Writing essay - Work

[thaodang119]

Hi leaders, please help me check this essay, thank you so much.

As major cities in the world are growing today, so do their problems. What are problems for young people who are living in the cities as the result of continued growth? How problems might be solved?

It is true that the steady growth of urban areas around the world brings certain issues to young people. However, I believe that the government and young individuals can take steps to mitigate these problems

As main towns and cities on Earth become flourishing, young individuals might confront several potential problems. Firstly, they are more likely to suffer from psychological stress or even deep depression owning to the workload. Perhaps the hectic social life in the city stimulates their desire to raise the social status to improve the quality of living in the future. This puts high pressure on them for a long term and causes psychological-related diseases as a result. Furthermore, they also shoulder the heavy financial burden as they live in the city due to low income. In fact, cities attract a large number of young workers to work, and this result in price acceleration there.

There are several actions that the government and young individuals can take to deal with these problems outlined above. The simple solution would be to participate in physical activities after working days. There is some evidence that doing exercise regularly help produce endorphins – chemicals that act as natural painkillers that help improve the ability to sleep, which in turn reduce stress. A second one is that the governments should offer loans at a low rate to support to graduates to maintain their lives in urban areas.

In conclusion, there are various measures can be utilized by the authorities and young people to tackle the problems that certainly arise as large cities today in the world are growing.

[Luschen]

Hi Nancy, I think you addressed this prompt well. You have included the two parts, both describing the problems and offering solutions. I also liked the fact that your solutions address the problems you raise.
Still, your solution paragraph seemed very short and undeveloped. Maybe you were running out of time?
It would have been better to have a few more sentences, especially for the loan solution, to explain exactly how they would be implemented and how they would solve the problem. Your writing is clear, though your explanations could have been a little more detailed and descriptive. Here are some additional suggestions:

@thaodang119

As major cities in the world are growing today, so do their problems. What are problems for young people who are living in the cities as the result of continued growth? How [might these] problems might be solved?**

It is true that the steady growth of urban areas around the world brings certain issues {“issues” alone is not really a good synonym for problems - maybe “troublesome issues” or “brings certain predicaments”} to young people. However, I believe that the government and young individuals can take steps to mitigate these problems

As main {“main” sounds odd - maybe “leading” or “principal” } towns and cities on Earth [flourish] become flourishing, [their young residents] might confront several potential problems. Firstly, they are more likely to suffer from psychological stress or even deep depression owning to the [intense] workload [common in metropolitan areas].{make sure to tie this to the main point, that this is caused by city life} Perhaps the hectic social life in the city stimulates their desire to raise [their] social status to improve the quality of [life] in the future. This puts high pressure on them [over the] long term {or “for an extended period of time”} and causes psychological-related diseases as a result. {this is a good idea, but it seems like you could have explained it a little more clearly. The point is that being so close to successful career people who they would see on the street or in stores influences young city-dwellers to emulate this extravagant lifestyle, causing them work harder and make sacrifices in their personal lifes to afford these luxuries.} Furthermore, they also shoulder the heavy financial burden as they live in the city due to low income. {this is not as convincing, because most young people move to the city to get good jobs that pay more than ones in small villages or rural areas. I think the bigger problem is the higher cost of living. Young people who move to urban areas think they will be doing well with their higher salaries, but the huge cost of apartment rents due to the great demand ensures that their paychecks will not go very far.} In fact, cities attract a large number of young workers to work, and this result in price acceleration {“inflation” is better here} there. {ok, you and I think alike But still, you could have explained this a little better, or at least provided a more specific example}

There are several actions that the government and young [citizens] can take to deal with these problems outlined above. The simple solution would be to participate in physical activities after [work] days. There is some evidence that doing exercise regularly [helps] produce endorphins – chemicals that act as natural painkillers that help improve the ability to sleep, which in turn [reduces] {here I think the subject of reduces is the singular sleep} stress. A second [remedy] is that the governments should offer loans at a low rate to support to graduates to maintain their lives in urban areas.

In conclusion, there are various measures [that] can be utilized by the authorities and young people to tackle the problems that certainly arise as large cities today in the world are growing.

[Torsten]

As the world’s big cities grow, so do their problems. What problems do young people living in cities face as a result of this continued growth? How could the problems be solved?

It is true that the steady growth of urban areas around the world is causing certain problems for young people. However, I believe that the government and young people can take action to mitigate these problems

As major cities around the world flourish, young people may face several potential problems. First, they are more likely to suffer from psychological stress or even depression due to heavy workloads. Perhaps the hectic social life in the city arouses their desire to increase social status in order to improve the quality of life in the future. This puts them under high pressure in the long run and leads to mental illness as a result. In addition, they bear a heavy financial burden due to their low income living in the city. Indeed, cities attract a large number of young workers who want to work there, which leads to an increase in prices.

There are several measures that the government and young people can take to solve the above problems. The simplest solution would be to participate in physical activities after work days. There is evidence that regular exercise helps produce endorphins - chemicals that act as natural painkillers and improve sleep, which in turn reduces stress. A second possibility is that governments should offer graduates loans at a low interest rate to help them live their lives in urban areas.

In summary, there are several measures that can be used by the authorities and young people to solve the problems created by the growth of today’s big cities in the world.