TOEFL Essay/ Independent Task/ Please rate my essay

[Epic]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to relax by watching TV or reading a book than by doing physical exercise. Use reasons and examples to develop your response.

Today’s world is such a competitive, developed, and intricate one that leads people to have a hectic lifestyle in which everybody tries to manage stress in a way. With this in mind, a heated controversy exists as to whether it is better to calm down by watching TV and reading books or doing physical exercise. As far as I am concerned, physical activity can be beneficial to minimize the amount of stress and make one feels relaxed. The reason for my choice is manifold, among which mind rest and make friends dominate.

To begin with, the more one does physical exercise, the more his or her body system can be vigorous and handle anxiety and tension. Needless to say, nowadays, people would spend an enormous amount of their time to work and make money in order to keep pace with others. Therefore, their mind needs some time to get rid of any thoughts and to refresh. Having physical activity, for example, a simple walk in a park and take a deep breath of fresh air, a person can increase the level of special hormones such as oxytocin, which is related to the feeling of happiness, in their body. On the other hand, reading a book or watching TV would increase mental activity. Reading a novel, for instance, an individual needs to analyze the characters and understand what is happening in the story exactly. As a result, mental activity can increase dramatically and the brain may not receive sufficient rest.

The other equally significant reason worth mentioning is that doing physical exercise tend to provide a good opportunity to establish social relationships. In other words, one can make new friends by joining a gym, walking in a park, doing yoga to name but a few. According to a study in the University of Tehran, stress and the effect of negative experiences can be reduced by socializing. To illustrate my point, I would like to mention my own experience. A few years ago, I had a monetary issue and I had to withstand too much stress every day thanks to my “enjoyable” life condition. I remember trying to relieve anxiety and bring some excitement to my life by reading even humorous books or watching comedy, but none of them did change my mood. One day one of my co-workers suggested I join a gym, and after a while, by virtue of making some new friends lending support to my life, I overcame all my troubles and did not feel depressed anymore. So significant role might play a friend in having peace and quiet that no one can cast doubt on it.

To sum up, by taking to account all the above-mentioned examples, one can conclude that doing physical exercise can bring about relaxation, for not only can our mind rest and throw away negative thoughts, but we can make friends and not being alone as well.

[Luschen]

Hi Epic, welcome to the forum! Your English is very good and you are well on your way to becoming an epic essay writer - ha! Your format is effective and your body paragraphs did a great job of comparing the efficacy of exercise in comparison to books and TV. That said, I think your thesis statement could have been better - see below. In general your grammar and vocabulary are pretty good, though you did have a few errors here and there. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Epic

Today’s world is such a competitive, developed, and intricate one that [it] {with “such” or “so”, you need an “it” here - I think it would sound better without the such and the it - “Today’s world is a competitive, developed, and intricate one that leads” or “Today’s world is so competitive, developed, and intricate that it leads”} leads people to have a hectic lifestyle in which everybody tries to manage stress in a way. {I think “… stress in one way or another” sounds better} With this in mind, a heated controversy exists as to whether it is better to calm down by watching TV and reading books or doing physical exercise. As far as I am concerned, physical activity can be beneficial to minimize the amount of stress and make one [feel] relaxed. {I don’t think this thesis statement addresses the prompt quite directly enough - the question is not whether physical activity is beneficial, it is whether physical activity is more beneficial than watching TV or reading a book} The reason for my choice is manifold, among which [resting one’s] mind rest and [making] friends dominate.

To begin with, the more one does physical exercise, the more his or her body system {“body system” sounds odd - maybe “the more vigorous will his or her body become and thus better able to handle anxiety …”} can be vigorous and handle anxiety and tension. Needless to say, nowadays, people would spend an enormous amount of their time to work and make money in order to keep pace with others. Therefore, their [minds need] some time to get rid of any thoughts {I think you need to categorize what type of thoughts - negative thoughts, lingering thoughts - as Torsten made clear, it is pretty hard to clear your mind of all thoughts! } and to [become] [refreshed]. [Engaging in] physical activity, for example, a simple walk in a park[,] and [taking] a deep breath of fresh air, a person can increase the level of special hormones such as oxytocin, which is related to the feeling of happiness, in their body. On the other hand, reading a book or watching TV would increase mental activity. Reading a novel, for instance, an individual needs to analyze the characters and understand what is happening in the story exactly. As a result, mental activity can increase dramatically and the brain may not receive sufficient rest.

