Pls check my essay and give some suggestions, thank you.

[Littlemushroomgirl]

Do you agree or disagree: Choosing friends that have fun with is more important than choosing friends will help you when you need help.

As is known to all, friends have become one of the essential parts of our life. Having fun with our friends always comes to my mind in the Friday night. It seems that choosing friends that to fulfill your entertainment life overweight choosing friends that are helpful. However, I hardly agree with this viewpoint because only the friends in need are the friends indeed as the old saying goes.
A helpful friend is the one who always appears to be a supportive power, not rarely please you. They may not contact with you everyday, and even live in hundreds of thousands of miles away from you. But, when you are in adversity, they will show their hands to you as soon as possible and as long as they can without you even asking. I clearly remember in 2009, the worldwide financial crisis has great impacts on our company. As a result, I was let go by my work and suffered from a three-month unemployed period. Due to no money to pay the rent, I made a shameful decision to move back to live with my parents in the third month. When my college roomy Elsa heard of my terrible situation, she called me in a worried voice and strongly invited me to move to her home. And she even blamed on me not turning to her for help. The heavy irony is that those “closely friends” who have fun with me in leisure time all disappeared when I was in trouble. That experience kindles my heart to realize what a true friend is.

That leads to my second argument that only friendship from true friends can last long and is deserving to be cherished. Specifically, When you acquire success, or when you want to share some enjoyable moment with some guys, majority of your friends are willing to be with you. But when things go wrong, the friends only could laugh with you would consider you are no more than a trouble. The day you step in trouble, the day some of your friends go away. Thus, it’s ridiculous to pursue this kind of friendship as a rational person.

What’s worse, some friends can be incentives to harmful behaviors while chasing a wonderful experience. For example, thousands of teenagers are addicted into drugs in pubs with their friends just for fun. 85 percent of girls said they attempted to drugs just for curiosity because some of their friends taking drugs. Therefore, staying far away from the friends with improper behaviors and sheer for recreation is a valid protection for vulnerable young adults.

All in all, friends have fun are by no means more important than those who once helped you to get through the dark days. Please treasure your friends in need if you already have, and pursue the true friendship not just fun.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the student talking to the advisor?

[Luschen]

Hi, your essay was not too bad, but I have a feeling your command of English is good enough that you could write a much better essay than this. Your introduction was pretty weak with a lot of confusing parts and your thesis did not seem very strong. Your body paragraphs were a bit better; you had the correct structure, although one of your topic sentences was confusing. Your thesis and topic sentences are the most important, so they have to be correct. You have a pretty good vocabulary, but you have made a few poor word choices. Your grammar seems pretty good, your main problem is your many awkward and confusing phrases. Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 5.

@Littlemushroomgirl

Do you agree or disagree: Choosing friends that [you] have fun with is more important than choosing friends [who] will help you when you need help.

As is known to all, friends have become{“have become” sounds odd here - why is this a new development?} one of the essential parts of our life. Having fun with our friends always comes to my mind in the Friday night.{this sounds ambiguous - are you remembering fun Friday nights, or is this the idea that comes to you on many Friday nights when coming up with plans?} It seems that choosing friends that to[who] fulfill{“enrich” seems better} your entertainment life overweight[outweighs] choosing friends that are helpful. However, I hardly agree {it sounded like you did agree with it - perhaps you should have said, “the common perception of choosing friends …”} with this viewpoint because only the friends in need are the friends indeed as the old saying goes. {This thesis seemed weak and awkward}
A helpful friend is the one who always appears to be a supportive power, not rarely please you. {this is confusing, what do you mean by “not rarely please you”?} They may not [have] contact with you everyday, and [may] even live in hundreds of thousands {“hundreds of thousands” would put them on the moon} of miles away from you. But, when you are in[experiencing] adversity, they will show their hands to you{“show their hands to you” is not really an English idiom} as soon as possible and as long as they can without you even asking. I clearly remember in 2009, the worldwide financial crisis ha[d ] great impacts on our company. As a result, I was let go by my work and suffered from a three-month unemployed period.{“three month period of unemployment” is better} Due to no money to pay the rent, I made a shameful decision to move back to live with my parents in the third month. When my college roomy{“roomy” is too informal to use here} Elsa heard of my terrible situation, she called me in a worried voice and strongly invited me to move to her home. And she even blamed on me not turning to her for help [earlier]. The heavy irony is that those “closely[close] friends” who [would] have fun with me in [their] leisure time all disappeared when I was in trouble. That experience kindles my heart to realize what a true friend is.

