TOEFL essay: News story affected you the most.

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Dear Sir, could you correct all the mistakes and score the essay with scale 5.0 as Toefl iBT for me. Thanks a lot for your caring.

[size=134]Question: What recent news story has affected you the most? In what ways has it affected you? Use reasons and examples to support your response.

[i]In our life, there are many events or news stories that happen each hour. But only what affect us the most is important. Recently, I’ve heard the news, that many young students achived the goal from their studying and I think it was so great if I could achive the goal like them. This news make me think a lot, and I have to try my best to gain the goal too.

The reason why they can achive the goals and I’m cant not is an easy question to answer. The true is that while they are studing, exploring the knownledge, I am just playing games and going out with my friends for relaxing. I have known that I was wrong but I still did that because I thought that our life is long, relaxing is important first. Now, after seeing these sucessfulness of my friends, I think I have to study more instead of siting and relaxing as I have done.

My parrents, my family, and my future are now important in my thinking. Therefore, to have a best life in the future and the happiness of my parrents, I should try my best to study. After that, I will get the master in business and have my own way to be sucessful, sucessful as many people have been. All above is my motive to try, without playing games or having picnic with my friends so much.

The news story of achiving goal of many young students has affected me likes that. I know to achive these goal like them is difficult, but I also know impossible is nothing. Thus, if I try, if I exert all my abitlity, I think I will the the successful man in the future. And I am sure that my parrents will pround of their son.[/i][/size]

UNT

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the design of the sweatshirt?

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But only what affect us the most is important (the only important things are those which affect us the most - would have been better); that’s a bit selfish.
I’ve heard (the news,- noy) that
the goal from their studying … kinda bad - they have concluded their studies with …
I’m cant - baaaaaad; I can’t, I cannot. This being a sort of formal writing, try avoiding any kind of abbreviations.
I have known that I was wrong - I know that it is - since you use present tense in the last sentence.
relaxing is important first - nope; relaxing is one of the most important things (though the idea is eerie …)
these sucessfulness -this hurts… badly.
siting - one syllable verbs double the last consonant when adding ing - sitting
as I have done… so far
in my thinking - no; to me
All above ?!??
has affected me likes that - the verb to affect usually refers to negative situations; likE that
the successful man … who? - a successful man
parrents will pround - parents, be proud

Ok … where does one start. It’s a bit of a disaster and I bet you already knew that. The layout is good, but as for the content … you’ve got A LOT of work to do until you could get a good TOEFL score. I’m not good with grading but I’d give you a 2.0. This shouldn’t discourage you! Keep on keeping on!

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Question: What recent news story has affected you the most? In what ways has it affected you? Use reasons and examples to support your response.

Life has its range of events or news happening permanently day by day. There are many storys affecting me considerably, however, the most significant story i have ever read is about a girl attacking fierely with her incurable desease- bone cancer. This story teach me efficiently how life is valuable and what i should do to not make it wastingly.
This story mentions about a young girl named melyda who recognizes disease herself when she was 18 years of age. Firstly, regardless what her family did to encourage her to be optimistical, she declined her life for she knew that her disease cound’t be treated. She lived through several painest days on her bed because she could not stand up. But, miracle has come unprecedently. She saw birds flying on the sky that motivate her actively to continue her life. She tried to walk everyday and she met what she needed. She could walk personally on her foots and do much charitable works to other unadvantage people all around the world.
What i’ve learned from this story is that my life is so meaningful and i’ve blamed myself on what i had wasted before. Thus, do i recognize validitively is that i must try my best to deserve to what my parents,my friends…etc… Another important aspect, willing to do something, to purchase dreams is what i need to achieve to succeed in life. To illustrate this, i dream to study abroad in the USA that i must take my toefl as well as i can attend my dreamed school,futhermore, i must take a good qualificational report to be accepted by that shcool. This is not easy but i believe i can make it because of my believeness.

