Writing essay: Technology

[thaodang119]

Hi leaders, please help me check this essay, thank you so much.

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Owing to the prevalence of communication devices such as smartphone, tablets or other mobile tools, there are several suggestions that the disadvantages of this development can eclipsed its advantages. Personally, I agree with this point of view.

On the one hand, I understand why people tend to think that such advancement will impact negatively on users. It is true that over-reliance on smartphones or tablets might make users more addicted and vulnerable to the real world. Due to the lack of face to face interaction, people are more likely to become social isolated and even lead to the depression. Moreover, physical health problems including backache, eyesight degradation, and obesity can be ascribed to the excessive use of those device owing to the habit of spending hours on social network platforms. Consequently, the working productivity will be reduced considerably.

On the one hand, I believe that the merits of this advancement can overshadow its demerits, Firstly, smartphones and tablets are seen as the fastest and the most convenient means of communication. Compared to the situation in the past in which the communication was restricted by geographic adversities, modern users can conveniently keep in touch with people from all corners in the world. Consequently, as the distance is no longer the matter of concern, the social circle can be expanded more easily. Secondly, by means of the explosion in modern communication tools, users can save a great deal of money for making contact. Video conferences, for example, enable business transaction to be performed without having to pay money for business trips.

In conclusion, although the cutting-edge communication devices bring certain disadvantages to people’s psychological and physical health will be affected negatively due to the heavy dependence upon such tools, it seems to me that they will make our life more convenient.

[Luschen]

Hi Nancy, I thought your writing was fairly clear in this essay, but overall, it was not as convincing as it might have been. To me the disadvantages seem just as powerful as the advantages. I think to make a good case, you need to better show why you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. It is better if you give some explanation as to why the disadvantages are not very important or not relevant or how they can easily be reduced. Here are some additional suggestions:

@thaodang119

Owing to the prevalence of communication devices such as [smartphones], tablets or other mobile tools, there are several suggestions that the disadvantages of this development can [be] eclipsed [by] its advantages. {usually we say good things are eclipsed by bad things} {this whole sentence is pretty weak - where are these suggestions coming from? Why would the prevalence alone lead to suggestions of their disadvantages? On the whole, this sentence just sounds very vague} Personally, I [strongly] agree with this point of view. {which point of view is the one you agree with? It is better to clearly state your belief in the thesis statement - really your thesis statement should be able to stand alone as a summary of your essay} {if the prompt asks “to what extent”, you must give an extent word, like strongly/partially/somewhat/completely agree}

On the one hand, I understand why people tend to think that such [advancements] will [negatively] impact negatively on users. It is true that over-reliance on smartphones or tablets might make users more addicted and vulnerable to the real world. {“vulnerable to the real world” sounds odd - maybe “vulnerable to real world dangers”, but this would still be vague} Due to the lack of face to face interaction, people [who are constantly on their devices] are more likely to become [socially] isolated and [this may] even lead to the depression. Moreover, physical health problems including [backaches], eyesight degradation, and obesity can be ascribed to the excessive use of those [devices] owing to the habit of spending hours [sedentary] on social network platforms. Consequently, [their] working productivity [at work or school] will be reduced considerably.

On the [other] hand, I believe that the merits of this advancement can overshadow its demerits, {“demerits” sounds a bit odd} Firstly, smartphones and tablets are seen as the fastest and the most convenient means of communication. Compared to the situation in the past[,] in which the communication was restricted by geographic adversities, {once again, this phrase sounds a bit unclear in this context - maybe “geographic isolation”} modern users can conveniently keep in touch with people from all corners in the world. Consequently, as the distance is no longer [a] matter of concern, [one’s] social [circles] can be expanded more easily. Secondly, by means of the explosion in modern communication tools, users can save a great deal of money [in] making contact. Video conferences, for example, enable business [transactions] to be performed without having to pay money for business trips.

In conclusion, although the cutting-edge communication devices bring certain disadvantages to people’s [psychological well-being] and [their] physical health will be affected negatively due to the heavy dependence upon such tools, it seems to me that they will make our life more convenient.

[Shanthisethuraman]

My opinion is to the above subject you mentioned in the Essay advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones, smart phones and so on. we should see the advantages,since it helps us so many ways, without that, we cannot do our work, so we should make use of the devices for important usages we should see it should not affect us.