[Writing IELTS Task 2] [Giving example]

[Tra_Thuu]

Hello everyone, I am confused about whether it is acceptable or not if I give an example, which really happened, in my essay, but examiners do not know about that example. Is that example still convincing or not?

In this essay, I have an example of my university and this story really happened. Please have a look and give me some feedback. Thank you so much.

Topic: Some people think that the government should decide the subject for students to study in university. Others believe that students should be allowed to apply for the subject they prefer. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is a concern in today’s society that whether the subjects, which are studied by university students, should be chosen by students or the government. This essay will discuss both of the aforementioned views and explain why I am of the opinion that subjects in the university should be applied by students.

On the one hand, the government’s decision on classes in the university, that would be attended by students, could be beneficial. By not allowing students to decide their subjects themselves, the government could reduce the number of students who choose unsuitable subjects, and as a result help students widen their knowledge of their future job. For example, while working as an accountant requires workers the perfect numeracy and the ability to analyse data accurately, there would be a waste of time if a student, whose major is accounting, decide to attend art classes. Consequently, choosing unrelated courses, which could not provide students with a sufficient amount of knowledge related to their major, could negatively affect their productivity at work as they could not finish their workload due to the lack of major-related knowledge.

On the other hand, I am convinced that allowing students to apply for the subjects they prefer would be more advantageous than forcing them to follow the government’s decision. As when students choose the courses by themselves, they might feel responsible for their choices, as a result, they could put lots of effort into studying these subjects and enhance their performance at school. An example of this argument is the National Economics University in Vietnam, this school started introducing a legislation which enabled students to decide which subjects they would attend in the next semester in 2009. After two years, the result turned out that the number of students, who got the A plus grade in the final exams, significantly increased when compared with the number of 2007.

To conclude, the government’s decision on subjects which would be studied by university students could be beneficial since there are more major-related lectures would be delivered to students. However, I am of the opinion that the advantage of allowing students to apply for the subjects they prefer would outweigh that of the government’s decision.

[Luschen]

Hi Tra Thuu, I think not only is a personal example acceptable, it is also advisable, since you will be familiar with it and can thus explain and tie it into your thesis that much more easily. Of course, the example has to be relevant to the topic, but here your example definitely is. One grammar point I wanted to stress is when to use commas to set off a phrase. If the phrase is necessary to the meaning of the sentence, do not use commas. Only use commas if the phrase gives extra information that is not critical. Here’s a short webpage that explains it better than I could: http://www.chompchomp.com/terms/essentialclause.htm Please let me know if that makes sense. For this type of prompt, I think it is better to present two objective paragraphs each addressing one viewpoint, and then introduce your specific opinion in a third subjective paragraph, which can be combine with the conclusion. Here are some other suggestions:

@Tra_Thuu

There is a concern in today’s society [about] whether the subjects[ that] {this phrase is necessary to the meaning of the sentence and so it is not set off by commas} are studied by university students should be chosen by [the] students [themselves] or the government. This essay will discuss both of the aforementioned views and explain why I am of the opinion that subjects in the university should be [selected] by students.

On the one hand, the government’s decision on classes in the university, that would be attended by students, could be beneficial. {this sentence has the same structure as the one in your introduction, and in both places, it sounds somewhat awkward. Better to say “… hand, it is beneficial in some ways for the government to decide which university classes a student must attend.”} By not allowing students to decide [on] their {or “to determine their …” } subjects themselves, the government could reduce the number of students who choose unsuitable {what would be “unsuitable” here? This sounds a bit vague, as well as likely to anger, say, some art history professors? } subjects, and as a result help students widen their knowledge [required for] their future job. For example, while working as an accountant requires workers [to acquire] perfect numeracy and the ability to analyse data accurately, [it] would be a waste of time if a student, whose major is accounting, {this phrase is critical to the meaning of the sentence, so should not be set off by commas} [decided] to attend art classes. Consequently, choosing unrelated courses, {maybe “courses unrelated to one’s field/major” is more clear} which [would] not provide students with a sufficient amount of knowledge [necessary for] {to avoid the repetition of “related”} their major, could negatively affect their productivity at work as they could not finish their workload due to the lack of major-related knowledge.

On the other hand, I am convinced that allowing students to apply for the subjects they prefer would be more advantageous than forcing them to follow the government’s decision. [This is due to the fact that when"] {or “This is because when”} when students choose [their] courses by themselves, they might feel {“they tend to feel” is stronger - “might” seems less convincing} responsible for their [choices. As] a result, they could put lots of effort into studying these subjects and enhance their performance at school. An example of this argument is the National Economics University in Vietnam, [which] [introduced] legislation {“legislation” has a connotation with government, only governments can legislate. So here maybe “introduced guidelines/rule/procedures”} [that] enabled students to decide which subjects they would attend in the next semester in 2009. After two years, the result turned out that the number of students, {no comma here since the following phrase is necessary for the meaning of the sentence} who got [a grade of A plus] in the final exams, {no comma} significantly increased when compared with the number [in] 2007.

To conclude, the government’s decision on subjects which would be studied by university students could be beneficial since there are more major-related lectures would be delivered to students. However, I am of the opinion that the [advantages] of allowing students to apply for the subjects they prefer would outweigh [those] of the [government making the] decision.

[Tra_Thuu]

Thank you so so so Luschen! Your advice is really helpful.