TOEFL Independent writing - week 7

The toelf essay is super hard for me especially when I can not find out where are the mistakes.
It would be much appreciated if you can take a look at my essays, score it and give me some advice regarding the grammar mistake and the framwork of the whole eassay.

Do you agree or disagree with the statement that it is always right for governments to ask people to move their businesses and houses to provide space for the construction of large structures (new roads, new dams, etc).

With the need for economic development in big cities, people are usually requested to move their businesses and houses elsewhere to provide space for the construction of large structures. Some people think that it is always right for governments to do so. But the others hold an opposite opinion. From my perspective, the government’s rights are given by its fellow citizens. If its proposal for erecting edifices and infrastructures such as roads and parks is illegitimate, it has no right to enforce the requirements. In other words, it could only be right for the government to do so when its schemes are reasonable and accepted by most of its fellow citizens, but not always.

Governments do not have the absolute right to ask people to move. However, they could gain the supporting from a majority of affected people by the following steps. To begin with, conducting a poll is a necessary step for the governments to find out peoples’ opinions on moving from their houses and businesses. Moreover, if a majority of people are not willing to move, the governments should consider offering some reasonable subsidies for companies or new houses for the property owners. Furthermore, a negotiation meeting between governments and people, who are asked to leave where they live or do business, could be held if the aforementioned resolutions could not achieve their goal. For example, I am living in the countryside of Guangzhou in China, where is on the government’s plans 2021 for rural urbanization. Almost all the villagers disagreed with the compensation of moving out of the village at the very beginning. After several times of negotiations, a lion’s share of villagers accepted the providing solution from governments and the rest of the villagers eventually agreed as well. Therefore, when individuals are in the face of state interest, they would consider compromising on the government’s offer if it is reasonable, otherwise, they would vigorously defend their benefits against the government. The government would put itself in people’s shoes to come up with a satisfying solution eventually.

Governments are not always right. If people are compelled to agree on whatever decisions are made by the government, they might rebel against the harsh government ultimately. Looking through the world history world, people from all over the world were fighting for the sake of their personal rights regardless of sacrificing their life, which in turn had a negative influence on its economy, politic, and culture. Besides, the existence of a government is to deliver a better life for its citizens rather than ruin their life. The government should not develop its economy at the expense of the advantages of the minority. I remember that, when rural urbanization was first implemented in the country, some local authorities knocked down peoples’ houses without their agreement, for the purpose of handing in a great political performance to the central government. This event caused great attention from the whole country as a consequence of the protest from the indignant villagers, who refused to work and caused a great loss to factories. Hence, governments are not always entitled to ask for people to meet their requirements.

In short, not all the decisions or actions from the governments are correct. A prestigious government should hear the voice of its people. Only in this way can the government become greater and stronger.

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Hi Sarah, please find amendments to your text below:

Writing a TOEFL essay is super hard for me, especially when I can’t figure out where the mistakes are.
I would really appreciate it if you could take a look at my essay, rate it and give me some advice on the grammar mistakes and the framework of the whole essay.

With the need for economic development in big cities, people are usually asked to move their businesses and homes elsewhere to make room for large structures to be built. Some people think that it is always right for governments to do this. But the others take a contrary view. From my point of view, the rights of the government are given by its fellow citizens. If its proposal to build structures and infrastructure such as roads and parks is illegal, it has no right to enforce the requirements. In other words, the government has the right to do so only if its projects are reasonable and accepted by most of its fellow citizens, but not always.

Governments do not have the absolute right to ask people to move. They could, however, gain the support of a majority of affected people by taking the following steps. First, conducting a survey is a necessary step for governments to find out people’s opinions about moving from their homes and businesses. If the majority of people are not willing to move, governments should consider offering adequate subsidies for businesses or new houses for property owners. In addition, if the above resolutions could not achieve their goal, a negotiation meeting could be held between the governments and the people who are asked to leave their homes or businesses. For example, I live in the countryside of Guangzhou in China, where the government’s plans say 2021 for rural urbanization. Almost all of the villagers initially disagreed with the compensation for moving out of the village. After several negotiations, most of the villagers accepted the solution offered by the government and the rest of the villagers finally agreed. So when individuals face the interests of the government, they would consider compromising with the government’s offer if it is reasonable, otherwise they would defend their benefits vigorously against the government. The government would put itself in the people’s shoes to eventually find a satisfactory solution.

Governments are not always right. If people are forced to agree with the government’s decisions, they might eventually rebel against the strict government. If you look at world history, people all over the world have fought for their personal rights without regard for their lives, which in turn has had a negative impact on the country’s economy, politics, and culture. Moreover, the existence of a government is to provide a better life for its citizens rather than ruining their lives. The government should not develop its economy at the expense of the minority’s benefits. I remember that when urbanization was first carried out in the countryside, some local authorities demolished people’s houses without their consent in order to deliver a great political achievement to the central government. This event attracted great attention throughout the country, as the outraged villagers refused to work and caused great damage to the factories. Therefore, governments are not always justified in requiring people to fulfill their demands.

In short, not all decisions or actions of governments are right. A respected government should listen to the voice of the people. Only in this way can the government become bigger and stronger.

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Hi Torsten,
Thanks a lot for your help!

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With the need for economic development in big cities, people are usually requested to move their businesses and houses elsewhere to provide space for constructing large structures. Some people think that it is always right for governments to do so. However, other people might disagree. From my perspective, the governments’ rights are given by its fellow citizens. If the proposal for erecting edifices and infrastructures such as roads and parks is illegitimate, it has no right to enforce such developments. In other words, the government should only be in favour of developments for the greater good.
Governments do not have the absolute right to ask people to move house. However, if a vast majority of people in the country agree with the government to build a new project in a residential area, things may change in favour of the government. To begin with, conducting a poll is a necessary step for the government to find out people’s opinion regarding moving out from their houses and businesses. Moreover, if most people are unwilling to move, the government should consider offering some reasonable subsidies for companies and new houses for the property owners. Furthermore, a negotiation meeting between the government and people who will be displaced could be held if the previous resolutions could not achieve their goal. For example, I am live in the countryside of Guangzhou in China, and in this area, the government is planning rural urbanization. Almost all the villagers disagreed with the compensation of moving out of the village from the very beginning. After several negotiations, a lion’s share of villagers accepted the solution provided by the government, and the rest of the villagers eventually agreed. Therefore, when the citizens see that the government is willing to find an adequate solution, they would consider compromising the government’s offer. Otherwise, they would vigorously defend their interests against the government. The government has to put itself in the people’s shoes to come up with a satisfying solution.
Governments are not always right. If people are compelled to agree on whatever decisions are made by the government, there might be a revolt against the state. Looking through world history, people from all over the world fought for the sake of their rights regardless of sacrificing their life, which in turn had a negative influence on its economy, politics, and culture. Besides, the role and the duty of a government is to deliver a better life for its citizens rather than ruin their life. The government should not develop its economy at the expense of the majority. When rural urbanization was first implemented in the country, some local authorities knocked down peoples’ houses without their agreement to hand in an outstanding political performance to the central government. This event drew great attention from the whole country and, as a consequence, the indignant villagers protested and refused to work. These actions caused a significant loss to factories. Hence, governments are not always entitled to ask for people to meet their requirements.
In short, not all the decisions or actions from the governments are correct. A democratic government should hear the voice of its people. Only in this way can the government become better and stronger.

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Thanks for your amendment!

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You need a different phrase here:

Thanks for amending my essay’ or ‘Thanks for making amendments to my essay’. Other alternatives are:
Thanks for correcting my essay’ or ‘Thanks for editing my essay’…

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