Hello, I took the TOEFL today and here is the independent essay. I was trying to remember all my details but this what I can remember so far. I hope you can check my structure and the examples I took.
Do you agree or disagree?
Some people think that teenagers(ages 16-19) can work at paid part-time job when they are not at school and others days that they should not be allowed to earn money at their work as they are still students.
When it comes to whether teenagers work at a get pad job in their spare time, people have different perspectives. Some people indicates that it is beneficial for teenagers to work at a paid part-time job, and however, others refutes that they should not be get paid as they are still students. In my opinion, I agree that students should get paid when they work at their spare time.
To begin with, working at a job that can get paid will help them to be a responsible members of the society. If they are get paid through part-time job, they will become conscious about they are worth for being paid as adults do. For example, in my country, high school students are required participating some social works such as farming or cleaning the public park to get credits. Together with credits, they will also earn an amount of money as an extra reward. I believe that this will help teenagers to be well-rounded.
Furthermore, earning money at a part-time job will help them with their expenditures at school. For some students from poor families, they need to find paid part-time job to ease their economic burden. If the society allows them to get paid, it will help them to be a contributive member of society.
Last but not least, although some parents are worried about some problems like if their children get paid, it will make them to be a greedy person and even may have negative influence on their study. However, I think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages that getting paid will encourage them and they will learn how to manage their time both on study and work.
To sum up, take long term development of teenagers into consideration, I am convinced that it is beneficial for teenagers to work at a paid-part time job in the long run.
Hi Magic, thanks so much for sharing the question on your TOEFL test, I am sure many of the readers of the forum will find your information very useful. I think your structure is correct, but your arguments are not really as developed as they might be, especially your second and third paragraphs. You give a general example in your second paragraph, but having a specific, detailed example would be much better and would boost your word count, which I don’t think is quite high enough to get a top score. I would tell or make up a story about a poor classmate who was able to find a job that really helped out his family, and maybe paid for his books or his schooling, so he was able to get an education. Writing a specific example like this with a lot of details is a good way to increase your word count. Your third body paragraph does not really have any examples at all. I really like your argument that holding a job teaches you how to manage your time. I would have preferred a paragraph focusing on that, with an example of how working at a part time job while going to school helped you personally to better organize your life.