Writing module: essay

[Girish_Jaiswal]

Topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family.

The rapid increase in ageing population in recent years has placed more importance on old age homes around the cities of Britain. There are many privately owned institutions, as well as government sponsored homes for this cause. In my personal view, these centers should be financially supported by the government.
Primarily majority of elders go in search of homes, mainly due to disputes within family, thereby leading to elders being left on their own without much financial assistance.
Here is where the government’s intervention to support these elders is required. These elders have once been taxpayers and they have been an integral part for the growth and development of the country. Hence they needed to be rewarded at a time when they most need it. Other reasons of financial challenges within family makes elders well being a secondary thought thereby, getting neglected.
In conclusion, older generation should be supported financially by the government. Every individual gets through this phase of life. If families are supportive and have time and affection to ensure welfare and security of old people within homes then money is just a catalyst. I believe we would see an improved society towards elders. However, if they stand abandoned then it’s on the government to ensure and offer help selflessly.

[Luschen]

Hi Girish, I didn’t think this essay was as well-developed as your other one. I think the body of your essay is too short, your intro and conclusion form the majority of the essay. I wish you had gone into more depth about the financial challenges of families and the fact that many elderly people don’t really have families that they can fall back on for help. You had a lot of repetition in this essay, especially “elders”,and a few sentences that were vague or unclear to me. Here are some specific comments:

@Girish_Jaiswal

The rapid increase in ageing population in recent years has placed more importance on old age homes around the cities of Britain. There are many privately owned institutions, as well as government sponsored homes for this cause. In my personal view, these centers should be financially supported by the government.
Primarily[, the] majority of elders go in search of homes, {“go in search of homes” sounds odd, like mobs of elderly people walking the countryside looking for homes } mainly due to disputes within [families], thereby leading to elders being left on their own without much financial assistance. {I don’t know if this is really true - the majority of old people have been left to fend for themselves because of family disputes?}
Here is where the government’s intervention to support these [senior citizens] {avoid repeating “elders” over and over, also try older people, retirees, pensioners, the elderly} is required. These elders have once been taxpayers and they have been an integral part [of] the growth and development of the country. Hence they [need] {I think “deserve to be” is more fitting here} to be rewarded at a time when they most need it. Other reasons[, including] financial challenges within [families] makes [elders’ well-being] a secondary thought[, thereby resulting in neglect].
In conclusion, [the] older generation should be supported financially by the government. Every individual [goes] through this phase of life. If families are supportive and have time and affection to ensure [the] welfare and security of old people within homes then money is just a catalyst. {this is unclear to me - a catalyst for what? And whose money? the families’ money or government money?} I believe we would see an improved society towards elders. However, if they stand abandoned then [it is] {avoid contractions in formal essays} on the government to ensure and offer help selflessly.

[Girish_Jaiswal]

Thanks Luschen. Request you to evaluate the same on a band of 10.

Regards
Girish Jaiswal

[Luschen]

This is for the IELTS test, right? I would rate it at about a band 6.

[Girish_Jaiswal]

Thanks for you time to read the essay and evaluate it. I have been busy at job therefore was unable to comment. Now I am more relaxed and would keep posting

Regards
Girish Jaiswal