Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
1

Essay after correction:

[color=blue]Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues, some think that the government should take more care about the environment. From my perspective, I think the government should take more care about environment. The following reasons support my idea :

First of all, it is obvious that the environmental pollution has become the focus of society. Global warming has been warning us to decrease the amount of emissions.
For one thing, a news from CNN shows that polar glacier has been melting for the last 20 years, and that the level of the sea has been rising 3.5cm. The worse part is this rising is still moving on. That means there are huge areas will be covered by sea level. If we do nothing to reduce the pollution of the place where we are living, then these areas will disappeared from the earth map and we will lose our homes.

For another, like humans, animals are another significant part of the environment. More and more animals are in severe danger, even facing extinction from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we don’t stop hunting. Otherwise, only we can do is go to museums to visit animals samples, not fossils.
Here’s an example from my hometown, which is developing economically.
Factories take huge areas for warehousing. They cut the trees, turn the hills into barren wildernesses. The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying, no birds are singing in the sky, everything is damaged, therefore, we can’t protect our homeland as much as we think without the policies of government.

Secondly, there is no doubt that the environment is the best encyclopedia for us to learn much more about our earth. All of the knowledge we have, we have learned from books, but, how could we study a book without the environment? All kinds of experts and college students are delving into this huge nature textbook to study something that we still don’t know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to seek the interesting stuff that you prefer.
A poll from a high school shows that students prefer to venture into the environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn, no matter what you like, you will find amazing results from this nature book.

In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that the environment issue is much more important than health issue now, and our government should pay more attention to the environment, such as reducing the pollution and emissions from the earth, protecting the animals by making sure that they have a place to survive in, and by encouraging people to go into the natural environment to enjoy and study these most beautiful things.
Environment just like home for us. Therefore, people without homes are like birds without wings, fish without water.

This is the essay after correction, I just wanna know which part that I have to improve again?
Does is still has problems as following?:

[color=red]1.you may not provide enough specific support and development for your main points;
2.your ideas may be difficult to follow because of how you organize your essay or because of the language you use to connect your ideas; and/or
3.grammatical mistakes or vague/incorrect uses of words may make the writing difficult to understand.

I think the 2nd problem maybe gone. My idea is clear, if you still think my ideas are hard to follow, then I am dying.
1st problem-----I have some details and info to support my points, I guess. Is that enough? more?
3rd: does it has grammatical mistakes now???

Show me, please. thank!

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a Drama professor

2

Svbla. the second and third problems are practically gone now.

As to the first, I don’t know what else you feel you need add. Sounds OK to me.

Is the word count sufficient?

The greatest load is imposed when the examiners start to point out your errors. Once started, they seem to be incapable of stopping. Nothing in your essay is as bad as they make out, unless your wish is to be an English college professor. :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Keep at it, but take some time to have a little fun.

Kitos.

3

Thanks.
Yeah, ETS does require the essay has to be 300 words, so I think the length is sufficient.
The 1st pro I don’t get it. why TES people think my details are not enough? If I provide more details than I did, then I think it will be a data!
I wish 2nd and 3rd are really ok for ETS people.

4

The red part is from TOEFL test, it’s my test comments. ETS people think those are my big problems, so I have to fix them. That’s why I need poeple to help me.

5

Who correct it?
I believe that it needs to be revised.

sorry, I just make a few corrections with my limited knowledge.
let me now if you have any suggestions.
to be frank, I don’t like this essay.

6

Svbla,

Realize that these comments are fairly generic and depend only on your final score. They are not tailored to reflect your individual strong and weak points, so I wouldn’t attach too much importance to them.

Also, with all due respect for Kitosdad, I wouldn’t say that the third problem is gone. Actually, not so, but far otherwise. :wink: I can elaborate, if you wish, but your errors are pretty much evident. Do pay attention to spelling and grammar. As for the structure and development, they are more or less adequate.

7

Thanks a bunch Topaze
I really need help, how much it’s gonna cost me if you elaborate mine?
are you an English teacher? If yes, be a bit more humble, if not, learn from us.

