Technologies create problems 2

[Trololo12]

Hello,

I’ve written one more essay, this time I used the model test example, and changed my strategy.

I made an outline (5 min), then I wrote an intro (4 min), then I wrote the 1st and 3d (!) paragraph first, finishing by writing the 2nd paragraph. This allowed me to be sure that I can focus on both sides and provide graders with more sophisticated point of view. I did not have time for conclusion though.

“As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.”

Throughout recorded history, people have constantly been using technologies of various kinds. These technologies certainly provide people with solutions for issues faced by humanity, yet they also inadvertently and inevitably create new problems, challenging people in various realms of their activity. Although such problems exist no matter which time period we consider, it is undeniable that it is technology, as a whole, that allows people to educate themselves about various phenomena and fosters them to focus on cognitively demanding tasks in different fields.

First, let us consider the most recent technology, that is computers and automatons. This technology enabled people to make industrial as well as business processes more efficient, and less time consuming. This, in turn, freed people from engaging themselves in tedious and laborious tasks, allowing them to focus on more demanding, in terms of intellectual endeavours, and complex tasks that require assiduous study and sophisticated skill sets. On a personal note, being an industrial engineer, I face various issues related to optimizing spatial and time constraints in order for products to be dispatched on time. I can focus on reasoning and planning only because more mundane tasks are assigned to automatons, and most of manufacturing is automated; otherwise, it will not be possible.

What is more, technologies open new frontiers to people allowing them to develop themselves even further. Take for instance mobile applications that allow them to monitor their progress in educational and training pursuits, or mobile apps that enable them to control their health and adjust their diets according to the data they collect over a period of time. Indeed, technologies ignite in them the feelings and thoughts that anything can be achieved with proper coordination, motivating them further to advance and set new goals for their development to become a well-rounded individual with superior performance and results.

One might reasonably argue that there are numerous examples where technology seems to deteriorate human abilities. Take for instance teenagers who are overwhelmed and engrossed with their smartphones, taking selfies, chatting about minor, often so simple, matters with people alike. Yet we should realize that apart from those minor groups of people who have not yet faced the challenges associated with survival in the world of adults, technologies do spark in people the great intellectual pursuits. For example, many people who are engaged in robotics or programming are those who are required to transcend their context and, what is more, technologies, as a whole, to design new ways of solving tasks, again, by means of novel technologies. It is those people who have to exert intellectual power that supersedes the current technologies. As we see in many realms of human excellence, this process will never stop, based on the historical records.

[Luschen]

Hi Trololo, I think this essay is an improvement, but I still feel you could focus more directly on the prompt.

@Trololo12

Hello,

I’ve written one more essay, this time I used the model test example, and changed my strategy.

I made an outline (5 min), then I wrote an intro (4 min), then I wrote the 1st and 3d (!) paragraph first, finishing by writing the 2nd paragraph. This allowed me to be sure that I can focus on both sides and provide graders with more sophisticated point of view. I did not have time for conclusion though.

“As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.”

Throughout recorded history, people have constantly been using technologies of various kinds. These technologies certainly provide people with solutions for issues faced by humanity, yet they also inadvertently and inevitably create new problems, challenging people in various realms of their activity. Although such problems exist no matter which time period we consider, it is undeniable that it is technology, as a whole, that allows {“allows” seems too strong - surely the ancient philosophers and even someone sitting on a log in the woods can learn about various phenomena without having to use technology. I would use a word like “… that facilitates people educating themselves …”} people to educate themselves about various phenomena and fosters them to focus {“fosters them in focusing” sounds better} on cognitively demanding tasks in different fields.

