TOEFL essay sample: Famous place you want to visit.

Dear Sir, I’ve just written one more essay. It is really helpful if you help me to correct it and give me the score likes the Toefl Writing with the scare 5.0. Thank you very much for your caring.

Question: What famous place would you like to visit? Use details and reasons to support your response.

[size=125]Last year, world economy has become crisis but it did not affect to my family. It was the reason that the cost of every tour was decreasing and my parrents decided to give me chance for travelling to China. So Great Wall was my only choice because this place contains many intesting things about Chinese including their beautifulness and culture.

When you are there, you will be surprised at this imposing sight. From the beginning, you can see that Great Wall has many long ways to big citadels. The total length is over 50,000 km, it’s the unbelievable number. Moreover, you can spot that Great Wall was set in the very beautiful mountains. I said it is my only choosing because I really want to walk along this way and see how nice it is. Not just that, I can take a lot of picture with my family, especially my lovely sister.

In addition to the imposing sight, you also be amazing with Great Wall’s history. It was built through many centuries. The first King of Chinese Tan Thuy Hoang, the cruelest King, allowed to build it to prevent invader and other tribe out side China. This is the second think I like about Great Wall because it likes the symbol of strength country. Furthermore, nowhere in the world has this unique architecture.

In conclusion, I am really interesting with Great Wall the most although I have visited many famous places in the world. If you have a time and condition to have tourism, I would like to recommend you to go to Great Wall and see how imposing it is. I’m sure that no book or material can show its attractiveness for you than you go there and recognize it yourself. I wish you would have a lucky chance like me for one time being in Great Wall.[/size]

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and a professor in the professor’s office


The topic asked you what place you would like to visit. But your essay described what you have visited. It is better for you to tell why you would like to visit the Great Wall. I think you can change some wordings in the first paragraph of your essay like "I have visited many famous places in the world, but if I have a chance to visit a foreign country, I would like to visit the Great Wall of China. This is every one who has visited it is amazed by its imposing beauty and by the history it reflects (the third paragraph of your essay discusses the history of the Great Wall, not the culture of the Great Wall.)

I would agree.

You are not really giving enough attention to the question that you are being asked.

The other essay that you posted earlier was better, but really needs more work and clarity.

Sorry for the criticism, but you did ask for comments.

Good luck.

The novel that excited me the more in my childhood was “Robinson Crusoe”, inspired from the adventure of the Scotish seeman “Alexandre Selkirk”, who succeeded to survive to an absolute four-years loneliness on an island in Chili, which has been called, after the success of the novel, “Robinson Crusoe Island”.
I know the island in itself is not as famous as the novel, but I really want to visit it beacause I want to see the really conditions where this formidable man has lived, notwithstanding the novelist’s imaginative ardors. This story had for a long time excited my imagination and my dreams of a child, and still elate my admiration for this seeman, and , for me , visiting this iseland would be somewhere a mean to get in touch with it.
The iseland is also known for the scuba diving, an excellent entertainment, which alows to explore its sea, knwon for its marine fauna diversity, and to see the wreck of the german croiseer " SMS Dresden", which was sank in the First World War.
In addition to this, such a travel would be an occasion for me to discover the culture of this distant country and to have a taste of its exotism.

My own remark, in the meantime of yours: Too short!