We must use the Internet as an opportunity in our modern life

[Rashal_Kumar]

Subject: We must use the Internet as an opportunity in our modern life

Different people will have different responses to this question from their own characters, emotional concerns, and even educational backgrounds. Therefore, at first glance, it seems difficult to draw a quick conclusion about whether or not Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information or creates problem. However, after enough reflection and pondering, we can see it has a lot of benefits to access the abundant information on the internet. There are several reasons for my propensity to this issue as rendered herein, and among these countless factors, two conspicuous reasons are contacting with the world and learning useful lesion on the internet.
First and foremost, in this modern world it is important to contact with anyone you want easily and cheaply. So, by using the Internet, anyone can readily contact with people even who lives on other continent easily and cheaply. That is one of several good reasons why I believe it is important to support the Internet as useful and valuable information. Some people, however, have a negative view of internet. They think that this information is against the freedom. So, they think that it must be omitted in all over the world. In my experience, it is not necessarily true. I believe that nowadays we do not any struggle to saving our privacy on the internet. I think that contacting the world is one thing, but losing the private information is horse of a different color. If you want to have a freedom, internet can provide this by lots of strategies like using special code in sending the information like the work that be down now by Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail, or some companies like that. In addition, according the research that was conducted in one the most reputable universities in my country, 90 percent of the people who they use the Internet are so happy and they do not have any struggle (Journal of Technisia China, Chines University of Science and Technology, 2010).
On the other hand, some people may argue that people have more conflict with each other because of the Internet. They believe that because people do not know each other on the Internet they maybe irritate others easily; they may say that Internet is for the birds. In part, however, these people’s belief is based on a misconception. Dr. Hiung Haung Loung, the director of the Chines Social Sciences Institute, states that not only people do not confront with any struggle, but also they can learn from each other on the internet (Journal of Central South University, China, 2012). I agree with Dr. Haung Loung; I think that in nowadays’ modern world we must learn with each other without spending any money. So, Internet can provide this safe place to learn anything even from other person in the other continent, or even with a man on the space station. Therefore, we must take the bull by the horns and decide to use the Internet as a possible and valuable data.
All in all, if all the aforementioned factors are contemplated, one can readily reach the conclusion that the advantages of using the Internet far outweigh its disadvantages. Therefore, not only do I believe that we must use the Internet as valuable information, but also I consider it as an opportunity for any person to contact with the world and learn easily.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?

[Beeesneees]

TITLE EDITED.
Please help everyone to make the most of this forum and its resources by giving your threads meaningful and relevant subject lines.

[Rashal_Kumar]

Dear my friend:
I changed the title of my essay as you said. Please evaluate my essay, if it is possible for you.
I will be hopeful, if other natives help me in this process. I have registered for TOEFL iBT, but I am not sure about my writing skill.
Thank you again.

[Luschen]

Hi Rashal, welcome to the forum. I thought your writing was pretty good. If you could give the prompt exactly as it appears, it would help me make sure you have the right format for your essay. As it stands, I think your structure is effective. Your introduction sounds a bit rote and pretentious and doesn’t really fit this topic that well. Your topic sentence talks about using the internet as a source of information, but your essay does not really cover that subject and focuses only on using the internet to communicate. You seem to confuse freedom and privacy - your whole privacy section was a little confusing to me. I am glad you tried to use some English idioms, but they did not always fit in quite right in your writing - they can be tricky. Your grammar is pretty good, but you do have a lot of awkward phrases and some mistakes in your usage. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

