Success in life

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot
Some people think success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think that money and appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay: People have different views about factors leading to people’s achievements. While I agree that material wealth and physical traits are essential, I believe that diligence and persistence are the best underlying features in obtaining success.

On the one hand, it is no wonder that financial status and personal appearance play a pivotal role in attaining accomplishments. Firstly, those who were born in affluent families typically could have a good foundation for their development and prosperity. For instance, with financial support from family, it is a straightforward task for Louis Nguyen, a young businessman in the Philippines to establish his own fashion companies. Secondly, it is common knowledge that attractive appearance is of paramount importance to certain key sectors such as entertainment or fashion. In fact, if a singer or model has a good looking, it is easier for her to draw much attention from audiences and have greater opportunities to climb the social ladder.

On the other hand, I side with the view that assiduous and determined people are likely to have better chances of success. The main reason is that only the minority of people are fortunate enough to have good financial background or appearance, but by putting a great deal of arduous effort, they could reach the zenith of success. Take Nick Vujicic, a well known motivational speaker as an example. Despite the absence of four limbs, he learned to write by his mouth with his studiousness and successfully earned a bachelor degree, now is traveling around the world to inspire the youth especially those who have a disadvantaged destiny. The other reason is that major success seldom comes easily without perseverance. One of the notable examples is Thomas Edison, a well know inventor, who conducted countless experiments and also failed thousands of time before eventually inventing the working light bulb.

In conclusion, although I acknowledge that financial status and physical appearance significantly contribute to people’s success, I am adamant that the role of being studious and persistent is far more crucial.

[Luschen]

Hi Th_Bui, I thought you did a good job with this essay. Your reasons were valid and your examples were very relevant and convincing. It’s funny how the ESL test writers make questions about “success” as if everyone agrees what success is, when in fact there are thousands of books, philosophies and religions attempting to answer this exact question. But still, you don’t have space to philosophize too much on an IELTS essay, so it is best to just make an assumption like you have done, that success = achievements. I tend to agree with most IELTS coaches who suggest that for this type of essay prompt, it is best to write two objective body paragraphs, each supporting one side of the issue. Then you write a third, subjective paragraph, giving your opinion. This third paragraph can be combined with the conclusion. The prompt says discuss both views AND give your opinion. One could argue that in this essay you have just given the opposing view and then given your opinion. I think it is safer to discuss both views first in an objective way before ending with your personal viewpoint. Here are some other comments:

@Th_Bui

People have different views about [the] factors leading to people’s achievements. While I agree that material wealth and [attractive] physical traits [play significant roles,] are essential {this was too strong}, I believe that diligence and persistence are the [most vital] underlying features [for] obtaining success.

On the one hand, it is no wonder that financial status and personal appearance play a pivotal role in attaining accomplishments. Firstly, those who were born in affluent families typically could have a good foundation for their development and prosperity. For instance, with financial support from family, it [was] a straightforward task for Louis Nguyen, a young businessman in the Philippines[,] to establish his own fashion companies. Secondly, it is common knowledge that attractive appearance is of paramount importance to certain key sectors such as entertainment or fashion. In fact, if a singer or model has a good looking [physique], {or “is good looking”} it is easier for her to draw much attention from audiences and have greater opportunities to climb the social [and professional] ladder.

On the other hand, I side with the view that assiduous and determined people are likely to have better chances of success. The main reason is that only the minority of people are fortunate enough to have a good financial background or appearance, but by putting a great deal of arduous effort, [those without this head start] could [still] reach the zenith of success. {be careful, in your sentence, “they” meant “people fortunate enough to have a good financial background or appearance”} Take Nick Vujicic, a well known motivational speaker as an example. Despite the absence of four limbs, [through effort and sheer determination,] {be sure to tie your example back to the prompt by adding a phrase like this} he learned to write [with] his mouth with his studiousness {ok, I guess you were trying to tie it back to the prompt here, but studiousness doesn’t really work as well here - you don’t study in a book how to write with your mouth! } and successfully earned a bachelor degree[. Now he] is traveling around the world to inspire the youth especially those who have a disadvantaged destiny.{“disadvantaged destiny” is incorrect. I guess you can have a disadvantaged start, but as you say, that does not guarantee your destiny} The other reason is that major success seldom comes easily without perseverance. One of the notable examples is Thomas Edison, a well know inventor, who conducted countless experiments and also failed thousands of [times] before eventually inventing the working light bulb.

In conclusion, although I acknowledge that financial status and physical appearance significantly contribute to people’s success, I am adamant that the role of being studious and persistent is far more crucial. [Looks and money can straighten the road to success, but hard work is the only way to ensure one will arrive at the destination.] {I think it is safer to have at least two sentences per paragraph}