Thank you Luschen for always correcting my essay. This is another essay which needs for your help.
Write an English essay of NO MORE THAN 250 words on the following topic: What Makes a Good Leader? Divide your essay into two paragraphs. In the first paragraph, specify what you think are required of a good leader; in the second, provide an example to support your arguments.
Good leaders need to have many particular characteristics. Some of these are obvious, such as that they care about what you are doing and always put you before themselves. Also, another trait of a good leader is that they always keep promises they make. Some of the subtle attributes of a good leader are that they do not hide behind bad news. Moreover, they are easy people to talk to.
For example, my boss, James is a good leader. He is always concerned about our working situations and asks us not to work overtime. Everything he promises will be done, such as pay raises, bonuses and promotions. If we meet the target he asks, he gives those to encourage us. We all trust him and are happy to work for him. He never avoids problems but tries to solve them. Furthermore, he is an easygoing person. He gets along with everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get angry. He’s so laid-back that we like to tell him everything, not only things on work but also personal worries. I think he can know us more through talking with us and put us to the right place. This is an ability which good leaders need to have.
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Hi, your essay followed the prompt’s instructions well. I think your boss was a good choice to use as an example. I think you could have done a better job of tying the specifics of the example to each point you mentioned in the first paragraph. I can recognize a few of the traits, like keeping their promises, but the order of the example doesn’t seem to follow the order of the traits in the first paragraph. Plus, you added a couple that don’t exactly correlate, like putting his employees back on track, and I don’t think you gave an example of not hiding behind bad news. Your writing is very clear, but you might want to add a few idioms and change a few words and phrases to make your writing sound more natural. Here are some suggestions:
Good leaders need to have many particular characteristics. Some of these are obvious, such as that they care about what you [caring about what others] are doing {this still sounds a little vague] and always [putting others] before themselves. Also, another {I don’t think you need both “also” and “another” together - maybe “An additional trait …”} trait of a good leader is that they always keep promises they make. Some of the subtle attributes {you started with “some”, but only listed one attribute - maybe “One subtle attribute of …”} of a good leader are that they do not hide behind bad news. Moreover, they are easy people to talk to.
For example, my boss,{no comma here} James is a good leader. He is always concerned about our working situations and asks us not to work overtime. Everything he promises will be done, {maybe “… he promises, he follows through with, such …”} such as [giving] raises, bonuses and promotions. If we meet the target he asks {“he sets” might be better}, he gives {if you used “gives” earlier, you can say “provides” here to avoid repettion} those to encourage us. We all trust him and are happy to work for him. He never avoids problems but tries to solve them. Furthermore, he is an easygoing person. He gets along with everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him get angry. He’s so laid-back that we like to tell [feel comfortable telling] him everything, not only things [about] work but also personal worries. I think he can [understand] us more {or “know us better”} through talking with us and [puts us back on track] us to the right place. This is an ability which good leaders need to have.
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