First, let us consider the most recent technology, that is computers and automatons. This technology enabled {since this is so recent, I think “has enabled” is better} people to make industrial as well as business processes more efficient, and less time consuming. {does this topic sentence really address “thinking for themselves”? this seems more like “makes life easier/better”, which is somewhat different - I would try to make sure that every topic sentence directly refers to the prompt} This, in turn, freed people from engaging themselves in tedious and laborious tasks, allowing them to focus on more demanding, in terms of intellectual endeavours, and complex tasks that require assiduous study and sophisticated skill sets. {Ok, I see where you are going. This is better, but it still seems like “now people have more time to learn and study” is a bit different than “think for themselves”} On a personal note, being an industrial engineer, I face various issues related to optimizing spatial and time constraints in order for products to be dispatched on time. I can focus on reasoning and planning only because more mundane tasks are assigned to automatons, and most of manufacturing is automated; otherwise, it [would] not be possible. {this example is pretty good in supporting your thesis, but I would concentrate on the fact that no matter how much the technology assists you by providing data and automating routine mathematical calculations, the key element for success is your mind, without whose guidance these automated processes could not work toward a focused goal.}

What is more, technologies open new frontiers to people allowing them to develop themselves even further. Take for instance mobile applications that allow them {maybe say “users” to avoid repetition of “them”} to monitor their progress in educational and training pursuits, or mobile apps that enable them to control their health and adjust their diets according to the data they collect over a period of time. Indeed, technologies ignite in them the feelings and thoughts that anything can be achieved with proper coordination, motivating them further to advance and set new goals for their development to become a well-rounded individual[s ] with superior performance and results. {once again, this doesn’t seem to address the topic quite directly enough. I would focus on the users of these devices still remaining in control. Say that these technologies offer useful tools, but the person who wields them still must use their minds to interpret the data and in fact the tools are only worthwhile if the person has decided for themselves what goals she should pursue to increase her happiness or sense of fulfillment - try to bring everything back to thinking for yourself and being in charge of the technology - using it to leverage your mental power instead of replacing it.}

One might reasonably argue that there are numerous examples where technology seems to deteriorate human abilities. {yes, this is the correct way to introduce a possible counterargument} Take for instance teenagers who are overwhelmed and engrossed with their smartphones, taking selfies, chatting about minor, often so simple, matters with people alike.{“with people alike” is unclear to me} Yet we should realize that apart from those minor groups {“minor groups” sounds a little odd and ambiguous - do you mean small groups or groups of minors? I would uses something more clear} of people who have not yet faced the challenges associated with survival in the world of adults, technologies do spark in people the great intellectual pursuits. For example, many people who are engaged in robotics or programming are those who are required to transcend their context and, what is more, technologies, as a whole, to design new ways of solving tasks, again, by means of novel technologies. It is those people who have to exert intellectual power that supersedes the current technologies. As we see in many realms of human excellence, this process will never stop, based on the historical records.
{This is your most effective paragraph I think. I especially liked the second half, which maybe could have been expanded to be a whole paragraph on its own. I don’t think it works as well as a rebuttal to the objection - couldn’t you argue that the kids on their cellphones engaged in seemingly minor affairs are actually interacting in a social web much more vast than their parents could have ever imagined, which requires much thought and creativity to negotiate these complicated relationships? To say nothing of the intellectual debates concerning topics like religion and politics that are often spurred through social network interactions. For instance, this forum is only possible through technology, but it does not serve to diminish my ability to think but instead provides a wonderful platform to expand my mind and interact with people I would otherwise never encounter.}

[Trololo12]

Thomas,

I got your point. Now it is totally clear to me how to extend a rebuttle. Besides, I will pay closer attention to topic sentences to make sure they address the task and are tied to my thesis. Yea, and a thesis should have been stronger. I’ll work on that.

@Luschen

Hi Trololo, I think this essay is an improvement, but I still feel you could focus more directly on the prompt.

@Trololo12

Hello,

I’ve written one more essay, this time I used the model test example, and changed my strategy.

I made an outline (5 min), then I wrote an intro (4 min), then I wrote the 1st and 3d (!) paragraph first, finishing by writing the 2nd paragraph. This allowed me to be sure that I can focus on both sides and provide graders with more sophisticated point of view. I did not have time for conclusion though.

“As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.”

