TOEFL Essay: give some grades?

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Wow I just registered in the site, and I just want to congratulate you about the wonderful forum. It’s really helpful :slight_smile:
Well since my TOEFL exam is soon, I’d like to ask you to grade my essay or say if it needs some changes.

It has been said, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books.” Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

People expand their knowledge during all their lifetime. Children gain knowledge by exploring the world around them, but not books. Youngsters during their school time learn from textbooks and experience as well. And adults broaden their knowledge by personal events and books. Therefore, I believe that experience and books are both good teachers.

Children learn new things very quickly. And yet, they don’t rely on books to understand the world around them. They learn by watching, touching, and smelling. Every day they find something new to them. I suppose that their best teacher is observation. They also learn to behave by watching their parents and taking them as a model behavior.

After starting school, children are able to gain knowledge from examination and books as well. Textbooks help them to learn about different cultures and various traditions. In my opinion, books contribute to developing a worldwide outlook on life, which is crucial for students. Later at school, books help students for their career preparation. Alongside books, self-experience does also help students. Youngsters learn about themselves and others by communication. They learn how to behave and how to treat others due to contacting many people. What’s more, their experience helps them to develop their interests and talents.

As adults, people still gain knowledge. They learn to make decisions by their experience. They also learn to understand what’s good or bad. Books also help to expand their knowledge. Literature gives suggestions to deal with everyday problems. Newspapers and magazines, on the other hand, tell them about daily events.
As children, people start learning from observation. Then, they gradually start to learn about new things from different books and their own experience. To my way of thinking, both self-experience and textbooks are quite beneficial and educational for all people.

Thanks for reading :slight_smile:

TOEFL listening lectures: How did Queen Elizabeth acknowledge the English victory?

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It has been said, “Not everything that is learned is contained in books.” Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

People expand their knowledge during all their lifetime. Children gain their knowledge rather by exploring the world around them than by reading books. During their school time youngsters learn from both textbooks and experience as well. And Adults broaden their knowledge by personal events and the lecture of books. Therefore, I believe that experience and books are both good teachers.

[Don’t start sentences with conjunctions such as and, but, or, because etc. In your example you can easily replace ‘and’ by one of the following connectors: moreover, further, in addition.]

Children learn new things very quickly. And yet, they don’t rely on books to understand the world around them. They learn by watching, touching, and smelling. Every day they find something that is new to them. I suppose that their best teacher is observation. They also learn to behave by watching/observing their parents and taking them as model an example for their own behavior.

After starting school, children are able to gain knowledge from examination and books as well. Textbooks help them to learn about different cultures and various traditions. In my opinion, books contribute to developing a worldwide outlook on life, which is crucial for students. Later at school, books help students for their career preparation. Alongside Along with books, self-experience does also help students. Youngsters learn about themselves and others by communication. They learn how to behave and how to treat others due to thanks to having contact with many people. What is more, their experience helps them to develop their interests and talents.

[“adolescent” or “juvenile” could be serve as an alternative for ‘children’ in your essay]
[‘due to’ has a slightly negative connotation, the opposite would be ‘thanks to’; a neutral expression with the same meaning is for example ‘based on’]
[in an academic essay, like the one you will have to compose in the Toefl, you must not use apostrophes, but write out words in full, e.g. ‘I do not think that …’ or ‘People will not change …’]

As adults, people still gain knowledge. They learn to make decisions by their experience. They also learn to understand what is good or bad/tell right from wrong. Books also help to expand their knowledge. Literature gives suggestions to deal with everyday problems. Newspapers and magazines, on the other hand, tell them [check what ‘them’ is related to in the preceding sentence] about daily events.
As children, people start learning from observation. Then, they gradually start to learn about new things from different books and their own experience. To my way of thinking, both self-experience and textbooks are quite beneficial and educational for all people.

[Try to use synonyms such as ‘horizon’, ‘comprehension’, ‘awareness’, ‘perception/idea of the world’ for frequently used words such as ‘knowledge’, that way you make your essay sound more varied and interesting]

Where is your concluding paragraph? Ask yourself if you really responded to all the questions of the task.

I like the way you structured your essay around the different stages in a human beings life and how each stage if connected to the gaining of knowledge. Nevertheless, you missed to contrast the ways of acquisition of knowledge (which way is predominant, which way is more effective and in which situation, why?). Furthermore, you should try to look up for synonyms (or antonyms) in order to avoid repetition.

All in all, I like your essay. Keep up the good work! And good luck with your Toefl!

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Thanks very much for the help!! :slight_smile: