Writing Task 2- [education]Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot
Topic
Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions

My essay
It is true that an increasing number of school leavers take objections against studying. This phenomenon is attributed to a number of reasons and some measures could be taken to tackle this problem.

There are two main plausible explanations why many students dropping out of school strongly disapprove of schooling. The main reason is that studying at school would put incredible pressure on students, which could lead to mental breakdown and sleep deprivation. For example, according to a survey conducted by erudite experts in this field, Korea has reached the highest rate of high school students who commit suicide in 2018, at 5% due to many demanding assignments together with formal examinations at school. Moreover, many students fail to have many opportunities to learn many subjects which they have a deep passion for. This fact can be exemplified by Vietnamese educational program at high school. Particularly, one school term is comprised of many various scientific or technological and mathematical program, but have not existence of painting or art which cannot cater to the interest and inclination of all students.

Many appropriate solutions can be proposed by education authorities and the community to address this problem. Firstly, teachers should be encouraged to cut down a number of exercises and assignments, and tailor their traditional teaching style to today’s students by applying state-of-the-art devices such as computers and power point projectors. That could help students attain great satisfaction and pleasure. In addition, if there would be a significant decrease in the number of intense competitions and stiff examinations, students could spend more time doing extra-curricular activities or playing sports to reduce cholesterol and blood pressure. Another solution is that education authorities should divide youngsters into different groups of the same interest and desirability at secondary and high schools. In other word, students having the same keen interest in art and painting or physics could gather in the same class to get access to vast knowledge about this subjects.

In conclusion, causing high stress level together with not giving students opportunities to pursue their interested subjects are the underlying reasons why students who stop studying at school, express their disapproval of learning. Many effective methods such as cutting down homework and examinations, and holding up classes based on students’ aspirations should be applied to tackle this issues.

[Luschen]

Hi Th Bui, your essay seemed to effectively address the prompt. Your overall format made sense and was easy for me to follow. You have used some challenging vocabulary words, and for the most part used them correctly.
I was able to find a few areas to make suggestions, but overall, I think this is your best essay yet.

@Th_Bui

It is true that an increasing number of [high school dropouts] take objections against studying.{this sounds a bit odd} This phenomenon is attributed to a number of reasons and some measures could be taken to tackle this problem. {I think one more sentence to begin this intro would be good, telling why this subject is important - “In this modern, technologically oriented society, a good education is often critical to success. Unfortunately, there are an increasing number of high school dropouts who take …”}

There are two main plausible explanations why many students dropping out of school strongly disapprove of schooling. The main reason is that studying at school [tends to put] incredible pressure on students, which could lead to mental breakdown and sleep deprivation. For example, according to a survey conducted by erudite experts in this field, [in 2018,] Korea has reached the highest rate [ever] of high school students who commit suicide ~~in 2018~, at 5% due to many demanding assignments together with formal examinations at school. Moreover, many students fail to have [adequate] {to avoid many/many repetition} opportunities to learn many subjects [for] which they have a deep passion for. {some graders don’t like ending sentences with prepositions} This fact can be exemplified by [how the] Vietnamese educational [system treats] high school. Particularly, one school term is comprised of many various scientific or technological and mathematical [programs], but have not existence of painting or art [is completely nonexistent, a situation] which cannot cater to the interest and inclination of all students.

Many appropriate solutions can be proposed by education authorities and the community to address this problem. Firstly, teachers should be encouraged to cut down [the] number of exercises and assignments, and tailor their traditional teaching style to today’s students by applying {“by utilizing” sounds better here} state-of-the-art devices such as computers and power point projectors. That could help students attain great satisfaction and pleasure. {for some reason I just don’t associate school with pleasure } In addition, if there would be a significant decrease in the number of intense competitions and stiff examinations, students could spend more time doing extra-curricular activities or playing sports to reduce cholesterol and blood pressure. {I think “to reduce their stress or depression” is better here - students don’t really quit school because of high cholesterol! } Another solution is that education authorities should divide youngsters into different groups [having] the same interests and [desires] at secondary and high schools. In other [words], students [sharing] {because I used “having” in the previous sentence} the same keen interest in art and painting or physics could gather in the same class to get access to vast knowledge about [these] subjects.

In conclusion, [high schools] causing high stress level together with not giving students opportunities to pursue their interested subjects are the underlying reasons why students who stop studying at school, express their disapproval of learning. Many effective methods such as cutting down homework and examinations, and holding up classes based on students’ aspirations should be applied to tackle this issues.