TOEFL WRITING PRACTICE--Both parents should have an equal responsibility in child rearing.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

toefl

#1

【Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Both parents should have an equal responsibility in child rearing.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.】

I agree that both parents should have the same responsibility in child rearing because of the following three reasons.
First of all, life is not easy, but child can’s choose whether he or she will be born or not, so parents should take the responsibility. In other words, child is the consequence for two persons’ love and choice, parents should take the same responsibility for rearing child.
Second, rearing a child need a lot of energy and money. Child can get better care and environment to grow up if both parents take an equal responsibility. For example, if a mother need to earn the whole life expense by herself and also need to hire a nanny to take care of her child. This means the Mother would have less time to be with her child, because she need work and she was too tired to be with her child after work. However, if both parents taking a equal effort on rearing child, they can cooperate to raising a child. For instance, both parents can have their work, then they have more money to hire a nanny to watch their child without too much burden on finance, and they can take care of child after work in turn, so they are more happy to be with their child, this would have better influence on child.
Third, the child who is reared by two parents can have more model to follow, this is good for the child to think what the better ways is when he meet some difficulties. Specifically, when the child have problem on how to choose their future study, if only one parent take responsibility for the child, the child might just get a opinion, but if he or she can get suggestion from both parents, he or she has more options and more thinking way.Therefore, he or she can make more proper decision.
Above all, child is the result of both parents’ decision, both parents involve well in rearing child can give child better support and child can have more wide thinking if both parents take an equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.


#2

Hi Kate, your essay was extremely clear, but I think its structure was too simple, with the first, second, third. Also you had some extremely long sentences that went on and on. Some of them were also run-on sentences, so be sure to split them up. Your introduction was too short, as it only has a thesis statement. It is best to begin an introduction for this type of prompt by stating why the topic is important - maybe say it is one of the most important things parents will do in their lives, or that how a child is raised can have a huge effect on the rest of that person’s life. Then introduced the conflict or debate - who should raise the child? And then in the third sentence give your opinion as the thesis. I don’t really like “for the following reasons”, it’s better to give a very short summary of the reasons you will discuss. Please see my comments on your body paragraphs below:


#3

Thank you so much for suggestions and patients.
My modification shows as below, how do you think if I change it like this?
I appreciate you a lot!


Before, the duty in a family mostly is that Father has work to earn money and Mother stay home to rear children. However, nowadays, it gets more popular that both parents have their own job and take care of children together. The concept changes, and it occurs a huge argument, some think that the old way is better because the child can have whole day protection and good body education in detailed thing from Mother;some prefer the new thinking because children can learn more from both parents. For me, I agree that both parents should commit the same responsibility in child rearing.

To begin, children can learn more advantage for both parents. For example, my Father was a math teacher and my Mom taught Chinese. When my Dad played with me, he liked to play math game like calculate cars in parking lot. Otherwise, my Mom liked to play games which promote my speaking skills. Therefore, I have learned different skills from my childhood already.

Then, the child who is reared by two parents can share his problems with more persons. This is good for the child to think about what the better ways are when he meets some difficulties. Specifically, when the child needs to choose his or her future study, if only one parent takes responsibility for the child, the child might just get one opinion, but if he or she can get suggestions from both parents, he or she has more options and more ways of thinking. Consequently, he or she can make a more proper decision.

Besides, the child can get more mental and physical support by rearing from both parents. For instance, when a child needs someone’s company, there will be two persons can arrange a time to be with the child if both parents raise the child together. This is very important to a child’ life.

To sum up, since a child can learn more, share himself or herself with more persons and get more mental and physical support if both parents take equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.


#4

Hi Kate, I think you might have gone too far the other way! I like your introduction, but now I think it is too long, because by spending so much time with a long introduction, you might run out of time when writing your body paragraphs.
Usually three or four sentences for the introduction are enough. I do like your content better in this one, as you seem to be addressing the prompt more correctly. You do still have quite a few odd or awkward phrases though. Here are some suggestions: