TOEFL essay sample: How to prevent air pollution?

[Yankee]

[size=150]TOEFL essay sample[/size] (from freeman99)

[color=orange]How to prevent air pollution?

my toefl essay

Nowadays, one of the controversial issue is air pollution.Some people take this issue into consideratian whereas some people dont regard tis issue as an important. There are numerous steps that should be taken in order to minimize increasing air pollution which threatens both environment and mankind such as ; taking precautions against things that cause hugeair pollution and making people become conscious of how significant obstructing air pollution is.
in order to make people become conscious of how significant obstructing air pollution is, authorized companies or individuals should orientate people to attractive advertisements that consist of useful directives. this is one of the preventive method. on the other hand air pollution not only harms people but also harms other creatures like plant, animals. to defend these creatures from pollution, people should behave consciously. in this regard, innitially, we should find out what type of air pollution should be taken into consideration. Firstly, as a consequence of air pollution , numerous problems can occur such as pouring asid rain and emerging expanding holes in the ozone layer.Because of these reasons , this problem can cause unpredictable results.Subsequently, in order to prevent air pollution, unarguably the most important step that should be taken is to make people be aware of the fact that how remarkable preventing air pollution is.
The other way to obstruct air pollution is taking precautions against things such as industrial wastes . using harmful energy sources that pollute environment. İnnitially,people have to cut down on things which increase the rate of dirty air. For example, people dont need to always use unnatural coal and instead of using such things , they should use environmental energy sources. İn this instance, Taking air pollution under control becomes easier. moreover, people should try to decrease using unenvironmental parfume or some thing like that as soon as possible. As a consequence, if people want to create suitable environment, they have to attach importance taking precautions.
İn conclusion, each precautions that have been taken is a valuable investment for future of the world. İn the other words making people be sensitive for this problem and taking some precautions are remarkable processes that guarantee our future.

please evaluate my essay …and make comments

Hi freeman99

I’ve had a look at your essay. My suggestions and corrections are in [color=blue]BLUE. Words in [brackets] should be deleted.

Nowadays, one of the [color=blue]MOST controversial issue[color=blue]s is air pollution. Some people [take][color=blue]GIVE this issue [into] [color=blue]SERIOUS considerati[color=blue]on, whereas [some][color=blue]OTHER people don[color=blue]'t regard t[color=blue]his issue as [an] important. There are numerous steps that should be taken in order to minimize [color=blue]THE increasing air pollution which threatens both [color=blue]THE environment and mankind. [such as ;][color=blue]TWO IMPORTANT STEPS WOULD BE taking precautions against things that cause [huge] [color=blue]LARGE-SCALE air pollution and making people [become] conscious of how significant [obstructing][color=blue]REDUCING/RESTRICTING air pollution is.

[color=blue]In order to [make people become conscious of how significant obstructing air pollution is][color=blue]RAISE AWARENESS, authorized companies or individuals should orient[ate] people [to][color=blue]WITH attractive advertisements that consist of useful directives. [color=blue]This is one of the preventive method[color=blue]s. [on the other hand][color=blue]IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT air pollution not only harms people but also harms other [creatures][color=blue]FORMS OF LIFE like plant[color=blue]s and animals. [color=blue]To [defend][color=blue]PROTECT [these creatures][color=blue]FLORA AND FAUNA from pollution, people should behave consciously. [color=blue]In this regard, [innitially,] we should INITIALLY find out what type of air pollution should be taken into consideration. [Firstly,] As a consequence of air pollution, numerous problems can occur such as [pouring] a[color=blue]cid rain and [emerging] expanding holes in the ozone layer. [Because of][color=blue]FOR these reasons, this problem can cause unpredictable [results][color=blue]EFFECTS. [Subsequently][color=blue]CONSEQUENTLY, in order to prevent air pollution, unarguably the most important step that should be taken is to make people [be] aware of [the fact that] how [remarkable] [color=blue]CRUCIAL preventing air pollution is.

The other way to [obstruct][color=blue]RESTRICT air pollution is [color=blue]BY taking [precautions][color=blue]ACTION against things such as industrial waste[s] [color=blue]AND using harmful energy sources that pollute [color=blue]THE environment. İn[n]itially, people [color=blue]WILL have to cut down on things which increase the [rate][color=blue]AMOUNT of dirty air. For example, people don[color=blue]'t need to always use [unnatural] coal. [and instead of using such things][color=blue]INSTEAD, they should use environmental[color=blue]LY FRIENDLY energy sources. İn this instance, [Taking][color=blue]GETTING air pollution under control [color=blue]WOULD become[s] easier. [color=blue]Moreover, people should try to decrease [using unenvironmental parfume or some thing like that] [color=blue]THE USE OF ENVIRONMENTALLY UNFRIENDLY PERFUMES AND ADDITIVES as soon as possible. [As a consequence][color=blue]IN SHORT, if people want to create [color=blue]A [suitable][color=blue]HEALTHY environment, they have to attach importance [color=blue]TO taking [precautions][color=blue]PREVENTATIVE MEASURES.

İn conclusion, each precaution[s] that [have been][color=blue]IS taken is a valuable investment for [color=blue]THE future of the world. İn the other words[color=blue], [making people be sensitive for][color=blue]SENSITIZING PEOPLE TO this problem and taking some precautions are [remarkable][color=blue]CRUCIAL processes that [color=blue]WILL guarantee our future.

A few comments:

• Be careful with punctuation, capitalization and spelling.
• The word creatures doesn’t include plants, so a different word or words was necessary where you used “creatures”.
• You used some very good words and phrases, but in some cases you don’t seem to understand the meanings fully.
• The first sentence of your second paragraph is a good example of using too many words, particularly since you had just used the same words in the previous sentence.

Amy

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students at the library