Throughout recorded history, people have constantly been using technologies of various kinds. These technologies certainly provide people with solutions for issues faced by humanity, yet they also inadvertently and inevitably create new problems, challenging people in various realms of their activity. Although such problems exist no matter which time period we consider, it is undeniable that it is technology, as a whole, that allows {“allows” seems too strong - surely the ancient philosophers and even someone sitting on a log in the woods can learn about various phenomena without having to use technology. I would use a word like “… that facilitates people educating themselves …”} people to educate themselves about various phenomena and fosters them to focus {“fosters them in focusing” sounds better} on cognitively demanding tasks in different fields.

First, let us consider the most recent technology, that is computers and automatons. This technology enabled {since this is so recent, I think “has enabled” is better} people to make industrial as well as business processes more efficient, and less time consuming. {does this topic sentence really address “thinking for themselves”? this seems more like “makes life easier/better”, which is somewhat different - I would try to make sure that every topic sentence directly refers to the prompt} This, in turn, freed people from engaging themselves in tedious and laborious tasks, allowing them to focus on more demanding, in terms of intellectual endeavours, and complex tasks that require assiduous study and sophisticated skill sets. {Ok, I see where you are going. This is better, but it still seems like “now people have more time to learn and study” is a bit different than “think for themselves”} On a personal note, being an industrial engineer, I face various issues related to optimizing spatial and time constraints in order for products to be dispatched on time. I can focus on reasoning and planning only because more mundane tasks are assigned to automatons, and most of manufacturing is automated; otherwise, it [would] not be possible. {this example is pretty good in supporting your thesis, but I would concentrate on the fact that no matter how much the technology assists you by providing data and automating routine mathematical calculations, the key element for success is your mind, without whose guidance these automated processes could not work toward a focused goal.}

What is more, technologies open new frontiers to people allowing them to develop themselves even further. Take for instance mobile applications that allow them {maybe say “users” to avoid repetition of “them”} to monitor their progress in educational and training pursuits, or mobile apps that enable them to control their health and adjust their diets according to the data they collect over a period of time. Indeed, technologies ignite in them the feelings and thoughts that anything can be achieved with proper coordination, motivating them further to advance and set new goals for their development to become a well-rounded individual[s ] with superior performance and results. {once again, this doesn’t seem to address the topic quite directly enough. I would focus on the users of these devices still remaining in control. Say that these technologies offer useful tools, but the person who wields them still must use their minds to interpret the data and in fact the tools are only worthwhile if the person has decided for themselves what goals she should pursue to increase her happiness or sense of fulfillment - try to bring everything back to thinking for yourself and being in charge of the technology - using it to leverage your mental power instead of replacing it.}

One might reasonably argue that there are numerous examples where technology seems to deteriorate human abilities. {yes, this is the correct way to introduce a possible counterargument} Take for instance teenagers who are overwhelmed and engrossed with their smartphones, taking selfies, chatting about minor, often so simple, matters with people alike.{“with people alike” is unclear to me} Yet we should realize that apart from those minor groups {“minor groups” sounds a little odd and ambiguous - do you mean small groups or groups of minors? I would uses something more clear} of people who have not yet faced the challenges associated with survival in the world of adults, technologies do spark in people the great intellectual pursuits. For example, many people who are engaged in robotics or programming are those who are required to transcend their context and, what is more, technologies, as a whole, to design new ways of solving tasks, again, by means of novel technologies. It is those people who have to exert intellectual power that supersedes the current technologies. As we see in many realms of human excellence, this process will never stop, based on the historical records.
{This is your most effective paragraph I think. I especially liked the second half, which maybe could have been expanded to be a whole paragraph on its own. I don’t think it works as well as a rebuttal to the objection - couldn’t you argue that the kids on their cellphones engaged in seemingly minor affairs are actually interacting in a social web much more vast than their parents could have ever imagined, which requires much thought and creativity to negotiate these complicated relationships? To say nothing of the intellectual debates concerning topics like religion and politics that are often spurred through social network interactions. For instance, this forum is only possible through technology, but it does not serve to diminish my ability to think but instead provides a wonderful platform to expand my mind and interact with people I would otherwise never encounter.}