TOEFL WRITING PRACTICE--Both parents should have an equal responsibility in child rearing.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

[katehuang]

【Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Both parents should have an equal responsibility in child rearing.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.】

I agree that both parents should have the same responsibility in child rearing because of the following three reasons.
First of all, life is not easy, but child can’s choose whether he or she will be born or not, so parents should take the responsibility. In other words, child is the consequence for two persons’ love and choice, parents should take the same responsibility for rearing child.
Second, rearing a child need a lot of energy and money. Child can get better care and environment to grow up if both parents take an equal responsibility. For example, if a mother need to earn the whole life expense by herself and also need to hire a nanny to take care of her child. This means the Mother would have less time to be with her child, because she need work and she was too tired to be with her child after work. However, if both parents taking a equal effort on rearing child, they can cooperate to raising a child. For instance, both parents can have their work, then they have more money to hire a nanny to watch their child without too much burden on finance, and they can take care of child after work in turn, so they are more happy to be with their child, this would have better influence on child.
Third, the child who is reared by two parents can have more model to follow, this is good for the child to think what the better ways is when he meet some difficulties. Specifically, when the child have problem on how to choose their future study, if only one parent take responsibility for the child, the child might just get a opinion, but if he or she can get suggestion from both parents, he or she has more options and more thinking way.Therefore, he or she can make more proper decision.
Above all, child is the result of both parents’ decision, both parents involve well in rearing child can give child better support and child can have more wide thinking if both parents take an equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.

[Luschen]

Hi Kate, your essay was extremely clear, but I think its structure was too simple, with the first, second, third. Also you had some extremely long sentences that went on and on. Some of them were also run-on sentences, so be sure to split them up. Your introduction was too short, as it only has a thesis statement. It is best to begin an introduction for this type of prompt by stating why the topic is important - maybe say it is one of the most important things parents will do in their lives, or that how a child is raised can have a huge effect on the rest of that person’s life. Then introduced the conflict or debate - who should raise the child? And then in the third sentence give your opinion as the thesis. I don’t really like “for the following reasons”, it’s better to give a very short summary of the reasons you will discuss. Please see my comments on your body paragraphs below:

@katehuang

I agree that both parents should have the same responsibility in child rearing because of the following three reasons.
First of all, life is not easy, but [a] child [cannot] choose whether he or she will be born or not, so parents should take the responsibility. In other words, [a] child is the consequence [of] two persons’ love and choice, [therefore] parents should take the same responsibility for rearing [the] child. {this reason did not seem very strong - yes I suppose the child deserves to be raised will, but why is equal co-parenting a better way for the child?}
Second, rearing a child [requires] a lot of energy and money. [A] Child can get better care and [a more nurturing] environment [in which] to grow up if both parents take an equal responsibility. For example, if a mother [needs] to earn the whole [living expenses] by herself and also need to hire a nanny to take care of her child.{this is not a complete sentence - the “if” makes this a dependent clause} This means the [mother] would have less time to be with her child, because she [needs to] work and she [is] too tired to be with her child after work. However, if both parents [give an] equal effort [in] rearing [their] child, they can cooperate [in] raising [him or her]. For instance, both parents can [work outside the home], then they [will] have more money to hire a nanny to watch their child without too much burden on finance, and they can take [turns caring for their] child after work in turn, so they [will be happier] to be with their child, this would have better influence on [the] child. {This sentence is much too long. Please split it up into shorter sentences} {this paragraph seemed to answer the question “is it better for only one or for both parents to earn money for the family?” Generally, “child rearing” refers to actually being with the child. Here, by focusing on work and making money, it sort of sounds like you are saying neither parent should do this, a nanny is a better solution }
Third, the child who is reared by two parents can have more [models] to follow[. This] is good for the child to think what the better ways [are] when he [meets] some difficulties. Specifically, when the child [has a] problem [choosing] their future study, if only one parent [takes] responsibility for the child, the child might just get [one] opinion, but if he or she can get [suggestions] from both parents, he or she has more options and more [ways of thinking]. Therefore, he or she can make [a ]more proper decision. {I think this is your most convincing paragraph}
Above all,{“above all” is usually used to give your final or strongest reason, so it is not really appropriate for a conclusion transition} [since a] child is the result of both parents’ decision, both parents [should be well involved] in rearing [their] child[. This way they] can give [the] child better support and [the] child can have [a more open mind] if both parents take an equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.

