The following appeared in a health magazine. Argument~

[Mathew179]

Hi,Luschen. It’s me matthew, do you remember me and i’m still preparing for the GRE~

This is my argument, could your give me some suggestion? thanks

53. The following appeared in a health magazine.
    The citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyles. Their responses to a recent survey show that in their eating habits they conform more closely to government nutritional recommendations than they did ten years ago. Furthermore, there has been a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran, a substance that a scientific study has shown reduces cholesterol. This trend is also evident in reduced sales of sulia, a food that few of the most healthy citizens regularly eat.
    Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The author’s assumption that more healthful lifestyles have been adopted by the citizens of Forsythe appears to be rational at first glance, but the author fails to consider several crucial elements to make such declamation. Whether or not the eating habits recommended by the government is healthful? can the increasing number of selling of kiran explain anything? Does the most healthy people’s choice mean the stuff they do not like is unhealthful?

The author assumes that people’s lifestyles be closer to the habits recommended by the government means people more healthful than ten years ago. The first question is that how about the adaptability of government’s recommendation. It may be that the government just copies the eating habits from some famous magazine blindly, but it is not suitable for the local people. Also, the author does not tell us the citizens’ eating habits in ten years ago. Maybe the old habits are more healthful than now. The author’s assumption would be more convincing, if the author tells us the details of eating habits recommended by the government and exchanging information about their lifestyle both now and before.

Moreover, the author claims that the people in Forsythe live better because of the increase in a kind of health food containing kiran. However, it may be not the case at all. Even though this increase is indisputable, the author cannot prove that whether or not is local people who bought the food products containing kiran. It is just as possible that the Forsythe is a tourist city and numerous people come here, so it is the tourist that bought the food products rather than local people. What is more, even the local people indeed buy more food products containing kiran, which does not mean that they do not eat other unhealthful food. If all their food products are detrimental for health except for containing kiran one, it cannot prove their life styles are better than eating habits in the past

Finally, how about the function of decline of sales of sulia for author to make assumption? It is not necessarily the case. Even though the healthiest people do not like sulia, it does not mean sulia is unhealthy. It is quite possible that sulia is not tasty, which is an important factor for people to choose a food product. Another situation is that the price of sulia is increased in the recent year, so local people cannot afford this price rather than they do not like eat sulia. Also, although they do eat sulia, it does not mean they do not eat other unhealthy meal. The author must preclude this situation for bolstering the assumption.

To sum up, the author makes judgment too curtly. Before any conclusion about local people’s lifestyles is made, the author must consider the detail of eating habit recommended by the government, cite more evidence that prove who bought the the food products containing kiran and that contain the reason why people do not choose sulia.

[Luschen]

Hi Matthew, sorry for my delay in responding. I don’t check this forum that often. I think your essay was pretty good, though you did have quite a few odd or unclear sentences. See my comments and suggestions below.

@Mathew179

Hi,Luschen. It’s me matthew, do you remember me and i’m still preparing for the GRE~

This is my argument, could your give me some suggestion? thanks

53. The following appeared in a health magazine.
    The citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyles. Their responses to a recent survey show that in their eating habits they conform more closely to government nutritional recommendations than they did ten years ago. Furthermore, there has been a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran, a substance that a scientific study has shown reduces cholesterol. This trend is also evident in reduced sales of sulia, a food that few of the most healthy citizens regularly eat.
    Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The author’s assumption that more healthful lifestyles have been adopted by the citizens of Forsythe appears to be rational at first glance, but the author fails to consider several crucial elements to make such [when making this] declamation. Whether or not the eating habits recommended by the government is[are] healthful? {this sentence is not a question, and is not actually a complete sentence} can the increasing [sales] number of selling of kiran explain anything? Does the most healthy people’s choice mean the stuff[food] {avoid using “stuff” - it is too vague and informal} they do not like is unhealthful? {I think for your thesis you should address the question more closely by saying that additional evidence could strengthen or weaken the author’s arguments}

The author assumes that people’s lifestyles be[ing] closer to the habits recommended by the government means people [are] more healthful {people would be more healthy, their habits would be more healthful} than ten years ago. The first question is that how about the adaptability of [the] government’s recommendation. It may be that the government just copies the [suggested] eating habits from some famous magazine blindly, but it is[they are] not suitable for the local people. Also, the author does not tell us the citizens’ eating habits in [of] ten years ago. Maybe the old habits are more healthful than now{“than today’s” seems better}. The author’s assumption would be more convincing,{no comma} if the author tells us the details of eating habits recommended by the government and exchanging[compares] information about their lifestyle both now and before. {you could have also talked a bit about the survey itself - what was the sample size? Were the questions leading? Were any steps taken to mitigate possible lying or embellishment by the respondents? Everyone likes to think that they eat heathy}

Moreover, the author claims that the people in Forsythe live better because of the increase[d consumption of] in a kind of health food containing kiran. However, it may be not the case at all. Even though this increase is indisputable, the author cannot prove that whether or not is[it was] local people who bought the food products containing kiran. It is just as possible that the Forsythe is a tourist city and numerous people come here, so it is the tourist[s ] that bought the food products rather than local people. What is more, even [if] the local people indeed buy more food products containing kiran, which [this] does not mean that they do not eat other unhealthful food. If all their food products are detrimental for health except for [the one] containing kiran one, it cannot prove their life styles are better than eating habits in the past {a lifestyle is much more than just an eating habit} {a big question I have is what is the number of products that now contain kiran compared to products of 10 years ago? Maybe the food manufacturers are adding kiran to everything, so the consumption could not help but go up. Or maybe the manufacturers are advertising products containing kiran a lot, so those products that contain it are increasing rapidly in sales.}

Finally, how about the function of decline of sales of sulia for author to make assumption? {this sentence is very unclear and awkward} It is not necessarily the case. Even though the healthiest people do not like sulia, it does not mean sulia is unhealthy.{I would stress this point a little more - “correlation does not necessarily mean causation” is a good phrase to memorize} It is quite possible that sulia is not tasty, which is an important factor for people to choose a food product. Another situation is that the price of sulia [ha]s increased in the recent year, {it would be “in the most recent year”, but generally in this case we would just say “in the past year”} so local people cannot afford this price rather than they do not like [to] eat sulia. Also, although they do eat sulia, it does not mean they do not eat other unhealthy meal[s ]. The author must preclude this situation for bolstering [to bolster] the assumption.

To sum up, the author makes judgment too curtly.{“curtly” sounds a little odd here, it is almost always used when talking about speech} Before any conclusion about local people’s lifestyles is made, the author must consider the detail[s ] of [the] eating habit[s ] recommended by the government, cite more evidence that prove[s ] who bought the the food products containing kiran and that contain[s ] the reason why people do not choose sulia.