TOEFL essay sample: How to prevent air pollution?

Hi freeman99

I’ve had a look at your essay. My suggestions and corrections are in [color=blue]BLUE. Words in [brackets] should be deleted.

Nowadays, one of the [color=blue]MOST controversial issue[color=blue]s is air pollution. Some people [take][color=blue]GIVE this issue [into] [color=blue]SERIOUS considerati[color=blue]on, whereas [some][color=blue]OTHER people don[color=blue]'t regard t[color=blue]his issue as [an] important. There are numerous steps that should be taken in order to minimize [color=blue]THE increasing air pollution which threatens both [color=blue]THE environment and mankind. [such as ;][color=blue]TWO IMPORTANT STEPS WOULD BE taking precautions against things that cause [huge] [color=blue]LARGE-SCALE air pollution and making people [become] conscious of how significant [obstructing][color=blue]REDUCING/RESTRICTING air pollution is.

[color=blue]In order to [make people become conscious of how significant obstructing air pollution is][color=blue]RAISE AWARENESS, authorized companies or individuals should orient[ate] people [to][color=blue]WITH attractive advertisements that consist of useful directives. [color=blue]This is one of the preventive method[color=blue]s. [on the other hand][color=blue]IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT air pollution not only harms people but also harms other [creatures][color=blue]FORMS OF LIFE like plant[color=blue]s and animals. [color=blue]To [defend][color=blue]PROTECT [these creatures][color=blue]FLORA AND FAUNA from pollution, people should behave consciously. [color=blue]In this regard, [innitially,] we should INITIALLY find out what type of air pollution should be taken into consideration. [Firstly,] As a consequence of air pollution, numerous problems can occur such as [pouring] a[color=blue]cid rain and [emerging] expanding holes in the ozone layer. [Because of][color=blue]FOR these reasons, this problem can cause unpredictable [results][color=blue]EFFECTS. [Subsequently][color=blue]CONSEQUENTLY, in order to prevent air pollution, unarguably the most important step that should be taken is to make people [be] aware of [the fact that] how [remarkable] [color=blue]CRUCIAL preventing air pollution is.

The other way to [obstruct][color=blue]RESTRICT air pollution is [color=blue]BY taking [precautions][color=blue]ACTION against things such as industrial waste[s] [color=blue]AND using harmful energy sources that pollute [color=blue]THE environment. İn[n]itially, people [color=blue]WILL have to cut down on things which increase the [rate][color=blue]AMOUNT of dirty air. For example, people don[color=blue]'t need to always use [unnatural] coal. [and instead of using such things][color=blue]INSTEAD, they should use environmental[color=blue]LY FRIENDLY energy sources. İn this instance, [Taking][color=blue]GETTING air pollution under control [color=blue]WOULD become[s] easier. [color=blue]Moreover, people should try to decrease [using unenvironmental parfume or some thing like that] [color=blue]THE USE OF ENVIRONMENTALLY UNFRIENDLY PERFUMES AND ADDITIVES as soon as possible. [As a consequence][color=blue]IN SHORT, if people want to create [color=blue]A [suitable][color=blue]HEALTHY environment, they have to attach importance [color=blue]TO taking [precautions][color=blue]PREVENTATIVE MEASURES.

İn conclusion, each precaution[s] that [have been][color=blue]IS taken is a valuable investment for [color=blue]THE future of the world. İn the other words[color=blue], [making people be sensitive for][color=blue]SENSITIZING PEOPLE TO this problem and taking some precautions are [remarkable][color=blue]CRUCIAL processes that [color=blue]WILL guarantee our future.

A few comments:

  • Be careful with punctuation, capitalization and spelling.
  • The word creatures doesn’t include plants, so a different word or words was necessary where you used “creatures”.
  • You used some very good words and phrases, but in some cases you don’t seem to understand the meanings fully.
  • The first sentence of your second paragraph is a good example of using too many words, particularly since you had just used the same words in the previous sentence.


TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students at the library