Writing essay - Work

ielts

#1

Hi leaders, please help me check this essay, thank you so much
As major cities in the world are growing today, so do their problems. What are problems for young people who are living in the cities as the result of continued growth? How problems might be solved?**

It is true that the steady growth of urban areas around the world brings certain issues to young people. However, I believe that the government and young individuals can take steps to mitigate these problems

As main towns and cities on Earth become flourishing, young individuals might confront several potential problems. Firstly, they are more likely to suffer from psychological stress or even deep depression owning to the workload. Perhaps the hectic social life in the city stimulates their desire to raise the social status to improve the quality of living in the future. This puts high pressure on them for a long term and causes psychological-related diseases as a result. Furthermore, they also shoulder the heavy financial burden as they live in the city due to low income. In fact, cities attract a large number of young workers to work, and this result in price acceleration there.

There are several actions that the government and young individuals can take to deal with these problems outlined above. The simple solution would be to participate in physical activities after working days. There is some evidence that doing exercise regularly help produce endorphins – chemicals that act as natural painkillers that help improve the ability to sleep, which in turn reduce stress. A second one is that the governments should offer loans at a low rate to support to graduates to maintain their lives in urban areas.

In conclusion, there are various measures can be utilized by the authorities and young people to tackle the problems that certainly arise as large cities today in the world are growing.


#2

Hi Nancy, I think you addressed this prompt well. You have included the two parts, both describing the problems and offering solutions. I also liked the fact that your solutions address the problems you raise.
Still, your solution paragraph seemed very short and undeveloped. Maybe you were running out of time?
It would have been better to have a few more sentences, especially for the loan solution, to explain exactly how they would be implemented and how they would solve the problem. Your writing is clear, though your explanations could have been a little more detailed and descriptive. Here are some additional suggestions: