TOEFL essay sample: Why Movie/TV are so popular over the world?

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Here’s an another essay I wrote for prepare, which is about Movie/TV. This is a big topic, there are many topics are about it, so I could make a little change accroding to the topic. So, please correct it, Thanks:

People without Movies/TV are like actors without stage for show what dreams they have. Thanks for the rapid development of modern society, the Movie/TV has been brought into focus recently. The Movies/TV has become a most profound way for people to enjoy our life and art. Therefore, it is also a fantastic method to spend time with friends and family. From my personal angle alone, the behaviors influenced by Movies of ours were divided into 3 segments.

First of all, it is obvious that watching Movies/TV is the habit of our life. In our life, Movie/TV are akin to an invisible stage that these could help people to achieve the dreams which couldn’t come true in real life. Inside of Films/TV, we could soaring in the sky, walking in the clouds; Cartoon Movies could help children maintain the best moments of childhood. Everytime when I watch Snoopy or Tom & Jerry, which will bring me to the past that filled with all laughs, that’s a fantastic moment.
For another, people never fail to refuse for learning knowledge from TV/Movie. We have to accept that TV/Movie is another significant method to study some stuff that we know nothing about it. Accroding to the news about how latter-day people to study, over 56% peopel prefer to watch TV/Movie for learning. Such as National Geographic, Discovery, or some shows play knowledge. And the number is still increasing.

Secondly, TV could supervise people to take care of environment. Since enviromental pollution is a society problem that we can’t skirt. As we spend more and more time to watch Movie/TV, which could bring news about the Global Warning, the Polar Glacier and the mining of natural resources. Therefore, Movie/Tv are akin to an alarm clock to monitor behaviors of us. Since my little brother knows people should not drive a lot for reducing the emissions by watching TV, he tried to tell his friends and family do not drive much, taking a bike or walking are healthy and wonderful for keeping environment pretty. See, that’s the power of Movie/TV bring to us, kids are know what to do for our enviroment.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our life has been changed by the Movies /TV deeply and seriously. Not only are habit of life, watching Movie/TV are methods to study, and warning us to do something for our environment.

So, what do you think about this essay?
please give me some advise.

Kitos, what do you think about it??
I’ll be waiting for your guys opinions. Thanks…

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is Carlos Finlay significant?

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Nobody has comments??? please!!

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People without movies or TV are like actors without (a) stage for (displaying the) dreams (that) they have.

Thanks (to) the rapid development of modern society, the movie/TV has been brought into focus recently.
The movies/TV (have) become a most profound way for people to enjoy their (lives) and art, therefore, it is also a fantastic (way) to spend time with friends and family.
From my personal (viewpoint), the behaviours influenced by movies (can be) divided into 3 segments.

First of all, it is obvious that watching movies/TV is the habit of our (lives).
In our (lives), movies/TV are akin to an invisible stage that could help people to achieve (their) dreams which couldn’t come true in real life.

Inside of films/TV, we can (soar) in the sky (and walk) in the clouds;
Cartoon movies could help children maintain the best moments of childhood.
Every time I watch Snoopy or Tom & Jerry, (it brings to me the memory of my)past that (was) filled with (laughter). That’s a fantastic moment.

For another, people (like to gain) knowledge from (watching) TV/movies.
We have to accept that TV/movies (are) another significant method (of studying) some (things) that we know nothing about it.
According to the news about how latter-day people (used) to study, over 56% (of) people now prefer to watch TV/movies for learning; shows such as National Geographic, Discovery, or some shows (displaying) knowledge, and the number (of viewers) is still increasing.

Secondly, TV could (educate) people (in how) to take care of (the) environment,
since environmental pollution is a social problem that we can’t skirt.
As we spend more and more time (watching) movies (and television), (we are made aware of) global warming, the Polar Glacier and the mining of natural resources.
Therefore, movies and television are like an alarm clock (which) monitors our behaviour.

Since my little brother knows people should not drive a lot (simply) by watching TV, he tries to tell his friends and family not (to) drive (so) much. Taking a bike or walking are healthy and wonderful for keeping (the) environment pretty.
See, that’s the power (that) movies (and) TV bring to us.
(Even little children know) what to do (to improve) our environment.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that our (lives have) been changed deeply and seriously by (our watching) movies /TV .

Not only (is it becoming a habit), but watching movies and TV (has become an acceptable) method of studying, and (it is also) warning us to do something for our environment.

Not bad, but a lot of corrective work was needed, and it still isn’t that good.
Your sentence structure is not good. Your thoughts flit from one thing to another.

I am trying to be encouraging, but it is difficult to be so. You really need to stop writing and read, and closely digest, whatever you are reading.
If it has been published, it has been edited, therefore it’s sentence structure will be perfect. Read, read, read.

Kitos.

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Thanks Kitos. I need you guys to help me to edit it.
Are you telling me that my biggest is the sentence structure is too simple?? Or my sentences have many mistake? Actually, I didn’t check it out before I post it here. So there are many stupid mistakes.

I don’t know what to do to improve my sentence structure in a short time if you mean my strucure is too simple, I can’t wait too long for next test. So, I have to practice over and over again.
You want me to write correct sentence, and complex structure, I know that, but it’s an hurdle for now.

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Dear Svbla,

Honestly, I strongly recommend you to check your own essay before you publish it in the forum.
Simple mistakes, e.g. tenses, sigular/plural, infinitive/gerund, spelling, should be corrected by yourself as many as possible.
You can easily look up the words which you confuse in a dictionary (or visit this website thefreedictionary.com).
Some sentense structures or phrasal verbs can also be checked using www.google.com !
Do not just write and have someone check it.
Not only does this help you to gradually learn by yourself, but it also shows your responsibility to your own task.

Regards

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Thanks a lot. You are right.
But, it doesn’t mean if I check by myself b4, the essay won’t has mistakes.
I still need help.