Writing task 2 essay - Can you give me feedback and estimated Band Score according to current rating system please?

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
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Hi everybody. I hope you are good. I wonder your comments and estimated band score. @Sumejja @Torsten @tim_m

The average standard of people’s health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is generally thought that people’s health standard is getting lower day by day. I completely disagree with this statement because I believe that technological development helps to the healthcare system.

First of all, technological improvent increasingly contributes health system as well as people’s health situation. In other words, most hospitals in many countries started to use up-to-date devices for treatment of some illnesses. For example, tiny robots which operates to people’s back are used by many doctors In Turkey for curing some backache problems. People can live longer thanks to these developments.

Secondly, in the past, people could die because of very simple illnesses such as measles and boil. Now, these illnesses are considered to be not important thanks to cure which has been found. Moreover, I am convinced that preventative measures are necessary for people’s life. For instance, nowadays Covid-19 pandemic affects people all over the world. If the vaccine had been developed by scientist, a lot of people would not have died because of this virus. Although, the vaccination does not applied people still live longer than past. Likewise, I think that people’s health standard will increase thanks to preventative measures.

In conclusion, although some people think that average standard of people’s health get lower in the future than now, in my opinion people’s health standard will develop thanks to technological improvent and preventative measures such as vaccine.

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I think I won’t receive an answer anymore :slight_smile:

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  1. Correct me if I’m wrong. Shouldn’t it be like that: “tiny robots which OPERATE”?
  2. “had been developed by scientist,” I think it should be “by a scientist or by scientists”.

I’m not an expert but I think there are too many “thanks to” phrases. Try to find out a work around:
As a result
by virtue of
with the aid of

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You are right @Oybeka98 I will work on them. Thank you for advice which is about usage of some phrases instead of thanks to.

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Hi Mehmet! I’ve been busy these past few days, so I’m only now getting back to you on this.

because I believe that technological development helps to the healthcare system.

“To” is redundant. “Helps the healthcare system” would be correct.

technological improvent increasingly contributes to the health system

And now the opposite mistake – here, you’re missing “to the.”

tiny robots which operates to people’s back

It should be “tiny robots which operate on people’s backs.” I know @Oybeka98 already corrected that, but I’ll add that you need to stay consistent throughout the sentence. If you say “people,” that’s already plural, which means it should be “operate” as “operates” is only used for singular.

these illnesses are considered to be not important

The correct, better sounding choice here would be “unimportant.” But also, this is factually incorrect. Measles are definitely not considered unimportant. Sure, vaccinated people will most likely never contract them, but the spread of anti-vaxx ideologies has brought this risk back, and many non-vaccinated children (both those that can’t be vaccinated due to other problems, and those that parents didn’t vaccinate because they don’t believe in vaccines) have suffered the consequences. Some have even died.

But I think I understand what you wanted to say with your sentence – that these illnesses are now not as dangerous as they used to be, thanks to scientific innovations (be they vaccines or medicine or even new approaches). I’d rephrase it that way.

preventative measures are necessary for people’s life.

Again, you need to stay consistent throughout the sentence. As we said, “people” is always plural - the singular would be “person” - which means “life” should also be plural, making it “people’s lives.”

If the vaccine had been developed by scientist

Oybek also corrected the scientist part, but I’d add that it should be “if a vaccine…” Because there is no single vaccine you’re referring to, as it doesn’t exist. This means that any vaccine could be developed for this disease. When you’re referring to something that is not yet determined, you shouldn’t use “the.” Let me know if you need a better explanation here and we can come up with something.

Although, the vaccination does not applied people still live longer than past.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea what you wanted to say here. The whole sentence doesn’t make any sense. Maybe “Even without the vaccine, people still live longer than in the past”? I don’t know how to point out the mistake because it’s not a single mistake. Have you translated this using Google Translate? Sometimes phrases from our native language don’t mean anything in English when translated word for word.

that average standard of people’s health will get lower in the future than now

You’re referring to the future, so you need the appropriate tense, that’s why I added “will.”

Other than that, it’s mostly good. Oybek also makes a great point with the “thanks to” phrase and its alternatives. I notice you’re getting better, but there are still some basic issues that need to be addressed one by one. You may want to revisit some older lessons. We can correct your mistakes one by one, but we can’t address the reason behind those mistakes as there’s just not enough space for that.

However, if you decide to study from the ground up, we can help you with more specific things, like phrases, tenses, etc. Good luck!

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Thank you very much @Sumejja for your detailed response and useful comments. Regarding this sentence, you are right. I mean that “Even without the vaccine, people still live longer than in the past” but I wrote this essay in 30 minutes. So, I missed somethings.

By the way your comments which are about my writing skills’ improvent encourage me for IELTS exam :slight_smile:

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I’m glad we can help! Please don’t hesitate to ask questions. Sure, I may be too busy to reply in such detail every time, but I do my best to keep an eye on what’s happening on the forum.

I mean that “Even without the vaccine, people still live longer than in the past” but I wrote this essay in 30 minutes. So, I missed somethings.

That happens! But that’s why practice is so important. Each time you practice, these mistakes are less likely to happen.

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Thank you very much @Sumejja I am still waiting for @Torsten 's estimated band score :slight_smile: I know you will say me again score is not important but I care of that :slight_smile:

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Hi Memo, I guess you might get band 5 to 6. However, you should really try to improve some of the basics. For example, we don’t say “say me” but “tell me”. Please complete this test: Say vs. Tell - English Test | english.best

And we don’t say “I care of that” but “It’s really important for me”.

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Thank you sir. I will work on it.

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