The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns

[Quang1997]

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In this world, there are significant numbers of jobs that people have. There are also many important aspects of a job that people think. Some people would strongly say money is the most important aspect of a job. If we don’t have money, we can’t afford anything, as a result. This tells us how important money is as one of the aspects of a job. However, for the following three reasons: happiness while working is more important, if we can’t afford to do things that we want to do because of a job, that is not beneficial, and we call a good job when we enjoy them, I think money is not the most crucial aspect of a job.

First of all, we can’t deny the fact that people work to earn money and money is considered as an essential thing in their life. Nevertheless, do you think people would work for just money? It will be probably no. In fact, people should be happy about their jobs and they should also be proud of their jobs while working. This is a true job. In addition, if they are happy about their jobs, the productivity of work will surely improve.

Secondly, many people work very hard and earn lots of money. They think this is just the only thing what they are supposed to do. Despite that, if people can’t afford to spend their free time while working, it is just a pain for them. How can people just earn money and not have enough time for their own time? At this point of view, the work productivity will definitely decrease and people can get so much stress later on. People certainly need to rest and spend their time freely sometimes.

Continuing to the last point, people call a good job when they like them and enjoy them. Although well-paid jobs are very important, jobs which people can enjoy will be considered as more important. If they don’t enjoy our jobs, they can easily get bored on their jobs. People can efficiently work harder if they actually enjoy jobs. Earning money is just a part of a job but enjoying them is a whole important part of jobs because people won’t be able to earn money if they quit the job because they got bored on it.

To sum up briefly, earning money is considered very important because without money, we can’t do anything, as mentioned. Nonetheless, for the previous three reasons: happiness should be considered first, it will be a pain for people if they can’t afford their free time because of a job, and enjoying is more significant than just earning money, I strongly insist that money is not quite the most important aspect of a job.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why are these young men in conversation?

[Luschen]

Hi Phuong, your English grammar and usage is very good, but overall your essay seemed unorganized. In every body paragraph you kept coming back to the point that working in a job just for money will result in the employee losing his or her motivation.
This is a good point, but you need to talk about this reason in only one paragraph and discuss other reasons in the other two body paragraphs. Your introduction introduces the topic pretty well, but your short choppy sentences don’t really flow very well.I like the fact that you gave a summary of your reasons in your thesis statement, but I think your summary needs to be shorter. Maybe, " However, for the following three reasons: staying motivated, being satisfied with one’s work, and the importance of time off from work, monetary concerns should not be the most crucial aspect of a job."
Then in your body paragraphs, you should make sure the first sentence of each, the topic sentence, includes the specific reason that you then explain. For instance, “First of all, we cannot deny the fact that earning money is essential, but an employee working simply to make money will find it almost impossible to stay motivated in the long run.”
Then you explain why this is and give a detailed, maybe personal example about it.
Feel free to make up an example - maybe your uncle (even if you don’t have an uncle) got a great job at a bank after college but after a few years he was so bored that he started coming in late and his work suffered and so he was fired.
Examples like this will really help contribute to your arguments.
Here are some specific suggestions:

@Quang1997

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In this world, there are [a ]significant numbers of jobs that people have. There are also many important aspects of a job that people think [are important] {or better “people consider important”}. Some people would strongly say money is the most important aspect of a job. If we don’t have money, we [cannot] {avoid contractions in formal essays} afford anything, as a result. This tells us how important money is as one of the aspects of a job. However, for the following three reasons: happiness while working is more important, if we can’t afford to do things that we want to do because of a job, that is not beneficial, and we call a good job [good] when we enjoy [it], I think money is not the most crucial aspect of a job.

First of all, we [cannot] deny the fact that people work to earn money and money is considered as an essential thing in their life. Nevertheless, do you think people would work for just money? [Your answer] will be probably [be] no. In fact, people should be happy about their jobs and they should also be proud of their jobs while working. This is a true job. In addition, if they are happy about their jobs, the productivity of work will surely improve. {this paragraph is sort of all over the place. I think if you had a clear topic sentence giving a specific reason, it would help keep your paragraph more organized and on point}

Secondly, many people work very hard and earn lots of money. {once again, this is not a very good topic sentence. This does not give a reason supporting your argument} They think this is just the only thing [that] they are supposed to do. Despite that, if people can’t afford to spend their free time while [not] working, it is just a pain for them. How can people just earn money and not have enough time for their own [leisure]? [From my] point of view, the work productivity will definitely decrease and people can get so much stress later on. {you are repeating this idea from the previous paragraph but in neither paragraph have you really developed it completely} People certainly need to rest and spend their time freely sometimes.

Continuing to the last point, people call a good job [good] when they like [it] and enjoy [it]. Although well-paid jobs are very important, jobs [that] people can enjoy will be considered as more important. If they [do not] enjoy [their] jobs, they can easily get bored on their jobs. People can efficiently work harder if they actually enjoy jobs. Earning money is just a part of a job but enjoying [it] is a [more] important part of [a job] because people won’t be able to earn money if they quit the job because they got bored [of] it. {there are too many "because"s in this sentence, it just sort of meanders on and on.}

To sum up briefly, earning money is considered very important because without money, we [cannot] do anything, as mentioned. Nonetheless, for the previous three reasons: happiness should be considered first, it will be a pain for people if they [cannot] afford their free time because of a job, and [enjoyment] is more significant than just earning money, I strongly insist that money is not quite the most important aspect of a job.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why are these young men in conversation?

[Quang1997]

Thank you very much.

[Babita]

Can someone evaluate my score for this essay plz

Medical doctors are moving to cities and their needs are increasing in rural areas. Why they are moving, give reasons and solutions

In this developing world, people with medical degrees are flocking to cities to earn great amount of money instead of working in rural areas. Due to the reduction of medical facilities, problems related to health are increasing to a great amount. In my point of view, this problem may be caused by improper fundings, low salaries and lack of medical equipments.
First of all, in rural areas many hospitals do not have enough equipments and facilities to treat a serious patient and this can results into death of an individual, then, people starts giving threatening statements to doctors, this can increase violation in rural areas. Thererfore, govt. should examine all the problems in rural areas and provide enough medical facilities as well as they should run health related schemes by which both doctors and individuals get benefits, as this is a major problem in rural areas.
On the other hand, having less number of hospitals and staff, medical doctors have big burden to deal with the people and even after handling with this situation they do not receive appropriate salary. Because of this, they are flocking to cities in quest of lucrative salaries. Moreover, medical degree holders should understand that their need in rural areas has increasing day by day because one doctor in one village is not sufficient. In other words, not only public but private hospitals must be constructed in rural areas, this will attract the number of staff and doctors.
To conclude, proper fundings and advance equipments can increase the number of medical doctors and govt. and private sector should construct more hospitals in rural areas which can help people to meet fine medical facilities and doctors can also get adequate income.