Kitosdad is an English man with over 3500 posted essay, story and poem, he is a native speaker of English, he just don’t want to make someone feel disappointed.
Don’t forgive the sophisticated people advice.
all these comments are respectable and helpful that’s why we are here.
you are a new member here. just take a look at your posted writing…
I’d be glad to If you can help me or someone else…but you can? If yes, do it.
but don’t rewrite an essay…revise it…just elaborate it…you will find out how difficult it is. Make a few correction is much more difficult and time-taking that writing one.

8

Again hi Svbla
You don’t have to write certain 300 words. If you can write more, so write more. for example, Yamilet was able to write more than 500 words in 30 minutes.
However, Bear in mind that writing more than 300 words mustn’t make you lose your concentrate.
Good luck.

9

Richard Jack.c,

I’m not sure what you imply by “how much it’s gonna cost me” because I’m certainly not offering any paid services here - perish the thought.

I’m not an English teacher; however, I no longer need to prepare for the TOEFL test, since I’ve passed it. I also have an utmost respect for Kitosdad or, for that matter, anyone who spends much of their free time helping English language learners out of the kindness of their heart.

I’m not quite sure what you mean by “forgiving sophisticated people advice” either, and although I acknowledge that their comments may very well be respectable and helpful, I fail to see any connection.

As for Svbla’s essay, I didn’t point to the remaining errors for the reason mentioned in my post - they’re pretty much evident and can easily be detected by careful proofreading. You have already spotted some of them, by the way. Should Svbla still want me to list them, I will gladly do so.

…

Wait a minute! I believe I see the problem. You probably thought that I meant the comments Kitosdad and you had made, didn’t you? If that’s so, it’s a simple misunderstanding. I was actually referring to the generic comments provided by ETS.

10

Hi Topaze

I just Kidded. I Know because I have read all your comments and posted writing.
In some cases the way you have written seems impolite to me.
But a rhetorical question :!:
of course anyone who is posting his/her essays to this FORUM want to receive some comments to improve…
you are able to help others, so do it. Start from my essays. :smiley:
getting a great score on tests are not important to me, I want to improve more. I believe that getting acceptable score for enrolling in a university isn’t difficult…since I’m gonna go to a English-speaking country to receive a higher education, I need to improve my English more. in addition, writing is my pleasure.
The other reason why I’m here, is making new foreign friends with different cultures. I have made some intimate friends here. aside from those above-mentioned, help someone, who is weaker than me, to improve seems enjoyable to me. because I use to be weak.
Thank for your comments.
Good luck.

11

Thanks, I do need you to elaboraete.
But, Kitos already helped me correct this essay, maybe some mistake is bacause I cut the essay from Word and stick here. Anyway, if you see the mistake about the 3rd problem, just show me, you didn’t point to the remaining errors, but I need to know.
2: You mean structure and development are not that appropriate? How ot fix it?
3: Do you see the red part under the essay? that’s TOEFL comments, I need to correct those pros. so what do you think about them? Which one is still there? which are really gone?

12

Thanks, I need to explain it.
1: then these areas will disappeared from the earth [color=red]map and we will lose our homes.
2:there is no doubt that the environment is the best encyclopedia. How could we study a textbook without the environment? (Is that doesn’t make sense to you??)
3: “People without homes are like birds without wings, fish without water.” this last sentence states that the environment is very important for us. And we can’t lose it.
You don’t get it?

13

Good morning Richard and Topaze, and of course Svbla.

Where to start?.. Please, don’t let this turn into a barbed discussion.

My position here is that of an helper. I am not a teacher and have never claimed to be.

Richard does his utmost to help, and he does. His approach to the pupil is different to mine, and far different to Topazes.

My primary intention is not to point out every single fault in the posters essay, rather to encourage and bolster their confidence in their abilities.
In the past when I have criticised an essay, I’ve found that this has had a very detrimental effect on the writer, and it takes time to encourage them to write again.

Richard’s input is remarkable for a non-native speaker, whilst in the case of Topaze, I would guess you live in an English speaking environment. Your profile suggests nothing, therefore this is only a guess.

