Toefl writing- independent task

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
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Hi everyone, any comment that you have on my essay to improve this would be apperciated.

Personally, I believe that students are more influenced by their friends because they spend more time together, and they usually have same interests. Let me explain this one by one.

Firstly, students spend much more time with their friends, they are together in school, usually after school and sometimes on the weekends and holidays. For example, two years ago, I was preparing for the SAT exam. I and all of my classmates went to a camp to study for the exam. We were together all the time, we studied together and got motivated by each other. Whenever one of us gets exhausted, others try to cheer her up and give her self-confidence and energy to continue. While we were seeing our teacher just for some minutes in a day, there was not enough time to talk about other things except lessons that we should study for the exam. Therefore, I believe it is a crucial factor to take into consideration that how much time we spend with people.

Secondly, they have the same interests. Because they are almost the same age, they have the same taste in music, sport and so forth. Therefore they can understand each other more besides that they have more topics to talk about them. For instance, I speak to one of my friends about everything because we really have the same ideas and thoughts. I remember one time, I was struggling with my goals in life, I was hopeless and confused. At first, I went to talk to my favorite teacher about my problem, but she didn’t even understand what I was talking about and just told me some general stuff like I should pray and try harder. After that, I went to my friend’s house. I began to explain my problem, after some words, she told me I caught what you are struggling with, and we started to talk about it in detail, and we solved it together. Consequently, I think if friends have the same thoughts and speak about their problems together, they can have a great influence on each other.

So it goes without saying that I posit students influence more from their friends than their teachers, because, they spend more time together, and they usually have same interests.

Words : 377

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I personally believe that students are more influenced by their friends because they spend more time together and usually have the same interests. Let me explain this one by one.

First, students spend much more time with their friends, they are together at school, usually after school and sometimes on weekends and vacations. For example, two years ago I was preparing for the SAT exam. I went to a camp with all my classmates to study for the exam. We were together the whole time, studying together and motivating each other. Whenever one of us was exhausted, the others tried to cheer her up and give her confidence and energy to continue. Since we only saw our teacher for a few minutes a day, there was not enough time to talk about other things except the lessons we were supposed to study for the exam. Therefore, I think how much time we spend with people is a crucial factor.

Secondly, they have the same interests. Since they are almost the same age, they have the same taste in music and sports and so on. Therefore, they can understand each other better and have more things to talk about. For example, I talk with one of my friends about everything because we really have the same ideas and thoughts. I remember a time when I was struggling with my life goals, I was hopeless and confused. First I went to my favorite teacher to talk to her about my problem, but she didn’t even understand what I was talking about and just told me some general things like that I should pray and try harder. After that, I went to my friend’s house. I started to tell her my problem, and after a few words she told me that I understood what you were struggling with, and we started to talk about it in detail, and we solved it together. So I think that friends who have the same thoughts and talk about their problems together can have a great impact on each other.

It goes without saying that I assume that students are more influenced by their friends than by their teachers, because they spend more time together and usually have the same interests.

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Thank you very, very much.
Is it necessary to use “assume” instead of “posit”?
Also, in this sentence, "Since they are almost the same age " ,I used “while” because I wanted to point out an event at the same time. “since” has the same meaning?
Thank you again.

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Can you please post the sentences you are referring to again here using the “quote” button?