Luschen
September 3, 2018, 2:41pm
2
Wow, this was a really impressive essay. Your introduction had a great format - 1. say why the topic is important 2. say what the debate over the topic is about 3. give your opinion in the thesis. Really well done.Toefl study group - #23 by Luschen
ahmad1:
Living in a good neighborhood is very important to have a better life because it is where you spend most of your time. If they build a new movie theater nearby, there will be a lot of debate about it[;] some people may agree and some [others] may disagree. {try to link this better to your first sentence by mentioning the neighborhood: "If they build a new movie theater nearby, the neighborhood is sure to be affected, so there will be a lot of debate about its construction, with some residents agreeing and others disagreeing]. From my point of view, it is good to have a movie theater in our neighborhood for two reasons which I [will] explain [now] later. {I would just leave out this last phrase, or better, give a short summary of the two reasons - “… in our neighborhood, since it will serve as an additional entertainment option and improve the local economy.”}
First, a movie theater will provide new entertainment for people. There is not much choice (there are not many options) {either is fine - “choice” is probably better, since it will not result in repetition of “option” in the same sentence} for having a good {“enjoyable” or “pleasant” are better than the overused “good”} weekend in small towns so watching movies in a cinema can be [an excellent] option. People can go to watch a movie in a cinema with their family or friends and have a [delightful] time together. For instance, when I was a high school student my favorite pastime was watching movies and I had a few friends who also were into movies. There was a movie theater near our school that changed its movies every other week. We would go to [the] movies exactly [on] the first day when they started showing a new movie. I can remember a movie we saw those days, called “the last supper”.{capitalize proper names, including the names of movies} It was a romance in which a woman who is a professor falls in love with a boy who is her student and at least [twenty] {write out numbers twenty or less} years younger. As we all were [adolescents] and almost at the age of that boy in the movie, we imagined ourselves in his place. After the movie finished[,] we went to a café and discussed about {for some reason, “discussed” does not use a preposition} it for hours. That is why it has remained in my mind after [these fifteen] years. As you can see[,] having a movie theater in your neighborhood can be entertaining and make unforgettable memories for you.
Second, a new movie theater is good for business in the surrounding area. It attracts new people who are potential customers for the surrounding shops and restaurants. These new customers improve small businesses. For example, I used to have a friend who had a fast food restaurant in a street that was not so crowded. The restaurant usually had about [only twenty] customers a day so that it [was not able to] cover its expenses. My friend was considering closing down the restaurant and changing his business but he heard that a movie theater [was] going to be built in the street near (close) to {either “near his” or “close to his”} his restaurant. So, he changed his mind and decided to bear the loss for a few years. After the movie theater was complete and started to show movies, just within a year not only [were] all of his losses were offset but also he earned enough money to buy a new car and apartment. Without that movie theater my friend would never have made that much money.
Finally, building a movie theater will create new jobs. The theater [construction] project will need different kinds of [workers] {try to be more specific than just “people” if you can} such as engineers, managers, architects, or construction workers. Even after the theater is finished they will have to employ new [employees] to run it. This means that there will be new job opportunities. For example, on my way to work I used to pass a huge building under construction. It took around ten years to be finished. There were lots of people working there every day. Now it is a beautiful complex which consists of different parts including a shopping center and several movie theaters. There are still people who work in the movie theater in order to provide service for customers. It is clear that this complex has provided jobs for many people hunting for jobs.
All things considered, a movie theater in [the] {try to avoid second person, it often sounds too informal} neighborhood would be a great addition. It provides a good pastime for people, more customers for stores and restaurants, and new job opportunities. Who [does not] {avoid contraction in formal essays} like entertainment, more money, and new jobs? Be optimistic and support the idea of building a movie theater in our neighborhood.
3 Likes