<Should exercise be a mandatory part of the school day?> Please review my e

It all starts with the proverb “A sound mind in a healthy body” which shows that people since ancient times put exercise on it’s right place. Although some peoples will advocate substituting exercise classes for something more “productive” such as math, I am a strong believer in sports. Exercise should be a mandatory part of a school day to build a strong and healthy body, increase energy and not at the least gets you in your dream college.
Today’s world is confronted with more obesity problems than ever. Ever countries like China or India started to have this problem due to lack of exercise and consumption of highly processed food. America and Europe have long had this problem. With so much time spend in from of the TV this problem will only gets worse. Young people should exercise at least one hour per day to maintain a healthy body. By introducing a mandatory class of gym, students will be guaranteed at least that hour. This will help pupils maintain a good weight.
Although sports will drain your energy sometimes, exercising regularly will increase your energy levels and keeps you healthy. The more you exercise the more energy will you build. Also, it is scientifically proven that a healthy body will lead to a better school performance. Moreover, children in the growing phases need to spend their energy in an organized fashion that will help develop their bodies.
Any finally, if not of this is still convincing, being good in sports will get you in your dream college faster. Top schools will look at the person as a whole: mind, body and spirit. Being a rowing expert or the captain of the football team will attract school since you will be a good candidate for their teams.
An exercise class daily will help students to be healthy, build more energy and not in the last get into good schools that will be attracted by the sport performance.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an employee in the student services center

Hi, I think this essay is very good. The first phrase was a bit unclear to me, but the rest of your intro was very good. You had a good structure overall and fairly convincing reasons. Your vocabulary is pretty good, although I think a few word choices could be improved. You have a few grammatical errors here and there, but noting that really interferes with my comprehension. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Thanks a lot for the reply.It is very helpful and I really appreciate it.