The extended family is less important now than it was in the past

[Samiraslh]

Please one person correct and rate my essay. thanks
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The extended family is less important now than it was in the past

In the first twenty century, with development of civilization and technology, the means of family has less important now than it was ever. The question of whether the members of family such as grandparents, uncle, aunt and so on have less significant now than past or not has long been a topic of controversy among sociologists. I am strongly agree that the members of family was more remarkable in past because people have a hectic life today, the members of family also live far away to each other, as well as, they do not need the help of together.
To begin with, most members of family live far away from each other. Thus they rarely visit each other.to clarify this point, an example is that my family live in Tehran and my grandparents live in Kerman. Also my uncles and my aunts live in Shiraz. We meet each other only one time in year.
Apart from the points made above, no one can oversee the fact that people have a busy life now in comparison with past. All of family are working in all around the day. The parent work several hours in day to provide facilities for their children and the children go to university or high school. As a result, all of family do not enough time to visit other members of family such as uncles or aunts. A typical example of this is, in my family, My parent work until 10 o’clock and I am in university every days even I cannot my parents every day when I arrive in home they are asleep.
The last point which deserves some words here is, now, the members of family need to help each other less than it was ever. In past, if we had had a problem, they would have help from each other but now the problem of people are a lot of and they should solve their problem themselves. Therefore, in past, people meet each other more. To elaborate on my point further, last year, we wanted to buy a home and no one of my family could not us because they had themselves many problems and we solved themselves our problem.
To put it in a nutshell, in past, members of family have more important than now for three reasons. First, the members of family live near of each other. Second, they was not busy like now. Third, they can help to each other than they got help from each other.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why do the Lascaux cave paintings probably not qualify as graffiti?

[Luschen]

Hi Samirslh, I think you did a pretty good job. Your writing is understandable and you included some good examples. Adding even more details to your examples would boost your word count and your score though. I am not sure you addressed the prompt directly enough. It talks about “extended” family, which you sort of touched on, but you didn’t seem to focus completely on this. You had quite a few errors in your sentence structures and some grammatical mistakes too. Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 5.

@Samiraslh

Please one person {“one person” implies you only want one person to correct it - I think “Please someone” is better} correct and rate my essay. thanks
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
The extended family is less important now than it was in the past

In the first twenty[-first] century, with development of civilization and technology, the means of family {“means of family” is unclear} has less importan[ce] now than it was ever[ did]. {or “is less important now than it ever was”} {this sentence is answering the question and could be used as your thesis, but it is best to put your thesis at the end of the introduction} The question of whether the members of [a ]family such as grandparents, uncle, aunt and so on have less significan[ce] now than [in the] past or not has long been a topic of controversy among sociologists. I am strongly agree that the members of famil]ies] w[ere] more remarkable {“remarkable” is incorrect in this context} in [the] past because people have a hectic life {"lifestyle"is better} today, the members of family also live far away to[from] each other, as well as, {“as well as” does not work well when combining independent clauses like this} they do not need [each other’s] the help of together.
To begin with, most members of family {“family members” is better} live far away from each other. Thus they rarely visit each other.[ T]o clarify this point, an example is that my family live[s ] in Tehran and my grandparents live in Kerman. Also my uncles and my aunts live in Shiraz. We meet each other only one time in [ once a] year.
Apart from the points made above, no one can over[look] the fact that people have a busy li[ves] now in comparison with [the] past. All of [Everyone in a] family [is] are working in all around [throughout] the day. The parent[s ] work several hours in [a ]day to provide facilities {“facilities” sounds odd here - what do you mean?} for their children and the children go to university or high school. As a result, all of[nobody in the] family do not [has] enough time to visit other members of [the] family such as uncles or aunts. A typical example of this is, in my family, [ m]y parent[s ] work until 10 o’clock and I am in university every da[y; I cannot] even I cannot [see] my parents every day [because] when I arrive in [at] home they are asleep.
The last point which deserves some words here is, now, the members of [a ]family need to help each other less than [was true in the past] it was ever.{or just “less than ever”} In [the] past, if we had had a problem, they would have help from each other but now the problem of people [have many problems] are a lot of and they should solve their problem[s ] themselves. Therefore, in [the] past, people me[t ]each other more. To elaborate on my point further, last year, we wanted to buy a home and no one [in]of my family could [help] not us because they had themselves many problems and [so] we solved themselves our problem [ourselves] . {what exactly was the problem?}
To put it in a nutshell, in [the] past, members of family ha[d ] more importan[ce] than now for three reasons. First, the members of famil[ies] live[d ] near of each other. Second, they w[ere] not busy like now. Third, they c[ould] help to each other than they got help from each other.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why do the Lascaux cave paintings probably not qualify as graffiti?

[Samiraslh]

Thank you so much for correcting my essay. Please could you guide me? if I want increase my rate to 4 or 5, what do I do? please say me my lack.
Best regards

[Luschen]

Hi Samiraslh, if you look at the scoring rubric: ets.org/s/toefl/pdf/toefl_w … ubrics.pdf I think the main issue keeping you at the 3 level is “inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning” Plus, if you want to get closer to the 5 level, your examples are going to need to be more detailed and developed. I really have no tips to getting better instantaneously - generally it takes a lot of hard work and practice. I would advise reading newspaper and magazine articles in English - National Geographic and NPR.org are good. Also read and write as many essays as you can.

[Samiraslh]

thanks so much.