Hi Luschen, could you check my IELTS essay Task 2? Thank you very much.
Topic: Which one of competitiveness and collaboration is more important to children? Give your opinion
People have different views about whether children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. While I tends towards the viewpoint that they should be encouraged to become more competitive, I have to support the idea that collaboration is more important.
On the one hand, individuals should be encouraged to engage in competitive behavior. Firstly, people become more competent to get a good job with high salary and social status. Competitive environment or educational system promotes (urges) children to try their best to achieve the highest possible standard of work, hence, produce the best quality goods and services. Children also have to learn to be more skillful and intellectual to be successful. Another reason is that competiveness can help individuals to be more mature. In fact, the real world is very competitive. Therefore, by exposing children into highly competitive world, they may experience ups and downs, learn from their mistakes and have good preparation for their future.
On the other hand, it is true that children should learn how to cooperate with others. Firstly, it is difficult to deal with troubles alone. Teams are better at solving problems compared to individual because teamwork is done by the combination of more than one brain. The fact is that few breakthroughs nowadays happen as a result of one person’s work. Secondly, learning to cooperate and work in a team may help children to become more responsible, closeness and friendly. Finally, cooperative people tend to be well adapted to new environments with strangers and they can expand their social network, which could be beneficial to future career because the society is a huge family not a flat form of a single person.
In conclusion, while there are many convincing arguments in favour of competitiveness, I would argue that collaboration is more important for children’s development.
Hi, another great essay. It is wonderful that you are generally well past getting the basics correct and now we can discuss going from very good to excellent. I had some suggestions for your first body paragraph, but your second one seemed stronger, apart from a few minor errors.