It is written for the IELTS writing task 2. Could you please review it?
The entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, and sports stars are considered as the icon of a country and idol to many followers. Those iconic entertainers are paid a high salary while other non-popular entertainers are paid a very low salary. On the other hand, the people who are working for a better society for example teachers, doctors, and social activists are paid a very small salary compare to those highly paid entertainers. In the following paragraphs, I will explain about this salary difference and the impact in my point of view.
To achieve the stage of an icon of a country, the entertainers have passed a very difficult and long path which is not achievable for many entertainers. Only few can get that stage and they have high demand to his followers. To keep this stage, they have to maintain their quality of work and at the same time social status. For this reason, they need a high salary. For example, some days ago a concert was been organized in a stadium and all tickets were been sold out. That is mean there were more than ten thousand peoples in that concert, so the entertainer of that concert could claim a high salary.
However, we need to understand that does this payment for the entertainment help us to make our society better. The answer in most of the case is no. So we should not invest money for their high salary, rather we can share the money from the concert for other non-popular or new entertainer to support their works. At the same time, the effective characters for improving our society such as teachers, doctors, and social activists should be paid a sound salary so that they can lead a good life and give his best service to the society.
Hi Ielts, parts of this essay were a little confusing to me. I think overall you may have the wrong format. You gave the reasons why entertainers should make a lot of money and the reasons why they shouldn’t. But this isn’t an “advantages/disadvantages” or “discuss both sides” type prompt. So your first body paragraph should discuss why you agree or disagree (which one you picked should have been stated in your thesis), and the second body paragraph discuss what jobs should be highly paid. You sort of got this second paragraph right, but you started off still talking about entertainers, so it wasn’t as effective as it could have been. If your thesis is not quite right, like in this essay, it gets your whole essay started off on the wrong foot and makes it harder for the reader to follow your argument. Here are some specific suggestions: