TOEFL essay advice+rate pls

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
1

Hello … i have started for the toefl and writing section … its my 2nd essay and i have 45 days more to study … i want you to rate it and how much i can score,some advices and so on …
Pets should be treated like family members
For many people pets should be treated like a family member, and in the most cases they prove themselves by some prominent phrases like “dogs are the best friends” or “the cat is holy because it has nine lives”. From my point of view, pets are neither friends nor holy. They are senseless creatures which cannot help anyone, instead of this they need care, protection and love which can cause depression to the owner after its death.
First, there is no any mysterious pet which is smart, helpful and can give advice, talk to someone or solve a problem. Rather they need help, care and attention which express them as unconscious, soulless and helpless beings and if they are treated like a family member they need undertake the responsibilities of a person which is not in their nature. In addition, if you respect and consider a pet as a person and value them more than an animal it is unfair to homeless, careless or unprotected people which live in slums with poor conditions.
Second, it is certain that the majority of pets can survive for 5-10 years, so if it is considered as a family member the lost of it will be in the same rate. The acceptance of death is not so easy and it can deeply affect the mood or cause diseases such as depression or unhappiness. Although the lack of the “family member” need to be replenished and which will cause much more stress after its loss. Thereby we shouldn’t show excessive respect to them, otherwise our medical conditions can be very poor for nothing.
However, pets have so many benefits which can be used by people. For example, the dogs can protect its owner from malicious people, cats cause relaxation, parrots give pleasure and all pets possesses own ability to satisfy people. Unfortunately these can’t make them family member.
In short, despite the fact that pets are enjoyable they still need care, protection and can’t fill the family member’s place which in the most cases endure more than ten years.
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that is my own essay,no ideas from others and i didnt read any essays before writing it , thanks …

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture by a professor of Archeology

2

Hello … i have started for the toefl and writing section … its my 2nd essay and i have 45 days more to study … i want you to rate it and how much i can score,some advices and so on …
[i]Pets should be treated like family members
For many people pets should be treated like a family member, and in the most cases they prove themselves by some prominent phrases like “Dogs are MAN’S best friends” or “The cat is holy because it has nine lives”. From my point of view, pets are neither friends nor holy. They are senseless creatures which cannot help anyone(.) Instead of this they need care, protection and love which can cause depression to the owner after its death.

First, there is noT any mysterious pet which is smart, helpful and can give advice, talk to someone or solve a problem. Rather they need help, care and attention which express them as unconscious, soulless and helpless beings(,) and if they are treated like a family member they need TO undertake the responsibilities of a person(,) which is not in their nature. In addition, if you respect and consider a pet as a person and value them more than an animal it is unfair to homeless, careless or unprotected people which live in slums with poor conditions.

Second, it is certain that the majority of pets can survive for 5-10 years, so if it is considered as a family member the LOSS of it will be AT the same rate. The acceptance of death is not so easy(,) and it can deeply affect the mood or cause diseases such as depression or unhappiness. Although the lack of the “family member” need to be replenished and which THIS will cause much more stress after its loss. Thereby we shouldn’t show excessive respect to them, otherwise our medical conditions can be very poor for nothing.

However, pets have so many benefits which can be used by people. For example, A DOG can protect its owner from malicious people, cats cause relaxation, parrots give pleasure and all pets POSSESS THEIR own ability to satisfy people. Unfortunately these can’t make them family memberS.

In short, despite the fact that pets are enjoyable(,) they still need care, protection and can’t fill the A family members place(,) which in the most cases endureS more than ten years.
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Not too bad Altunshukurlu.

Kitos. 8/10