons as why they would not be able to provide the needs of their parents. Some of them are working full time, some are also busy with their own family and some are just out of the country doing some extracurricular activities. Valid or not, they should think of possibility where they can send their parents to be taken cared of and they are fully responsible with regards to the expenses it may incur.

However, as a citizen of the country, each individual has the responsibility to pay taxes and life insurance necessary for retirement. Meaning to say, you have paid your liability and it is the government way of returning the favor by spending for your retirement home when you get old. Government expenditure such as paying medicines, doctor’s professional fee and meal allowance should be well scrutinized.

To conclude, sending old adults in retirement home with health care professionals to help them with their basic needs is a must. Medical expenses should be both shouldered by government and families especially if the family has fewer resources to provide for their parents.

[Luschen]

Hi Mitchey, I don’t think you read the prompt quite correctly. This is not really a two part prompt in that the prompt is not asking whether old people should go to retirement homes. The prompt simply states that old people do go to retirement homes, raising the question of who should pay for them, the families or the government. So your first sentence of your introduction is not really a correct paraphrase of the prompt. Also, your first body paragraph is not really relevant to the prompt, since the question is not whether professional elder care is necessary, it is only a matter of who should pay for it. Your writing itself though is pretty clear, though I was able to make a few suggestions here and there.

@mitchey

It is commonly believed that elderly people should be sent to [homes] for the aged as there are responsible caregivers [there] who will take care of them and it is thought that the government should [pay] for their stay of treatment. This essay will discuss [why] both government and family [both] share both responsibility on taking care of these expenses.

To begin with, old age [decreases people’s] their capability to perform their activities of daily living[, so] they require either a professional help from [either] nurses or family members. [In] any given circumstances, families have different reasons as [to] why they would not be able to provide [for] the needs of their parents. Some of them are working full time, some are also busy with their own family and some are just out of the country doing some extracurricular {this sounds odd, as extracurricular would only apply to students} activities. Valid or not, they should think of possibility where they can send their parents to be taken cared of and they are fully responsible with regards to the expenses it may incur. {this sentence is very unclear - first, who is “they”? the caregivers? I suppose so, but it is unclear what you are asking them to do. Think of the future and prepare in advance?}

However, as a citizen of the country, each individual has the responsibility to pay taxes and life insurance necessary for retirement. {These seem like two different aspects. Yes, we must pay taxes, which perhaps should entitle us to be cared for when we are elderly, but insurance, like long-term care insurance, is meant to pay for any retirement home expenses so the government will not have to. So here you are mixing up a government solution with a private solution} Meaning to say, you have paid your liability and it is the [government’s] way of returning the favor by [funding] your retirement home when you get old. Government [expenditures] such as paying [for] medicines, doctor’s professional [fees] and meal allowance should be well scrutinized. {This is unclear - do you mean they should be looked at closely so that these payments are not made so often? Maybe only pay if the recipients are truly poor? In any case, it is unclear to me.}

To conclude, sending [older] adults [to] retirement home with health care professionals to help them with their basic needs is a must. Medical expenses should be both shouldered [both] by government and families[,] especially if the family has fewer resources to provide for their parents.