[katehuang]

Thank you so much for suggestions and patients.
My modification shows as below, how do you think if I change it like this?
I appreciate you a lot!

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Before, the duty in a family mostly is that Father has work to earn money and Mother stay home to rear children. However, nowadays, it gets more popular that both parents have their own job and take care of children together. The concept changes, and it occurs a huge argument, some think that the old way is better because the child can have whole day protection and good body education in detailed thing from Mother；some prefer the new thinking because children can learn more from both parents. For me, I agree that both parents should commit the same responsibility in child rearing.

To begin, children can learn more advantage for both parents. For example, my Father was a math teacher and my Mom taught Chinese. When my Dad played with me, he liked to play math game like calculate cars in parking lot. Otherwise, my Mom liked to play games which promote my speaking skills. Therefore, I have learned different skills from my childhood already.

Then, the child who is reared by two parents can share his problems with more persons. This is good for the child to think about what the better ways are when he meets some difficulties. Specifically, when the child needs to choose his or her future study, if only one parent takes responsibility for the child, the child might just get one opinion, but if he or she can get suggestions from both parents, he or she has more options and more ways of thinking. Consequently, he or she can make a more proper decision.

Besides, the child can get more mental and physical support by rearing from both parents. For instance, when a child needs someone’s company, there will be two persons can arrange a time to be with the child if both parents raise the child together. This is very important to a child’ life.

To sum up, since a child can learn more, share himself or herself with more persons and get more mental and physical support if both parents take equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.

[Luschen]

Hi Kate, I think you might have gone too far the other way! I like your introduction, but now I think it is too long, because by spending so much time with a long introduction, you might run out of time when writing your body paragraphs.
Usually three or four sentences for the introduction are enough. I do like your content better in this one, as you seem to be addressing the prompt more correctly. You do still have quite a few odd or awkward phrases though. Here are some suggestions:

@katehuang

[Up until recent times], the [duties] in a family mostly [were the father working] to earn money and [the mother] home to rear children. {it is true that we capitalize Mother and Father when addressing or talking about our own mother and father, but here the general term, which is not capitalized, is better} However, nowadays, it [is getting] more popular [for] both parents [to] have their own job and take care of children together. The concept [is changing], and it occurs a huge argument [sometimes occurs, with] some [thinking] that the old way is better because the child can have whole day protection {“whole day protection” sounds like an anti-perspirant commercial! } and good body education {“good body education” is very odd and unclear} in detailed thing from Mother；some prefer the new thinking because children can learn more from both parents. For me, I agree that both parents should commit [to] the same responsibility in child rearing.

To begin, children can learn more advantage {“learn more advantage” is odd and unclear - maybe “children have the advantage of learning from both parents.”} for both parents. For example, my [father] {in “my father”, father is never capitalized } was a math teacher and my [mom] taught Chinese. When my Dad played with me, he liked to play math game like [calculating the number of] cars in [a] parking lot. Otherwise,{“otherwise” is not a correct transition here. “Otherwise” means “if not”. “In contrast” is better here} The usage of otherwise is actually pretty tricky - this webpage may help: Learning English | BBC World Service my Mom liked to play games which [promoted] my speaking skills. Therefore, I have learned different skills from my childhood already.

Then, {this is ok, but “In addition” or “Furthermore” are better to start paragraphs with. “Second” or “Secondly” are also ok. My problem was with your use of “First” … “Second” … “Third” - more variety is better} the child who is reared by two parents can share his problems with more persons. This is good for the child to think about what the better ways are when he meets some difficulties. Specifically, when the child needs to choose his or her future study, if only one parent takes responsibility for the child, the child might just get one opinion[. On the other hand,] {try to split this long sentence up like this} if he or she can get suggestions from both parents, he or she has more options and more ways of thinking. Consequently, he or she can make a more proper decision.

Besides, {“besides” is also better for use within a paragraph than to begin a paragraph - “Finally” is a good alternative here} the child can get more mental and physical support [from being reared by] both parents. For instance, when a child needs someone’s company, there will be two persons{“people” almost always sounds more natural than “persons”} [who] can arrange a time to be with the child if both parents raise the child together. This is very important to a [child’s] life.

To sum up, since a child can learn more, share himself or herself with more persons {“share himself with more people” sounds odd} and get more mental and physical support if both parents take equal responsibility in child rearing, so I agree with the statement.