Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.
Topic: Many people visit museums when they travel to new places. Why do you think people visit museums? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
There has been a heated debate concerning the visit to museums when people travel to new places. In fact, there is a growing sentiment that put more emphasis on the importance of the museums. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislike with that perspective. In my opinion, I concur with the former for two primary reasons.
First of all, when visiting someplace new, you can discover the culture of that place in many ways. You can go to a movie or a place of worship or a nightclub. In my opinion, the easiest way to learn about a-place’s culture, though, is by visiting its museums. Museums will indicate you the history of the place you’re visiting. They’ll show you what art the locals think is important. If there aren’t any museums, that tells you something, too. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein.
Secondly, the reason is that visiting museums is the good chance for many students to know more about what they have learnt at school. At the History period at school, students just sit in one place and listen to what the teachers show them, they might feel a little boring. When they visit the museums, they will have an opportunity to experience more and make them memorize about the History lessons deeply.
Some may argue that the reasons aren’t sufficient enough to persuade the readers, providing evidence that there are some more places we can go to know the cultural of every country, we don’t need to visit the museums. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that it is the worst idea without considering concrete examples.
Hi, I don’t think your essay’s overall structure addresses this prompt very well. The question is not “Are museums important?” and the question is not “Are museums the best way to learn about a country’s culture?” The question is “why do people visit museums?”, so that is the question your essay has to address. I think the format you are using and some of your memorized sentences just don’t work for this kind of prompt. I think the problems started with your introduction. Here is a common 4-sentence introduction format I often recommend:
1st: state that the topic is important
2nd: explain why it’s important
3rd: restate the question
4th: presents your answer (thesis, opinion, etc.)
I sort of followed this to give an example introduction:
In our global society, tourism is increasing year after year. Along with natural areas and architectural marvels, museums seem to be the destination of choice for many of these world travelers. This raises the question, why are museums so popular? In my opinion, tourists choose to visit museums to learn about culture and to reinforce what they have learned in school.
In fact, in your first body paragraph you have a lot of sentences that would make a great introduction - maybe:
When visiting someplace new, we can discover the culture of that place in many ways. We can go to a movie or a place of worship or a nightclub. Nevertheless, in my opinion, the easiest way to learn about a place’s culture is by visiting its museums. I think tourists choose to visit museums to learn about the country they are visiting and to reinforce what they have learned in school.
Your writing in this one is pretty good, except for that weird epitome sentence, but you will get a very low score if you do not address the prompt directly.