School should reward students who show the best academic results

[Th_Bui]

Please give me comments and mark for my writing exercise. Thanks a lot

Topic: Some people believe that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

It is true that the question of whether to praise students with excellent performance or those making progress in studying, remains a source of controversy . While some people believe that a great prize should be only given to the highest achievers, I side with the view that individuals with considerable progress also deserve equivalent recognition

On the one hand, there a variety reasons why awards should be distributed to students with excellent academic performances as compared to others. Firstly, it is common knowledge that top students should be much more rewarded for their prodigious achievements than other their fellows, which creates a highly competitive studying environment at school. As a result, students have tendency to put their efforts into studying as much as possible to make the best grades , therefore push out a horizon of their knowledge and ability. Secondly, given award in recognition of the best performance, the likelihood of students earning highly- esteem, is positively high. This fact can be exemplified by my fellows in secondary school . If students get the highest position in a competition, it will be a great honor for them to be rewarded with the best-performance certificates by the principal and become shining examples for their peers.

At the same time, toppers are not the only students who need to be appreciated. Students who make great progress should also be recognized for their perseverance and diligence in studying. Firstly, the option gives equal chances for students who fall behind with study to receive awards, rather than focus on the highest achievers. Consequently, only when their students’ efforts are highly appreciated, can they feel motivated and then get a higher result in the next competition. Moreover, a considerable decline in the incredible pressure of studying is another benefit of paying compliments as well as monetary rewards to students in spite of their junior achievements. For example, the highest rate of suicide of Japanese students during a thirty- year period is due to be on the forecast in 2018, which can be traced to an incredible amount of pressure from examinations as well as their obsession with high scores.

In conclusion, instead of rewarding only students having the best academic results, the consideration of student’s improvement to grant a reward is the more favorable way to enhance student’s motivation.

[Luschen]

Hi Th_Bul, your writing is this one is very good. You have a wide range of vocabulary and most of your sentences were clear. I think your paraphrase of the prompt was pretty weak though and did not really reflect the core of the controversy. Your first body paragraph was not that convincing to me, though I admit that does seem the harder viewpoint to support. Your second body paragraph was better, but I don’t think you devoted enough space talking about your opinion. This is one third of what the prompt is asking and deserves more emphasis. I don’t think this one is quite at the 7 level, I would probably give it a band 6. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Th_Bui

It is true that the question of whether to praise students with excellent performance or those making progress in studying, {no comma here} remains a source of controversy . {this paraphrase does not really make the controversy clear. Excellent performance and progress in studying sound very similar. You need to make more clear the difference between getting good grades and showing an improvement from the beginning of the school year to the end} While some people believe that a great prize {“a great prize” sounds odd here} should be only given to the highest achievers, I side with the view that individuals with considerable progress also deserve equivalent recognition

On the one hand, there [are] a variety reasons why awards should be distributed to students with excellent academic [performance] as compared to others. Firstly, it is common knowledge that top students should be much more rewarded [much more] for their prodigious achievements [as compared to] their fellows, which creates a highly competitive studying environment at school. {this sentence started out sounding like you were begging the question - it is true because everyone knows it is true. You redeemed yourself somewhat by then giving a specific reason - to foster competition - but I would rewrite the sentence to lead with this argument} As a result, [when such a reward system is implemented,] students have [a] tendency to put their efforts into studying as much as possible to make the best grades , therefore push out a [expanding the] horizon of their knowledge and ability. Secondly, [by giving awards] in recognition of the best performance, the likelihood of students earning [high ]esteem, is positively high. {this sounds odd and unclear} This fact can be exemplified by my fellows in secondary school . If students get the highest position in a competition, it will be a great honor for them to be rewarded with the best-performance certificates by the principal and become shining examples for their peers. {this argument is not convincing to me - you say the likelihood of earning high esteem is high, but if there are say 100 people in the competition and one winner, the likelihood is 1%, with the other 99% potentially seeing a reduction in their self-esteem, though hopefully they can learn that their worth is not dependent on their success! }

At the same time, toppers {“toppers” is a slang term and not really used here in the West I think - I would avoid it} are not the only students who need to be appreciated. Students who make great progress should also be recognized for their perseverance and diligence in studying. Firstly, the option gives equal chances for students who fall behind {“fall behind” is not really correct here. We are really talking about those who start off with a disadvantage - the prompt is not talking about rewarding those who fall behind, but rather rewarding those who catch up} with study to receive awards, rather than focus on the highest achievers. Consequently, only when their students’ efforts are highly appreciated, can they {you say “their students’” and then “they” - what is “they” referring to here? I thought they referred to the students themselves? A little confusing} feel motivated and then get a higher result in the next competition. Moreover, a considerable decline in the incredible pressure of studying is another benefit of paying compliments as well as [granting] monetary rewards to students in spite of their junior {“junior” does not really work here - maybe “less stellar” }achievements. For example, the highest rate of suicide of Japanese students during a thirty- year period is due to be on the forecast in 2018, {this sounds a bit odd and unconvincing - it would be better to use actual data than a forecast, which could be wrong - maybe say the rate has been rising and last year was the highest of the past three decades} which can be traced to an incredible amount of pressure from examinations as well as [these students’] obsession with high scores.

In conclusion, instead of rewarding only students having the best academic results, the consideration of student’s improvement to grant a reward is the more favorable way to enhance student’s motivation. {This conclusion is too short. You have not devoted enough space to giving your personal opinion. You should state your opinion and then restate the specific reasons why you feel that way and then perhaps end with a call to action}

[Th_Bui]

I highly appreciated your help. I try my best to correct my errors . Please check my second writing exercise if you have free time.
It is true that the question of whether to praise students with excellent academic results or those making progress in studying remains a source of controversy. While some people believe that awards should be only given to the highest achievers, I side with the view that individuals with considerable progress also deserve equivalent recognition

On the one hand, there is a variety reasons why awards should be distributed to students with the highest results as compared to others. Firstly, this could create a highly competitive studying environment at school, seeing that students often desire to win prizes. As a result, when such a reward system is implemented, students have a tendency to put their efforts into studying as much as possible to make the best grades , therefore expanding the horizon of their knowledge and ability. Secondly, by adopting this approach, gifted students who are outstanding could be given countless opportunities to nurture their abilities. My secondary school, for instance, selects students with the best results for extra-class to develop their capabilities in order take them to national competitions.

At the same time, highest achievers are not the only students who need to be appreciated. Students who make great progress should also be recognized for their perseverance and diligence in studying. Firstly, the option gives equal chances for every student to receive awards rather than focus on the highest achievers. Consequently, only when their efforts are highly appreciated, can students feel motivated and then get a higher result in the next competition. Moreover, a considerable decline in the incredible pressure of studying is another benefit of paying compliments as well as granting monetary rewards to students in spite of their less stellar achievements. For example, a number of students suiciding had increased considerably during a thirty-year period and reached the highest point of 30000 students in 2018.

In conclusion, albeit rewarding students for the highest scores is advantageous to some extents. Personally, I am adamant that lower achievers, having improved their level of academic performance, well-deserve to be given an award.