Request for information letter(IELTS)

Hi Lucean,
Please rate my letter(band 0-9)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to ask for complete itinerary trip that I booked with your company.
The trip refer to start from Aug 12,2015 and I supposed to leave with the group of 16 people.
The information I would like to obtain should contain the following.
1.names phone number of other people in my group.
2.Airline names, departure time, flight number and arrival times.
3.A list of optional day trip and their prices.
4 a list of local doctors I can contact in case of emergency.
5A contact number for your company representative in south Africa.
6.The receipt for payment that I have made.
7.Names and locations for hotels that you boked for me.

You could send me above mentioned information to my email or a fax.
I want to receive above mentioned information as early possible but not later then a week before my flight.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,
Deepak Tibhe

TOEFL listening discussions: Why did the young woman sit in the rear seat of the car?

Hi Jt6112, if you could include the prompt next time it would be helpful, as I’m not sure what information the question wanted you to include in your letter. In any case, I would avoid writing a list like this or using bullet points. I suppose in real life it woudl get the job done, but the graders want to see how you can develop a letter and use transitions to provide a smooth flow throughout it. You are not going to be able to accomplish this if you revert to a list. The list format also contributed to your whole letter sounding a bit abrupt and rude. Even though you are paying these people, it is still better to say “could you please do this” and maybe give a reason, instead of just “do this”.

Thanks Luschen for the detailed feedback. Actually this letter has been posted on behalf of my younger brother who is in the learning phase. We will definitely work on the precious comments that you have provided.

Thanks again for your valuable time.