We must never lose sight that the vast majority of the pupils come from a non-native background, and the transition to English speaking Forums must be an hurdle that most find difficult to clear.

Please try to be a little more tolerant and caring in your manner of correction. We are being helpful, not dictatorial.

I feel that Svbla came here a little late in his/her preparation for the test and is now panicking. I do realise that this test is a very important step for them and should not be viewed lightly, but unfortunately he/she found this site too late in his/her preparation.

I do wish him/her well and will continue to support wherever I can.

Kitos.

14

Svbla,

See below, please.

No, actually I think they’re quite adequate. The structure is very good. It is the development of your ideas that is somewhat unclear, but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Yes, I do. Those are the generic comments I was referring to above.

Here’s the essay. Please understand that I may have missed, incorrectly detected or even made some mistakes. If you want to be absolutely sure you may wish to consult an educated native speaker, which I’m not.

Some people think that the government should pay attention to health care issues(; )some think that the government should take more care about the environment. From my perspective, I think the government should take more care about* the environment. The following reasons support my idea:
First of all, it is obvious that () environmental pollution has become the focus of society. Global warming has been warning** us to decrease the amount of emissions.
For one thing, a (piece of) news from CNN shows*** that polar glacier(s) ha(ve) been melting for the last 20 years() and that the level of the sea has (risen) 3.5 () cm. The worse part is (that it continues to rise). That means there are huge areas (that) will be covered by sea****. If we do nothing to reduce the pollution of the place where we are living, then these areas will (disappear) from the earth***** and we will lose our homes.
For another (thing), animals (,like humans,) are another****** significant part of the environment. More and more animals are in severe danger, even facing extinction from the earth, which means we could never ever find them again if we don’t stop hunting. Otherwise, (the only thing) we (will be able to) do is (to) go to museums to visit (live) animals, not fossils.*******
Here’s an example from my hometown, which is developing economically.
Factories take huge areas for warehousing. They cut the trees (and) turn the hills into barren wildernesses . The river has been polluted by these factories. As a result, animals are leaving, fish are dying, no birds are singing in the sky (and) everything is damaged(; ) therefore, we can’t protect our homeland without (special government policies). *********
Secondly, there is no doubt that the environment is the best encyclopedia for us to learn much more about our earth. All of the knowledge we have, we have learned from books, but() how could we study a book (on nature?) without the environment? All kinds of experts and college students are delving into this huge (natural) textbook to study something that we still don’t know. Or you could turn on TV to watch National Geographic to seek the interesting stuff*** that you prefer.
A poll (conducted in a high school) shows that students prefer to venture into the environment themselves for learning. This is all because the environment is (the) best textbook for us to learn, (and) no matter what you like, you will find amazing (facts?) (in) this (book of nature/nature’s book).
In conclusion, I’m totally convinced that the environment(al) issue is much more important than (the) health issue now, and (that) our government should pay more attention to the environment (and take appropriate actions) such as reducing the pollution and emissions from the earth, protecting the animals by making sure that they have a place to survive in and () encouraging people to go into the natural environment*********** to enjoy and study these most beautiful things************.
People without homes are like birds without wings, fish without water.

    • you repeat the word “government” and the phrase “take more care about” twice in one paragraph. You might simply say something like “I favor the second option”.
      ** - is the alliteration intended here? :slight_smile: This is not an error, of course.
      *** - why not just “CNN reports that”?
      **** - just sea. The word “level” is not necessary here.
      ***** - either from the earth or from the map.
      ****** - you used the word “another” twice in one sentence. You might want to avoid such repetitions.
      ******* - sorry, don’t follow. There are already places where one can find live animals, and they’re called zoological gardens. Even if some endangered species were to disappear in the wild, we would probably find them in zoos, not in museums.
      ******** - a hill is simply a natural elevation. It can be a part of a barren wilderness even without any environmental pollution.
      ********* - you wrote “as much as we think” here. What did you mean?
      ********** - there’s something dubious about this choice of words, although it’s just a subjective opinion.
      *********** going into the natural environment may be grammatically correct, but it still sounds odd to me. Why not “get out into”?
      ************ - what most beautiful things?
15

Kitosdad, thank you very much for you comment.

