Can someone please score my essay and point out my errors. Thanks in advance.
Q:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
The issue of whether teachers should be paid based on how much their students learn has been a debatable topic for many years. In my opinion, teachers should not be paid according to how much their pupils learn. I will try to demonstrate my point in the following paragraphs.
For starters, each student has his own pace. Some students may understand a new topic in one class while others may need more assistance. My classmate, Sarah is deaf and she has trouble understanding lectures whereas I understand everything in class. Does that mean that my teacher should be paid more because I learn more or less because Sarah gains inadequate knowledge? No, it is not possible and hence it is not justifiable for teachers to be paid according to the knowledge gained by their pupils.
Furthermore, it is difficult to quantify knowledge and equally grueling to quantify how much a student learns from a teacher. Some students are curious, they have a thirst for knowledge and they try to quench it by taking myriad classes or doing more research. While teachers do impart knowledge to their pupils, some pupils are bright and may strive to work harder with teachers. I have a friend who loves mathematics. He took extra classes with our mathematics teacher and decided to compete in the Mathematics Olympiad. For that he had to learn new equations and topics and he got full backup from his teacher. Just because his teacher helped him learn more, it does not mean that a teacher should get more money. This is an altruistic act and should not be changed into selfishness by introducing money.
Finally, we should think about ethical principles. What if you are a teacher? Would you charge more/less if your student learnt more/less? A students’ financial condition should also be considered. If a student came from an underprivileged family, it would not be fair to charge him more just because he learnt more from you. His family might make ends meet and work hard to give him an education, hence as a teacher it would be morally wrong to take advantage from your pupil.
To sum it up, teachers should not be paid based on what their students learn because it is unethical, difficult to implement as each student has his own pace of learning and because knowledge is infinite.
Hi Anaam, welcome to the forum. Let me start by saying that your English is very good.
You have a broad vocabulary with very few misused words, and your grammar only has a few minor errors. I also like the fact that you included personal and specific details in your body paragraphs.
That said, I didn’t think your content was quite up to par in this essay and your format of your introduction and conclusion could be improved. Your introduction was a little bit jarring to me, as you jumped right into the debate. I find for the TOEFL that a format like this is a little better:
State that the topic is important
Explain why it’s important
Restate the question
Present your answer in the form of a thesis statement, which can include a summary of your reasons.
In your introduction, you started with step 3, but if you include the first two steps it gradually draws your reader into the essay, provides better development, and also increases your word count, which can’t hurt! So for this essay something like,
“The method and and amount of teachers’ remuneration is very important. Teachers have great responsibility in instructing the young generation, who will be the workers and leaders of the future, so great care should be taken in setting their salaries. Recently, pundits have proposed that teachers’ pay be tied to the academic results of their students. However, I strongly disagree with this viewpoint, because of X, Y, and Z.”
And then your conclusion is a little short. If you can generate a three sentence conclusion, it will help your score. An easy way to do this is
Restate the thesis
Give a summary of your reasons
GIve a call to action
In your conclusion, you sort of combined one and two into one sentence. But the problem is your summary was not accurate. You say “knowledge is infinite”, but you never really used that as a reason in the body of your essay.
As far as your body goes, your first paragraph was the strongest. Your second body paragraph seemed very unorganized. You began with a topic sentence about the difficulty of measuring student learning. This is a good point; I expected to hear about the problems with standardized tests and measuring knowledge or IQ. But instead you switched to talking about students who are self motivated and learn on their own apart from a teacher. This is a good topic to explore too, but it needs to match your topic sentence. But then you veer from this line of argument by talking about teachers who help students in extra-curricular activities and that teachers should teach for the love of teaching, not for money. So this paragraph is all over the place. You really need to stick to one reason per paragraph and make sure it is fully developed and on topic. Your last body paragraph was not convincing at all. The prompt is not implying that students should pay based on what they learn. Make sure to stick to what the prompt is saying and don’t make unreasonable assumptions. I don’t want to discourage you, your writing is excellent and you shouldn’t have much trouble improving your format to get a great score.
Here are some additional comments:
I know I was supposed to rewrite the last two paragraphs. You’ll find that below along with a rewrite of the second paragraph. I hope I’m not bothering you. You were right, the second reason was unorganized.
Here’s the rewrite:
Furthermore, there are some teachers who teach for the love of knowledge, not for money. In their spare time they teach their neighbor’s children or perhaps they help an old pupil with his university courses. I have a friend who loves mathematics. He took extra classes with our mathematics teacher and decided to compete in the Mathematics Olympiad. For that he had to learn new equations and topics and he got full backup from his teacher. Just because his teacher helped him learn more, it does not mean that a teacher should get more money. This is an altruistic act and should not be changed into selfishness by introducing money.
Finally, it is difficult to quantify knowledge and equally grueling to understand how much a student has learnt from a teacher. For instance, certain students do better in the ACT rather than the SAT, despite taking the same classes. Does that mean that an ACT teacher should be paid more and an SAT teacher should be paid less? Saying yes, would seem illogical. These tests vary in test patterns. Perhaps students perform better in certain tests because they find the pattern easier or they have a good strategy. Hence, it is difficult to monetize how much students have learnt from their educators.
To sum it up, there is no ideal answer for this debate. However, I feel my stance is justifiable based on the reasons that it is difficult to implement as each student has his own speed of learning, quantifying the amount of knowledge learnt would make teaching a selfish act and because it is difficult to understand how much a student has learnt. <I couldn’t think of a call of action!>
Thank you so much. I shall definitely follow your suggestions. If you have time can you read my other TOEFL essay. I would be really thankful.
I also want an advice from you. I’ve been practicing integrated essays for a while. They seem easy but it would be good if someone had a look. Would you mind proofreading one of my integrated essays and letting me know if it’s worth a 5/5?