@Rashal_Kumar

Subject: We must use the Internet as an opportunity in our modern life

Different people will have different responses to this question from their own characters, emotional concerns, and even educational backgrounds. {don’t refer to the question - it is better for the essay to stand on its own without the reader having to refer to the prompt} Therefore, at first glance, it seems difficult to draw a quick conclusion about whether or not Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information or creates problem[s ]. {this sounds like you are using some kind of template, but it doesn’t really fit this topic very well} However, after enough reflection and pondering, we can see it has [there are] a lot of benefits to access[ing] the abundant information on the internet. There are several reasons for my propensity to this issue as rendered herein,{this phrase sounds very stilted} and among these countless factors, two conspicuous reasons are contacting with the world and learning useful lesion[lessons] on the internet.
First and foremost, in this modern world it is important to [initiate] contact with anyone you want easily and cheaply. So, by using the Internet, anyone can readily contact with people[,] even [those] who lives on other continent[s,] easily and cheaply. That is one of several good reasons why I believe it is important to support the Internet as [a source of] useful and valuable information.{but the information on the internet is different than using it as a communication device} Some people, however, have a negative view of [the] internet. They think that this information is against the freedom.{this sentence is confusing} So, they think that it must be omitted in {“omitted” is wrong - maybe eliminated or restricted} all over the world. In my experience, it is not necessarily true. {this is a bit ambiguous - are you saying people don’t have this belief or that the belief is not true?} I believe that nowadays we do not [have to] any struggle to sav[e ] our privacy on the internet. I think that contacting the world is one thing, but losing the private information is [a ]horse of a different color. {this sentence is odd and confusing} If you want to have a freedom, [the] internet can provide this by {“through” is better here} lots of strategies like using special code in sending the information like the work that [is being done] be down now by Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail, or some companies like that. In addition, according the research that was conducted in one the most reputable universities in my country, 90 percent of the people who they use the Internet are so happy and they do not have any struggle (Journal of Technisia China, Chines University of Science and Technology, 2010). {this last phrase sounds a little vague and odd}
On the other hand, some people may argue that people have more conflict with each other because of the Internet. They believe that because people do not [personally] know each other on the Internet they maybe irritate others easily; they may say that [the] Internet is for the birds. {this expression sounds a bit to informal and unnatural here} In part, however, these people’s belief is based on a misconception. Dr. Hiung Haung Loung, the director of the Chines[e ] Social Sciences Institute, states that not only [do] people do not confront with any struggle,{this phrase is unclear to me here - what do you mean} but also they can learn from each other on the internet (Journal of Central South University, China, 2012). I agree with Dr. Haung Loung; I think that in nowadays’ modern world we must learn with each other without spending {“without having to spend any” seems better here} any money. So, [the] Internet can provide this safe place to learn anything[,] even from [an]other person in the [an]other continent, or even with a man on the space station. Therefore, we must take the bull by the horns and decide to use the Internet as a possible [source of] and valuable data.
All in all, if all the aforementioned factors are contemplated, one can readily reach the conclusion that the advantages of using the Internet far outweigh its disadvantages. Therefore, not only do I believe that we must use the Internet as [a] valuable [source of] information, but also I consider it as an opportunity for any person to contact with the world and learn easily.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?

[Rashal_Kumar]

Dear Luschen:
Thank you for your useful comments. The correct format of the question is this:
“Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to so
much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?”
I learn form your comment that I must not use some of idioms that you mentioned. I have a question with you; Was my essay supported by enough reasons and examples or not?
If it is possible for you, please read my second essay that I have written in this forum.
Thank you again about your best comments.

[Luschen]

Hi, the prompt focuses on “valuable information”, so you should probably address your essay to that specifically instead of putting so much emphasis on communication via internet. Idioms are fine, it is just that they need to be used in the correct context and some of them may sound a little “folksy”, informal or old-fashioned. Your examples are ok - I am fine with using made-up research or articles (I assume your “sources” are imaginary), but try to make them as realistic as possible - saying “no one has any conflicts on the Internet” is patently false - maybe a study saying a majority of people think that the potential conflicts from internet communication are far outweighed by the ease of communication and the widening of social networks. I always like personal, detailed examples, so if there is any way to tie a subject back to your experiences (or your imaginary Uncle Bob’s experiences ) I would recommend doing that.