The other equally significant reason worth mentioning is that doing physical exercise [tends] to provide a good opportunity to establish social relationships. In other words, one can make new friends by joining a gym, walking in a park, [or] doing yoga to name but a few. According to a study in{“at” or “by” sound better here} the University of Tehran, stress and the effect of negative experiences can be reduced by socializing. To illustrate my point, I would like to mention my own experience. A few years ago, I had a monetary issue {I think “financial dilemma” is better here} and I had to withstand too much stress every day thanks to my “enjoyable” life condition. I remember trying to relieve [my] anxiety and bring some excitement to my life by reading even humorous books or watching comedy, but none of them did change {the “did” sounds a bit unnatural here - maybe “none of them were successful in changing my mood”} my mood. One day one of my co-workers suggested I join a gym, and after a while, by virtue of making some new friends [who lent] support to my life, I overcame all my troubles and did not feel depressed anymore. So significant [a ]role might play a friend [play] in having peace and quiet that no one can cast doubt on it. {this paragraph seemed a little weird because your troubles started off by living above your means, yet it was solved by exercising and making friends. What happened to the financial difficulties?}

To sum up, by taking [into] account all the above-mentioned examples, one can conclude that doing physical exercise can bring about relaxation, for not only can our mind rest and throw away negative thoughts, but we can make friends and [avoid] being alone as well. {try to split this up into separate sentences - the IELTS graders are looking for at least three sentences per paragraph to show complete development}

[Epic]

@Epic

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to relax by watching TV or reading a book than by doing physical exercise. Use reasons and examples to develop your response.

many thanks for all your instructive suggestions …I’ll do my best for next essay

[Torsten]

Today’s world is so competitive, developed and complicated that people lead a hectic lifestyle where everyone tries to manage stress in some way. Against this background, there is a fierce controversy about whether it is better to calm down by watching TV and reading books or by doing physical exercise. As for me, physical activity can help minimize stress and feel relaxed. The reasons for my decision are many, with mental relaxation and making friends being the main ones.

First of all, the more you exercise, the better your body system can handle anxiety and tension. Of course, nowadays people spend a lot of their time working and earning money to keep up with others. Therefore, their mind needs time to get rid of all thoughts and refresh itself. Through physical activity, such as a simple walk in the park and a deep breath of fresh air, people can increase the level of special hormones such as oxytocin, which is associated with feelings of happiness, in their bodies. Reading a book or watching television, on the other hand, increases mental activity. When reading a novel, for example, the reader must analyze the characters and understand exactly what is happening in the story. As a result, mental activity can increase dramatically, and the brain may not get enough rest.

Another equally important reason is that physical activity usually provides a good opportunity to make social connections. In other words, you can make new friends by joining a gym, walking in a park, or doing yoga, to name a few examples. According to a study by Tehran University, stress and the effects of negative experiences can be reduced through social contact. To illustrate this, let me cite my own experience. A few years ago, I had a financial problem and had to endure too much stress every day thanks to my “comfortable” living condition. I remember trying to relieve my anxiety and bring some excitement into my life, even reading humorous books or watching comedies, but none of it could improve my mood. One day, one of my colleagues suggested me to join a gym, and after a while, thanks to some new friends who supported me in my life, I overcame all my problems and no longer felt depressed. A friend can play such an important role in finding peace and tranquility that no one can doubt.

In conclusion, from all the above examples, physical activity can bring relaxation, because we can not only rest our mind and drive away negative thoughts, but also make friends and not be alone.