That leads to my second argument that only friendship from true friends can last long and is deserving to be cherished. Specifically, When you acquire success, or when you want to share some enjoyable moment with some guys, {“guys” here seems too informal} [a] majority of your friends are willing to be with you. But {avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} when things go wrong, th[ose] friends [who can] only could laugh with you would [just] consider you are no more than a trouble. The day you step in trouble{“encounter trouble” is better} [is] the day some of your friends go away. Thus, [as a rational person,] it’s{avoid contractions} ridiculous to pursue this kind of friendship as a rational person.

What’s[What is] worse, some friends can be incentives to harmful behaviors while chasing a wonderful experience.{this sentence sounds pretty unnatural} For example, thousands of teenagers are[become] addicted into [to] drugs in pubs with their friends just for fun. 85 percent of girls said they attempted to [do] drugs {maybe say “… they first tried drugs just …”} just for curiosity because some of their friends [were] taking drugs. Therefore, staying far away from the friends with improper behaviors and sheer for recreation{“sheer for recreation” is unclear} is a valid protection for vulnerable young adults.

All in all, friends [who] have fun are by no means more important than those who once helped you to get through the dark days. Please treasure your friends in need if you already have,{shouldn’t it be “if you have not already done so”?} and pursue the true friendship not just fun.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the student talking to the advisor?

[Littlemushroomgirl]

Thanks for your suggestion, Luschen. I’m so excited that there is someone who is willing to check my essay. It’s about ten days left to my next Toefl, I wish I could find here earlier. I changed some expression as the way you suggest, how about this one ?

No man is an island. We all need friends to have fun with, and more importantly, we all need help from our friends when we are facing trouble. Although I spend plenty of time on making jokes, dancing, and traveling with people I enjoy hanging out with and it seems that choosing friends who enrich my entertainment life outweighs choosing friends that are helpful. However, in the bottom of my heart, I treasure those friends who help me out more deeply.
A helpful friend is the one who always appears to be a supportive power, not merely please you. They may not have contact with you everyday, and may even live thousands of miles away from you. But, when you are experiencing adversity, they will lend a hand to you as soon as possible and as long as they can without you even asking. I clearly remember in 2009, I was let go by my work and suffered from a three month period of unemployment under the worldwide financial crisis . Due to no money to pay the rent, I made a shameful decision to move back to live with my parents in the third month. When my college roommate Elsa heard of my terrible situation, she called me in a worried voice and strongly invited me to move to her home. And she even blamed me not turning to her for help earlier. The heavy irony is that those “close friends” who would have fun with me in their leisure time all disappeared when I was in trouble. That experience kindles my heart to realize what a true friend is.

That leads to my second argument that only friendship from true friends can last long and is deserving to be cherished. Specifically, When you acquire success, or when you want to share some enjoyable moment with others, a majority of your friends are willing to be with you. However when things go wrong, those friends who can only laugh with you would just consider you a trouble. The day you encounter trouble is the day those of your friends go away. Therefore, as a rational person ,it is ridiculous to pursue this kind of friendship.

What is worse, some funny friends lead you to dangerous cliff while chasing excited experience. For example, countless teenagers become addicted to drugs in pubs with their friends just for fun. 85 percent of girls said they first tried drugs just for curiosity because some of their friends were taking drugs. As a result, those perceived interesting friends turn out to be devils who bring you out of boring life but to death. Thus, I suggest vulnerable young adults stay far away from those friends with improper behaviors.