I completely respect your opinion. However, I believe that a person who wants to have their TOEFL essays corrected expects an objective evaluation (or at least an effort to make one), possibly supported by a complete or nearly complete list of mistakes. I think that most language errors are not particularly hard to eliminate, even within a short period of time, if learners are aware of them. Lack of awareness, on the other hand, not only prevents people from avoiding mistakes in the future, but also ingrains all unnoticed errors. I also believe that such mistakes do matter and that people who plan on taking the TOEFL test may want to keep that in mind. ETS raters may not be as finicky as their French counterparts when it comes to grammar and style, but I think that every test taker who makes numerous spelling and grammar mistakes in their essays should at least be told that this can and, in all probability, will affect their score – severely, in some cases. The rest is everyone’s personal choice, of course, but I think that all test takers are entitled to that information.

Not quite. As a matter of fact, I’m from Azerbaijan and have never lived in an English-speaking country, and although I do plan on continuing my studies abroad, I will not be living in an English language environment even then.

16

Topaze, I am not here to argue with anyone, and I’m sure that what you are saying is correct, but I think Svbla is going to have an headache for the next couple of days following your clinical dissemination of his essay.
Never mind, he got what he asked for. Well done.

Kitos.

17

Kitos, I do confused about what Topaze said. If he does have some ideas about the essay, I wish he could states them all.
As you know, all I wanna is make sure that I am fix all comments from test of TEOFL, and have a good score next time for writing section.
I can’t spend too much time about this essay’s comments.

18
    • you repeat the word “government” and the phrase “take more care about” twice in one paragraph. You might simply say something like “I favor the second option”.
      ** - is the alliteration intended here? :slight_smile: This is not an error, of course.
      *** - why not just “CNN reports that”?
      **** - just sea. The word “level” is not necessary here.
      ***** - either from the earth or from the map.
      ****** - you used the word “another” twice in one sentence. You might want to avoid such repetitions.
      ******* - sorry, don’t follow. There are already places where one can find live animals, and they’re called zoological gardens. Even if some endangered species were to disappear in the wild, we would probably find them in zoos, not in museums.
      ******** - a hill is simply a natural elevation. It can be a part of a barren wilderness even without any environmental pollution.
      ********* - you wrote “as much as we think” here. What did you mean?
      ********** - there’s something dubious about this choice of words, although it’s just a subjective opinion.
      *********** going into the natural environment may be grammatically correct, but it still sounds odd to me. Why not “get out into”?
      ************ - what most beautiful things?

Thanks a lot. I am appreciate.
I will consider to take. So, do you think this essay can be better than a fiar score?
Last time, my independence writing just 2.5—3.5, do you think this essay better???

19

You are most welcome.

As for the other corrections, I simply put them in brackets to avoid excessive and unnecessary remarks. From what I understand, it’s a common practice on this forum. Anyway, you just have to compare your original text with the corrected one. For example:

Original: “This is all because the environment is best textbook for us to learn…”
Proofread: “This is all because the environment is (the) best textbook for us to learn…”
This means that I suggest using the definite article here.

Or, for instance:
Original: The worse part is this rising is still moving on.
Proofread: The worse part is (that it continues to rise).
This means that I suggest rephrasing your sentence.

If you see (), this means that I’ve deleted a phrase, a word or a punctuation sign here.

As for your score, this essay of yours is certainly better. The only problem is that it has been rewritten at least two times. Like I said, the structure seems OK. If you pay a little more attention to the clarity of your ideas, you score should increase somewhat (by 0.5 or so, I think). If you can manage to improve your grammar and spelling, it should increase drastically. This is, of course, just my opinion, since I cannot speak for ETS.

20

Thanks!
You still think that my ideas are not that clear to be followed? Why? I think my ideas are really obviouse. What’s the problem? Why people always thinks that my ideas are not that evident???
Besides, I know I have to improve my grammar and spelling, I am not good at typing, so sometimes I made some mistakes that I don’t realize myslef. But, do you really think grammar and spelling are still exist after correction?

I really don’t know if I can do better???