Would you rather to be self-employed, work for someone else or own a business?

[Qhuong90]

my another essay.

Would you rather to be self-employed, work for someone else or own a business?

Owing a business or working for someone else has its own advantages and choosing one of them mostly depends on one’s personality traits. People who devote to working for someone else tend to lead a simple life with discipline and without much risk. For me, I dream to have my own business which can bring me a colorful life filled with challenges as well as help me not to be regulated by an employer.

First, life is an exciting journey of self discovery and experiments. I try to find my power by challenging myself to own a business. This challenge could lead to great success including a lot of money, a great sense of achievement. However, it could result in disaster such as bankrupting. But I’m willing to take a risk. I have dreamt to have my own bakery when I was in university. I took a course at bakery school beside my lessons at university and practiced to make cakes at home. Now I’m confident to open an online bakery with some popular type of cake such as choux, cupcake, mousse, blackforest cake. Although it is just my part time job, I’m happy that my dream step to step become true.

Second, the advantage of owning a business is I’m not regulated by an boss. I can do the thing according to my interest and willing. The more eagerly I do the work, the more efficiently the work is done. In the other hand, people who work for someone have to do required tasks under an employer direction and sometime have no time for their hobbies.

Third, being self employment can provides me an opportunity to learn more knowledge and teach me how to face the success and the difficulties correctly. I can encourage me when I succeed and stand up after failing. I will be grow up and live independently.

In conclusion, owning a business is not a better way to earn money easily or make one become successful than working for someone. It depends on people’s characteristics, different people have different traits. For me, I prefer to run my own business because it makes me to live to the fullest every day.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?

[Luschen]

Hi Qhuong, I really liked this one. Your writing in this one seems very clear and natural. Your ideas are clear and your personal and detailed examples were very convincing, apart from your third body paragraph, which was a little lacking. I would like to rate this one a 4, but you might have a few too many mistakes in usage and grammar.

@Qhuong90

my another essay.

Would you rather to be self-employed, work for someone else or own a business?

[Own]ing a business or working for someone else [each] has its own advantages and choosing one of them mostly depends on one’s personality traits. People who devote [their careers] to working for someone else tend to lead a simple life with discipline and without much risk. For me, I dream to have my own business[,] which can bring me a colorful life filled with challenges as well as help me not to be regulated by an employer.

First, life is an exciting journey of self discovery and experiments[, so I try to find my power {“find my power” is a bit odd and vague} by challenging myself to own a business. {try to tie your topic sentences closer to the prompt - explicitly state that this is one reason why you would like to own your own business. You did this in your second sentence, so I just combined them}This challenge could lead to great success including [making] a lot of money, [and feeling] a great sense of achievement. However, it could result in disaster such as bankrupt[cy]. But I’m {avoid using contractions} willing to take a risk. I have dreamt to have [of having] my own bakery when [since] {or “i dreamt of having … when I was …”} I was in university. I took a course at bakery school beside [in addition to] {this seems more clear} my lessons at university and practiced to mak[ing] cakes at home. Now I’m confident [enough] to open an online bakery with some popular type[s ] of cake such as choux, cupcake[s ], mousse, [and] blackforest cake[s ]. Although it is just my part time job, I’m happy that my dream [is step by step becoming] step to step become true.

Second, the advantage of owning a business is I’m not regulated by an boss. I can do the thing {avoid using “thing” - it usually means you were not able to come up with a more specific word - here you could say “tasks” or “I can make decisions”} according to my interest and willing[ness]. The more eagerly I do the work, the more efficiently the work is done. In the other hand, people who work for someone have to do [their] required tasks under an employer['s] direction and sometime[s ] have no time for their hobbies.

Third, being self employ[ed] can provides me an opportunity to learn more knowledge and teach me how to face the success and the difficulties correctly. I can encourage m[yself] when I succeed and stand up after failing. I will be grow[n ] up and live independently. {this paragraph was not that convincing to me - why is it easier to have a positive attitude when you work for yourself?}

In conclusion, owning a business is not [necessarily] a better way to earn money easily or make one[self] become successful than working for someone. It depends on people’s characteristics[;] different people have different traits. For me, I prefer to run my own business because it makes me to live to the fullest every day.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?

[Qhuong90]

Thank for checking my essay.
I rewrite the third body paragraph. Is it more clear?

Third, being self employment can provides me an opportunity to learn more knowledge and teach me how to face the success and the difficulties correctly because I have to take care of many tasks at one time such as license to run a business, renting an office, promoting brand, competing my rival. Opposite to working for someone else that people aren’t fully involved in their company’s issue, being self employed means I have to confront with difficulties, stand up after failing and encourage myself when succeed. As a result of this, I will be grown up and live independently.

[Luschen]

@Qhuong90

Thank for checking my essay.
I rewrite the third body paragraph. Is it more clear?

Third, being self employ[ed ] can provides me an opportunity to learn more knowledge and teach me how to face the success[es] and the difficulties correctly because I have to take care of many tasks at one time such as [obtaining] license to run a business, renting an office, promoting [my] brand, [and] competing [against] my rival[s ]. Opposite[As opposed] to working for someone else[, where] that people aren’t fully involved in their company’s issue[s ], being self[-]employed means I have to confront with difficulties, stand up after failing and encourage myself when [I do not] succeed. As a result of this, I will be grown up{“I will be fully mature” seems better, since an adult is “grown-up” regardless} and live independently.

I thought this was a big improvement - including specifics like this is always a good idea.