All in all, friends who have fun with are by no means more important than those who once helped you to get through the dark days. Please treasure your friends in need if you have not already done so and pursue the true friendship not just fun.

[Luschen]

Hi, I think this is significantly better. I knew that you would be able to write much better than your previous essay would suggest. I would rate this one a 4.5 out of 5. Just a few minor errors and some word choices that could be improved.

@Littlemushroomgirl

Thanks for your suggestion, Luschen. I’m so excited that there is someone who is willing to check my essay. It’s about ten days left to my next Toefl, I wish I could find here earlier. I changed some expression as the way you suggest, how about this one ?

No man is an island. We all need friends to have fun with, and more importantly, we all need help from our friends when we are facing trouble. Although I spend plenty of time on{ok, but sounds more natural without “on” here} making jokes, dancing, and traveling with people I enjoy hanging out with and it seems that choosing friends who enrich my entertainment life outweighs choosing friends that are helpful. However, in the bottom of my heart, I treasure those friends who help me out more deeply.{this is a lot better, I like how you led off with the quote and ended with a more clear thesis statement}
A helpful friend is the one who always appears to be a supportive power, not merely [there to] please you. They may not have contact with you everyday,{two words here, “everyday” is the adjective} and may even live thousands of miles away from you. But, when you are experiencing adversity, they will lend a hand to you as soon as possible and as long as they can without you even asking.{avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} I clearly remember in 2009, I was let go by my work and suffered from a three month period of unemployment under the worldwide financial crisis . Due to no {ok, but “due to a lack of money” sounds better} money to pay the rent, I made a shameful decision to move back to live with my parents in the third month. When my college roommate Elsa heard of my terrible situation, she called me in a worried voice and strongly invited me to move to her home. {now period} And she even blamed me [for] not turning to her for help earlier. The heavy irony is that those “close friends” who would have fun with me in their leisure time all disappeared when I was in trouble. That experience kindles my heart to realize what a true friend is.

That leads to my second argument that only friendship from true friends can last long and is deserving to be cherished. Specifically, When you acquire success, or when you want to share some enjoyable moment with others, a majority of your friends are willing to be with you. However when things go wrong, those friends who can only laugh with you would just consider you a trouble.{“a bother” is better here} The day you encounter trouble is the day those of your friends go away. Therefore, as a rational person ,it is ridiculous to pursue this kind of friendship.

What is worse, some funny{“fun-loving” is better} friends lead you to dangerous cliff[s ] while chasing excit[ing] experience[s ]. For example, countless teenagers become addicted to drugs in pubs with their friends just for fun. 85 percent of girls said they first tried drugs just for curiosity because some of their friends were taking drugs. As a result, those perceived interesting friends turn out to be devils who bring you out of boring life but to death. Thus, I suggest vulnerable young adults stay far away from those friends with improper behaviors.

All in all, friends who [you] have fun with are by no means more important than those who once helped you to get through the dark days. Please treasure your friends in need if you have not already done so and pursue the true friendship not just fun.

[Littlemushroomgirl]

Another essay for today. This topic seems to be very hard to me. Thanks, Luschen.
Do you agree or disagree: colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

In China,only the most assiduous students can ace the Chinese national college entrance exam to get admitted by the top universities. Certainly, Chinese universities should take more responsibilities rather than simply provide various subjects for students to learn. Job preparation is one of the essential parts that should be strengthened in order to benefit students, universities themselves and the society.

For the students, a better job preparation can be a feasible promotion for them to face intensive competition in the job marketings. Under the darkness of the worldwide financial crisis, there are countless graduates who can’t find jobs every year. For example, in the civil-service exams of this year, even a position of a government clerk in rural areas has received ten thousands of applications. However, lacking in professional training, many fresh graduates appear to be awkward or nervous in interviews. So they desire to get help. Having access to abundant of educational resources, the career centers in universities could definitely lend them a hand by giving their students general introduction of the target companies, guiding them to write impressive resumes and perform professional and naturally in interviews. I am sure after these trainings, students could get a substantial improvement and become more marketable.

