School is still necessary?

[Lemin1991]

Hi you guys, this is my next essay^^, thank you guys for correcting.

Topic: In the modern world, schools are becoming unnecessary for children, as they can study at home with the help of computer. Do you agree or disagree?

Critical and fundamental to the development of any country around the world is their education system. That is the reason why today numerous researches are conducted in educational facilities to substantiate whether or not schools are still essential for student as a result of a sudden rise of computer and the Internet. A statement is made that schools always have the positive impact on students’ studying style.

The first reason why schools remain necessary in the modern world is that it enables student to achieve a better academic performance. Studying at school bring students many opportunities to access such useful materials prepared carefully by teachers’ experiences and intellect as their slideshows, videos, and images. It is supposed to guide student on the proper road to success by dint of its concise and clear content. More remarkably, feeling peer pressure from their classmates motivates students to try their best to participate in a class discussion, to make further understanding, and to get higher grades. Therefore, it is easier for students to attend college than to study on their own.

The second reason for my disapproval of the statement is that an educational institution can be seen as a minimized society. It holds numerous similar characteristics to a small society, namely rules and hierarchy. Owing to the fact that little do student know about the real life experiences, schools are beyond a good environment for them to learn basic and precious lessons as to how much cruel the real world is. For instance, students not only have a good a expertise when doing a project with a team, but also they have to identify how to get along with other aggressive members in such an appropriate way. Thus, schools help student build their own social skills.

In conclusion, in spite of the predominant use of computer in studying, it has shown no sign of pushing schools out of its established status because it gives students good career preparation in term of knowledge and soft skills.
Words: 332

TOEFL listening discussions: How many chemicals are required for the girl’s experiment?

[Luschen]

Hi Lemin, I enjoyed your essay. Your structure is good except for your thesis statement. Your vocabulary is very good for the most part, although you have used a few words incorrectly and you have several phrases which sound quite awkward. Your grammar is fine except for a few minor errors. I would rate this essay a 3.5 out of 5.

@Lemin1991

Hi you guys, this is my next essay^^, thank you guys for correcting.

Topic: In the modern world, schools are becoming unnecessary for children, as they can study at home with the help of computer. Do you agree or disagree?

Critical and fundamental to the development of any country around the world is their{“its” is better} education system. That is the reason why today numerous research [studies] are conducted in educational facilities to substantiate whether or not schools are still essential for student[s ] as a result[“in the face of” sounds better] of a sudden rise of computer [use] and the Internet. A statement is made {this phrase is very awkward} that schools always have the positive impact on students’ studying style. {great introduction up until the thesis - your thesis should clearly state what your view is and hopefully give a very brief summary of your reasons}

The first reason why schools remain necessary in the modern world is that it[they] enables student[s ] to achieve a better academic performance. Studying at school bring[s ] students many opportunities to access such useful materials prepared carefully by teachers’ experiences and intellect as their slideshows, videos, and images. It is[These are] supposed to guide student[s ] on the proper road to success by dint of its[their] concise and clear content. More remarkably{more remarkably sounds odd here}, feeling peer pressure from their classmates motivates students to try their best to participate in a class discussion, to make further understanding{make further understanding sounds awkward}, and to get higher grades. Therefore, it is easier for students to attend college{“college” isn’t really a synonym for school here} than to study on their own.

The second reason for my disapproval of the statement{don’t refer to “the statement” - your essay should stand on its own} is that an educational institution can be seen as a minimized[miniature] society. It holds numerous similar characteristics to a small society, namely rules and hierarchy. Owing to the fact that little do student know{“that students know little about …” sounds better} about the real life experiences, schools are beyond{what does beyond mean here?} a good environment for them to learn basic and precious lessons as to how much cruel the real world is. For instance, students not only have a good a expertise {“a good a expertise” is very unclear} when doing a project with a team, but also they have to identify how to get along with other aggressive members in such an appropriate way. Thus, schools help student[s ] build their own social skills.

In conclusion, in spite of the predominant use of [the] computer in studying, it has shown no sign of pushing schools out of its[their] established status because it gives[they give] students good career preparation in term of knowledge and soft skills{“soft skills” isn’t a term I am familiar with}.
Words: 332

TOEFL listening discussions: How many chemicals are required for the girl’s experiment?