Well did you ever!

Alan · August 11, 2008, 9:24am

Hi,

I got sent this by a Scottish friend of mine

Subject: A message from the Queen – About Bloody Time!

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle -Winston Churchill

A message from the Queen

** Important, please read thoroughly! **

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary)

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Mcrosoft know on your behalf. The Mcrosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

July 4th. will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

Stew.t · August 11, 2008, 10:15am

Hi Alan

I saw something similiar to this sometime ago, and at that point it was said to have been a letter from John Cleese to Mr Bush.
Me wonders who really wrote this ; )

Yankee · August 11, 2008, 1:02pm

Yes, we talked about the same “letter” in this thread, starting on page 5:
english-test.net/forum/ftopi … html#77923
As I recall, daemon99 never actually posted the whole thing in the forum, though.
I do remember that we established that John Cleese did not write the letter. I suspect, however, that it was indeed written by a Brit. :lol:

I seem to recall that there was also once another “letter from the Queen” (or something similarly official) posted in the forum about spelling reform. That was pretty funny, too.
.

EDIT:
I’ve now found the “spelling reform” threads. Apparently that “letter” has been posted twice:
english-test.net/forum/ftopi … html#42670
english-test.net/forum/ftopic2960.html#14641
.

Barb_D · August 11, 2008, 2:50pm

Snopes, or Scopes, or whatever that mythbusting site is, has the original of this. It was certainly not John Cleese, and that site does list the original author - but I can’t recall it now. There’s a rebuttal too, but to be honest, it’s not as funny as the original.

Yankee · August 11, 2008, 3:43pm

Here is a link to the Snopes site, where they provide some of the history of this letter:
snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
.

Stew.t · August 12, 2008, 3:04am

hi guys

thks for keeping me informed.

Maybe one to the Queen asking when she will sell the royals to Disneyland might be an idea :shock:

cheers stew.t.