As for the university, the rate of employment plays an important role in attracting excellent students. The majority of students adopt a pragmatic view when they choose colleges. Thus, the school with a good job preparation is more likely to win their hearts. Afterwards, more companies would like to cooperate with these universities and give them more support. In this way, a virtuous circle is established.

Actually, offering a better job preparation for students is a valid approach to relieve the burden of society. Fewer employed students there are, the more stable the society is. On the other hand, companies would also embrace this proposal because they could save a lot of money from training new employees. In fact, not one company claimed that they prefer to hire experienced employees even with twice paycheck rather than fresh graduates because their immature may bring serious economic loss. If these students could learn how to handle common problems in workplaces from school, how come those companies would not like to hire these vigorous youths?
All in all, I strongly advocate all the universities strengthen their job preparation, and take the need of every student into consideration. Thus, with a concerted endeavor among students, universities and society, our world would become a better place.

[Luschen]

Hi, if you don’t mind, could you post each essay in its own thread. That way more people will get a chance to read them. I thought your essay was very good. You have a clear structure with good topic sentences and pretty good transitions. Your vocabulary is ambitious, but you have not used all of your words correctly. You also have a few odd sounding sentence structures and some minor grammatical errors. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Littlemushroomgirl

Another essay for today. This topic seems to be very hard to me. Thanks, Luschen.
Do you agree or disagree: colleges or universities should offer students a better job preparation before they start working.

In China,only the most assiduous students can ace the Chinese national college entrance exam to get admitted by {“… exam to gain entrance to the top …” is a fancier way to say it} the top universities. Certainly, Chinese universities should take more responsibilities rather than simply provid[ing] various subjects for students to learn. Job preparation is one of the essential parts{“roles” is better} that should be strengthened in order to benefit students, [the] universities themselves and the society [as a whole].

For the students, a better job preparation can be a feasible promotion {“feasible promotion” is unclear to me here} for them to face intensive competition in the job marketings. Under the darkness of the worldwide financial crisis, [every year] there are countless graduates who can’t find jobs every year.{this sounded like they are looking for a new job every year} For example, in the civil-service exams of this year, even a position of[for] a government clerk in rural areas has received ten [of] thousands of applications. However, lacking in professional training, many fresh graduates appear to be awkward or nervous in interviews.{comma is better} So they desire to get help. Having access to [an] abundan[ce] of educational resources, the career centers in universities could definitely lend them a hand by giving their students [a] general introduction of the target companies, guiding them to write impressive resumes and perform professional[ly] and naturally in interviews. I am sure after these trainings[this training] {training is always singular}, students could get a substantial improvement and become more marketable.

As for the university, the rate of employment [of its graduates] plays an important role in attracting excellent students. The majority of students adopt a pragmatic view when they choose colleges. Thus, the school with a good job preparation [record] is more likely to win their hearts. Afterwards,{after what? this is a bit unclear to me} more companies would like to cooperate with these universities and give them more support. In this way, a virtuous circle is established.

Actually, {this is not the best transition here} offering a better job preparation for students is a valid approach to relieve the burden of[on] society. [The] Fewer employed students there are, the more stable the society is. On the other hand, companies would also embrace this proposal because they could save a lot of money from[on] training new employees. In fact, not one company claimed that they prefer to hire experienced employees even with twice paycheck rather than fresh graduates because their immature may bring serious economic loss. {this sentence is very confusing to me - wouldn’t the fresh graduates be more immature? Do you mean all of the companies would prefer to hire experienced workers at twice the cost? If so, don’t say “not one”.} If these students could learn how to handle common problems in workplaces [straight] from school, how come those companies would not [those companies] like to hire these vigorous youths?{“vigorous youths” makes it sound like they are trying out for a football team}
All in all, I strongly advocate [that] all the universities strengthen their job preparation, and take the need of every student into consideration. Thus, with a concerted endeavor{“effort” is better here} among students, universities and society, our world would become a better place.