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Comment #1 - bad layout and possibly too short
permanently day by day is sort of a pleonasm = bad, evil, wicked
story - stories (use a spell checker… it helps)
the most significant story - the one that has affected me the most
attacking firely? no … this is not English - fighting bone cancer
the story (3rd person, singular) teachES you
to not make it wastingly - ouch … not to waste it
This story mentions (about- no) a young girl
who recognizes disease herself - ouch, that hurt; who is diagnosed
regardless OF what
she declined her life? she refused her life?
She lived through several painest days on her bed - ouch again. She would lay in her bed for days enduring excruciating pain
ut, miracle has come unprecedently - dreadful, sores my eyes !!!
flying IN the sky that (actively) motivateED her
every day
meet the demands, not the needs
foot - feet (you ought to have known at least this!!!)
unadvantage - disadvantaged
validitively - not English; could be Hebrew
to deserve to what my - NO
to purchase = to buy. You cannot buy dreams
o achieve SUCCESS in life
I’m dreaming of studying in the USA (not gonna happen too soon with your English now)
school of my dreams, not dreamed
believeness … not English

Okaaaaaay, now, as you can see, you’ve got a lot of mistakes. Don’t know what to say, it was kinda bad… really bad … especially the words you keep inventing. Work harder, LEARN from your mistakes, otherwise there isn’t going to be any USA school.

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ok, thank for help me. But i am so grateful if you write a sample essay so that i can learn from your much better. Thank.

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srr, i also want you to correct this for me please, thank a lot
TOPIC: Should university education be provided free of charge for all interested scholar?

Nowadays, with the effects of economic growth, world economy won’t develop powerfully without people’s knowledge. So, education, which is past from generations to generations, should be considered as a key to the success of our economic progression that has required people to be well-educated in such reputable universities as Oxford, Cambridge,etc. From my opinion, I totally agree with the statement that university education should be provided free of charge for all interested scholar for two reasons as following.

Firstly, it’s obviously seen that many students in several developing countries are lacking of opportunities to attend universities attaching with high tuition. Although these students have courage a lot, they won’t earn enough money for chasing their dreams. Thus, providing free of charge for all interested scholar is in need to encourage these students continuing their chosen road. For example, one of my friends really wants to study abroad in the USA but his finance foundation is limited. This ordered him to learn at internal university. What i am talking about is that university should support more chances for poor students and significantly make our world becoming equal.
On another aspect, the more free of charge they offer, the more talented people are trained to step up our world economy. According to a sentence of one famous scholar which is said that our global won’t develop chronically without well-examined people that these people, in somehow, will join their hand to help our world form better step by step significantly especially in nowadays technique era, which require the source of well-trained employees.
In conclusion, I believe that university education should be provided free of charge for all interested scholar for not only it is in need to form our world development but also fairly deal with all students involving diversified classes in our society.

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develop powerfully - properly would be better
education is passed
considered a
progress, not progression - 2 different things

when writing a TOEFL essay, don’t use abbreviations (I’m, you’ve, can’t) and definitely don’t use etc. Never!

In my opinion, not from, but you could have skipped this and gone straight to I agree
it’s obviously seen - wrong - it is common knowledge
lacking IN opportunities
universities attaching??? with high tuition - expensive universities
courage a lot - a lot of courage
chasing their dreams. were they doing it with a gun? dreams are followed, not chased !!! (you could scare them away)
providing WHAT ? free of charge
all interested scholar - this is actually French - tout personne concernée. 1. a scholar is an erudite, not a student; 2. all the students that are keen on learning/ improving their knowledge
to encourage these students TO; would have used path instead of road
your friend either wants to study abroad OR in the USA - you’re practically making the same statement twice, but are more specific the second time
finance foundation is limited - has limited funds/ financial resources
This ordered him ??? Can money speak and give orders? This determined him to
national university, not internal
the world can’t be turned equal (the mountains would disappear); universities could promote global equality though
On another aspect … noope! On the other hand
the more free of charge they offer WHAT ?
to step up our world economy … improve, not step up
According to (a sentence of) one/a famous scholar
which is said that. Oh my … this is bad. Which is used for objects/animals. for people, we use WHO, so the scholar who said, not is said
our global WHAT ? won’t develop chronically … something going chronic (disease) is usually a bad thing
(in) somehow
will join their hand - you usually join handS; people will cooperate, joining hands is only good at the church
form better step by step significantly …don’t know what to do of this … it hurts.
the source of well-trained employees? the soruce? are employees some kind of a spring ?
The last sentence is just murder …m u r d e r.

I could write a sample essay and I’m sure you’d be very grateful if I did, but 1st of all I don’t have all the time in the world and secondly, trust me, it won’t help you at all. You won’t have the same topic at your exam. You could google some sample essays or I could even mail you one of my essays. But I honestly don’t know how is that going to help you.

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thanks much for your help gabriel123. I’ve learned a lot from your advices. I’am so grateful if you can correct my next essays? sincerely

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I would be my pleasure (must also find the time though)

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Thanks a lot for your correcting and scoring, Gabriel, I will try more.