Rate my essay please! Thanks

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
1

Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.

Nowadays, more and more students decide to attend universities for many different reasons such as career preparation, expansion of knowledge horizons, improvement of social life etc. However, not all students can afford the high tuition fees especially when they have to live in a different city or country. In my view, if a student has been admitted to a university it means that he/she possesses all the required qualifications such high grades in high-school or during their undergraduate studies. In this situation this kind of students should definitely be supported financially by the government.

To begin with, the already admitted students are likely to succeed in their lives because they would have many job opportunities. As high as their education level as many job opportunities they will have in the future. In fact, this means that due to their sufficient job salaries, they will have to pay high taxes to the government. Literally, the government by supporting these students financially invests this amount of money because it will receive it back in the long run.

Another reason why governments should support students who are unable to pay their tuition fees is that the living standard of the whole country will surely improve over time. The number of poor people will decrease significantly since most of the young people will hold at least a Bachelor’s degree in their hands. This is important in order to get a good job which leads to a better live. Thus, people can buy their own houses, get married and have children.

However, governments should give to students a significant part of their tuition fees. The rest amount of money, students should earn it by working on campus. This experience will help them to understand deeply the value of money and consequently to appreciate the help that the government offers to them. Moreover, by working students are likely to study more in order to achieve their goals. Otherwise, they would rely upon the government’s money and they would not try to make any special effort to graduate successfully.

In final consideration, governments should offer a significant amount of money to the students whose families cannot afford their tuition fees. The improved standards of living and the higher taxes will balance the amount of money that government offers to support these students. Finally, it would be a nice idea a small part of the tuition fees to be earned by the students themselves in order to understand the true value of money.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an employee in the university registrar’s office

2

Fırst of all , you have to know that I am not a teacher or natıve speaker. I am a students , I mıght have mıstakes . If I have forgive me.

Nowadays, more and more students decide to attend universities for many different reasons , such as career preparation, expansion of knowledge horizons, improvement of social life etc(If you are wrıtıng academıc essay , do not use “etc.”). However( “However” ıs nonsense ın here you could say “ In my opınıon”.), not all students can afford the high tuition fees ,especially when they have to live in a different city or country. In my view, if(“If”) a student has been admitted to a(the) university it means that he/she possesses all the required qualifications ,such high grades in high-school or during their undergraduate studies. In this situation, this kind of students should definitely (You said should and defınıtely ) be supported financially by the government.

To begin with, the already admitted students are likely to succeed in their lives because they would have many job opportunities. As high as their education level as many job opportunities they will have in the future ( You saıd will and future ). In fact, this ( What were you referıng ?) means that due to their sufficient job salaries, they will have to pay high taxes to the government. Literally, the government by supporting these students financially invests this amount of money, because it will receive it (refer problem , I dıd not understand the means of thıs “it” ) back in the long run.

Another reason why governments should support students who are unable to pay their tuition fees is that the living standard of the whole country ( whıch country dıd you mean) will surely improve over time. The number of poor people will decrease significantly ,since most of the young people will hold at least a Bachelor’s degree in their hands. This is important ,in order to get a good job which leads to a better live. Thus,(erase ıt) people can buy their own houses,(erase and wrıte “and”) get married and have children.

However, the governments should give to students a significant part of their tuition fees { In my opınıon ıt should be that “ the government should pay a sıgnıfıcant part of the students’ tutıon}. The rest amount of money( tution , fee) , students should earn it by working on campus{ In my opınıon ıt should be that “ And also students should pay the rest amount of tution by workıng at campus}. This experience will help them to understand deeply the value of money .(thıs sentences should be fınısh) and consequently to appreciate the help that the government offers to them. Moreover, by working students are likely to study more in order to achieve their goals. Otherwise, they would rely upon the government’s money and they would not try to make any special effort to graduate successfully.

In final consideration, governments should offer a significant amount of money to the students whose families cannot afford their tuition fees. The improved standards of living and the higher taxes will balance the amount of money that government offers to support these students. Finally, it would be a nice idea a small part of the tuition fees to be earned by the students themselves in order to understand {how the money ıs ımportant }the true value of money.

3

I had a wonderful time reading your passage, and I admit that I am not better than you :slight_smile: I am not a teacher and my comments are negotiable… please accept my opinions and don’t be astonished by the amount of correction, in the end, I tried to be honest as far as possible!!

Nowadays, more and more students decide [are willing] to attend universities for many different reasons such as career preparation, expansion of knowledge horizons, improvement of social life etc. However, not all students can afford the high tuition fees [Try to stress the problem, for that you may say: However, their ambitions are hindered by a high tuition fees that they cannot afford] especially when they have to live in a different city or country[I think this is a detail, avoid using details in the introduction]. In my view, if a student has been admitted to a university it means that he/she possesses all the required qualifications such high grades in high-school or during their undergraduate studies. In this situation this kind of students should definitely be supported financially by the government. [It would be better to combine both sentences and state the thesis, you may say: In my opinion, qualified students should be supported financially by the government to pursue their college degree because {It is important to introduce what are you going to talk about in the body of the passage so the reader wont be confused} such decision ensue tremendous positive outcomes on the nation as a whole {I said so because I notice that you are stressing that all over the body}].

To begin with, the already admitted students are likely to succeed in their lives because they would have many job opportunities. As high as their education level as many job opportunities they will have in the future [you could say: A higher educational level implies a better job with a higher salary]. In fact, this means that due to their sufficient job salaries, [Consequently] they will have to pay high additional taxes to the government. Literally, the government by supporting these students financially invests this amount of money because it will receive it back in the long run. [an alternative way: Literally, the government will be doing nothing more than investing in this diligent student for a short period of time -four years in average- and then retrieving the money back in the form of taxes. And what a profitable investment?

Another reason why governments should support students who are unable to pay their tuition fees is that the living standard of the whole country will surely improve over time. The number of poor people will decrease significantly since most of the young people will hold at least a Bachelor’s degree in their hands [How?]. This is important in order to get a good job which leads to a better live [How?]. Thus, people can buy their own houses, get married and have children [nice idea, but elaborate more to get higher grade].

[you should be supporting the topic, which is why should the government pay for these students and not how or in what form? I guess :stuck_out_tongue:]However, governments should give to students a significant part of their tuition fees. The rest amount of money, students should earn it by working on campus. This experience will help them to understand deeply the value of money and consequently to appreciate the help that the government offers to them. Moreover, by working students are likely to study more in order to achieve their goals. Otherwise, they would rely upon the government’s money and they would not try to make any special effort to graduate successfully.

In final consideration, governments should offer a significant amount of money to the students whose families cannot afford their tuition fees. The improved standards of living and the higher taxes will balance the amount of money that government offers to support these students. Finally, it would be a nice idea a small part of the tuition fees to be earned by the students themselves in order to understand the true value of money.[Despite the lapses in the idea, it is a good conclusion :smiley:]

4

Thank you Mbsezer and Mochad!!! I really appreciate your help!!!
Your comments are very useful to me.
Thanks again!